Sunday, January 1, 2012

The New Year

All I can say, is that I'm so glad 2011 is over and hoping 2012 will be a much better year.

2011 brought us joy, pain, heartache, sadness, happiness. It has tought us more things than I can ever explain, things about love, life and everything in between. It was a long, hard, trying year. We said hello, and we said good-bye to a baby we never had the chance to really know. We gave him every chance, every hope, and every prayer we could but it wasn't enough.

This week was a tough week for me, Derrick went back to work which meant that its on me to keep busy, keep my mind preoccupied and keep myself entertained. Sure having Evelyn helps, sometimes, but it sometimes just reminds me that we'll never get to see Gabriel in this stage, learning to talk, walking around and learning learning learning. Stupid things remind me that he's not here, sometimes its on the TV, sometimes its something as simple as a song on the radio or a commercial. Its always hard not to think about Gabriel for everything I see and do.  I think about what life would be like if he was here, how would Evelyn be with him and what would we be doing...

But I figured out what was the most hard for me this week... I realized, that I don't have to be strong ALL the time, its ok to cry and be weak at times. Its ok to be sad, to be angry and to feel lost... I was trying so hard to be strong and I've come to realize that I don't always have to be. I think because I felt so strong through the pregnancy, I just thought people expected me to be strong through the rest of the journey.  Its not healthy and its halting the healing process by avoiding the pain I feel deep inside. It was a battle that I've lost against myself and I've come to accept that, to accept the fact that I can't be strong all the time and I have to take the weak moments one at a time, handling each one separately.

The days seem to be getting easier now instead of harder. I don't feel like I'm fighting myself anymore.

This week though, ended with a hard day. A friend of mine (who I met through this experience) gave birth to her daughter who had anencephaly. It brought me back to the day we met Gabriel making Friday a very tough emotional day. But as the evening approached I was just so happy for her that she got to spend some quality time with her daughter before she passed, and I also began to appreciate Gabriel's impact on my life and the memories we have with him. Once I began to cherish these things I began feeling better and stronger and I was feeling so blessed by the end of the night.

Still taking each day a moment at a time...

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