Wednesday, January 4, 2012

On Gabriel's due date....

Today marks the day I should have been 40 weeks pregnant... I've spent the day adding things to our blog and reading through other peoples blogs too. Somehow, adding things to our blog has made today easier, it seems to be helping me cope with my emotions.
It makes me sad to think that we would have been full term today, it also makes me think back to everything we've gone through, how this journey has changed us, and the last few weeks living without Gabriel here. 

I wonder, if we hadn't been forced to induce, when would he have arrived? What would he have chosen as his birthday?  Perhaps it would have been the day after Christmas which is the anniversary of the day my grandfather passed away... Maybe he would have been the last baby born in 2011, 12/31/11 at 11.59pm and lived into 2012 to passed away at 12:34am... Or, maybe he would have made the news "First baby born in 2012 dies of Potters Syndrome." That would possibly raise awareness to Bilateral Renal Agenesis... The crazy ideas that run through my head sometimes. The grieving process is a wierd thing.

I finally walked down and got the mail today... its been awhile  (Sorry mail guy!)  Still recieving cards from people who continue to send thoughts and prayers. Its amazing the support a person feels when they open the mail and see all the cards people send. However, amongst the many cards, bills, baby magazines and advertisements, I recieved an insurance card from MN Care for Gabriel. Is this some sort of cruel joke???  They should know what the situation is, they've been being billed for all our medical care from the beginning, they should have records of the diagnosis and they should have records of his passing? Right?

Guess thats just one more thing I'll put in his scrapbook - when I get myself up to finishing it... Derrick bought me a Cricut machine for Christmas. I was so excited to put it to use on Gabriel's scrapbook - but now I can't get myself to do it. Instead, I used it to cut out little cupcakes for each of our birthdays on our calender- I did get myself to put one for Gabriel's birthday too. I have used it on our book, and Evelyn's book, but can't get myself to do Gabriel's...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
All I know today is that somehow, I want to help raise pregnancy and infant loss awareness. How? I don't have a clue. I don't even know where to start, how to start. I know that I want to put together care packages for a local hospital in memory of Gabriel, packages that would be given to the next parents who come in to deliver a baby with a terminal diagnosis...  Perhaps building a local support group, a place where other parents can get together to talk, vent, cry, and celebrate their tiny angels. I want to get involved. Do a walk for charity. Do something!  I just don't know what, how, when or where. I feel like there isn't enough awareness to pregnancy and infant/child loss... at least not in our area...

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