Thursday, September 27, 2012

Baby Names

For the longest time Derrick and I were only able to agree we liked 1 name.  Seeing as how there are 2 we definitely needed more than that.  The hard part is that Derrick is very stubborn about naming boys (as my sister has learned).  My only criteria is that I won't use names of people I know in real life and I wanted them to flow well with Evelyn and Gabriel.

Finally last night I cornered him and told him we needed to add names to our potential name list.  And we did, now we have many many options for our little boys and I'm thrilled that we finally have a decent list.

My plan is to go to the hospital with a few name pairs and pick when we are there. We won't be coming out publicly with our choices till then though :) Gotta leave some sort of surprise!

So now we'll narrow down the options to just a few and ponder on those until the babies get here.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

That Mom.

I hate being that mom. The one who doesn't give the typical number answer when asked how many kids we have... Its hard sometimes to determine how in depth should I go when asked that question.

Do I just say I have one 2 year old and the twins and walk away? Do I say I have a 2 year old, a son who didn't make it and the twins? I hate to bring people down when they are so excited finding out I'm pregnant, it sends a negative spin on what should be a very positive experience. At the same time I feel so terrible if I don't acknowledge Gabriel's existence when I get asked.

Of course now the conversation goes something like this: 
"Are you pregnant?!?! - Congratulations!"
"Oh thank you, we're actually expecting two!"
"Oh how exciting! How many kids do you have then?"
*Insert ackward silence.*

Now, we've reached 19 weeks along.  This marks 1/2 way since we won't be going past 38 weeks.  It seems crazy to me that we are halfway through our twin pregnancy.  Its amazing the reactions we get when we tell people we are now expecting twins. Outside of our blog we haven't really spread the word around to much so people are sort of finding out one by one.

Looking forward to our appointment next Friday, then we have our anatomy scan on the 9th of October.  There shouldn't be any surprises at that ultrasound because we've already done a complete ultrasound and looked at everything.  I'm looking forward to just being able to enjoy an ultrasound for a change instead of feeling panicky about what they might find wrong this time.

However, having a fetal dopplar and measuring tape ease my fears a lot.  I measured today and I'm measuring 24 weeks and I'll only be 19 weeks tomorrow!  That means I've gained 4 weeks in only 2 weeks time! YIKES - no wonder I already feel so big!

Overall I feel really good though! Energy is ok, appetite is still in check, and everything seems to be going well!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Gender Reveal!

I hopped into bed last night and sobbed myself to sleep, but this wasn't the regular tears I was normal to, these were tears of pure joy, relief, happiness and love.  For 5 minutes I layed there and enjoyed a moment of no fear, no worry, no heartache.  I've never cried those type of tears before, not since Gabriel was born.

The reveal part of the ultrasound!
We told the tech our plan, we wanted to know if they are the same or not.  She immediately said "Yes, the are the same".  I looked over at Derrick who immediately started twitching, I started laughing "Figures."  I watched Derrick for a minute, this wasn't going to work - he is going to have to know.  So I gave in, I told the tech he was going to have a panic attack if we don't find out, let me take a look and see if I can figure it out first.

She put the wand on Baby A, I thought I could see, but I wasn't sold. After a couple minutes of looking I asked her to put it on the other baby - obvious, right away without a doubt I knew exactly what it was, I looked at Derrick:

"That's a boy! 100% A Boy!!! Hunny they're boys!!!" 

Derrick walked into a corner and cried. It was the most heartwarming thing I've ever seen, the tech said "Yes, you have two healthy perfect little boys."  And we all cried together.

I'm having a hard time being truly excited that they are boys.  Don't get me wrong, that was *almost* what I was hoping for (I was secretly hoping for one of each haha, but boys was my second wish).  I think I'm in such a state of relief that they are healthy, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy that they are perfect, I can't celebrate the fact that they are in fact our sons... Not yet. But I will, after I've celebrated that they are so healthy I'll celebrate that we will have sons to raise.

Monday, September 10, 2012

The U/S....

We walked into the office, I was holding it together ok.  This was the same clinic that confirmed our diagnosis for Gabriel, I was nervous. We checked in 10 minutes early and waited... and waited... and waited. 25 minutes after our scheduled time they finally called us in!  Our anxiety was on high by then and my heart about jumped out of my throat.

Then we walked into the same room where we were with Gabriel, with the same ultrasound tech! Now I'm really freaking, but trying not to let it show too much.  We caught up, shared pictures of Gabriel (the tech remembered us) and shared stories. 

The two babies looked so big in there compared to last time!  Beautiful to see really.  She immediately said that our Baby B is now Baby A because thats the presenting baby.  She said the sacs look great and Baby A (previously known as baby B) is still 4 days behind.  Throughout the entire ultrasound she was talking us through it: "heart looks great" "Brain looks perfect" "Cords look wonderful" etc.  I was so grateful she was talking us through this instead of keeping us in the dark like so many other people have in the past.

She started with (the new) baby A.   First checking for kidneys.  She saw the bladder was full right away - a great sign!  Then she saw the bloodflow to the kidneys - 2 beautiful functioning kidneys! Yay!  (We cried).  She spent lots of time looking over baby from head to toe, baby was perfect. 4 chamber heart already, perfectly shaped head and plenty of fluid.

Then she moved onto baby B (previously known as baby A). She checked the heart and brain, then realized she forgot to check kidneys first!  She confirmed bladder was full, then spotted the same bloodflow - 2 more healthy functioning kidneys! Amazing - I broke down and cried and cried. Such a relief to see, kidneys never looked so beautiful to me. 

She confirmed that she got both babies measurments, then asked about our plans to find out or not. We told her what we wanted to know.  After she answered our question Derrick started to twitch and I knew at that moment, he had to know which the babies are.  Sadly, I am on lockdown until tomorrow as far as the gender(s) go because he has a few people he wants to tell first.  So tomorrow, I will post a "gender reveal" photo.  Bet you can't wait huh? 

Till then, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew how it went today and that our little babies look absolutely perfect at this point.  I wanted to say a huge thank you for all the love, support, thoughts and prayers we have recieved. Its so overwhelming to know how many people care about us and our babies.   A certain someone upstairs definitely heard every single prayer said. I can't put into words my gratitude for everything everyone has done for us. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Change of heart, changed our mind

Yup.  Changed our minds and came to a compromise.

From the moment we saw our positive test result, we knew we wanted to wait to find out the baby's sex.  Then, today, Derrick surprises me by saying he sort of thinks we should find out what the babies are!  Oh boy. As if I wasn't having a hard enough time holding out myself! He said he thinks people will bond with the babies more that way, that we'll be able to really connect with them.

So I consulted a group of friends online and Derrick and I agreed on one of their suggestions.  We'll simply ask the tech if they are both the same sex. 

~If they are NOT the same, then we'll know we have one of each, but we still won't know which baby is which. 
~If they are the same, then we'll be waiting to find out which sex they are.

I'm probably going to have the tech write down down what each baby is so that we can find out on Christmas morning. We don't know for sure if we'll do the Christmas morning reveal, but we definitely want to keep it as an option.

Also, if there is something wrong with either baby, we will absolutely be finding out exactly what they are.

We have our big kidney ultrasound on Monday. I don't know if they'll be willing to tell us since we'll be just shy of 17 weeks.  So in the meantime I'm trying to fill my time with fun things and positive things to keep my mind excited about the ultrasound.  So I've added a poll! Make sure to vote!  -->

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Panic Mode.

5 days. 5 days till we walk into the same clinic that told us Gabriel had a terminal condition, they'll now tell us if these babies have the same condition or if both babies have all their vital organs.  5 days.

Panic mode has set in this week.  Neither of us is doing well. Our emotions are on high and we are depending on eachother to keep composed.  I've subtly put myself into hiding so I don't pawn off my anxiety on everyone around me, but it also gives me a chance to feel what I am feeling as I'm feeling it. (Thank you Dawn - you know who you are).  I'm clinging to this thought this week, it seems to be pulling me through. I didn't "plan" for how I'd feel in the days leading up to the ultrasound, although I did assume it'd be overwhelming.  I'm also not planning how I'll handle that day, I'm just going to go with what I'm feeling and let it happen.   Derrick mentioned to me that maybe we should cancel and just wait for our 20 week scan.  I told him no, I'd rather go through this, get it overwith and know whats going on in there. Otherwise I'm going to be feeling this way for the next 4 weeks. I know I need to do this, I need to know, I need to walk this path and its something I prepared for in getting pregnant - I knew this would be part of our journey - I just didn't expect it to be x2.

Yesterday I recieved a wonderful gift. A friend sent me a fetal doppler to borrow.  I realize that hearing the heartbeats has nothing to do with the kidneys and also doesn't guarantee anything, but it does bring me momentary comfort to know that they are both in there and - if nothing else - their hearts are still beating, at least in that moment I can have some peace and comfort. Its a little worrisome to wonder if I'm finding the same babies heartbeat twice or if I'm finding the two separate ones. Lucky for me I've timed them and they vary slightly so I seem to know.

We did have our 16 week check up today.  I was hoping for more weight gain (I may be the only person in the world to say that) as I've only gained 5lbs.  The doctor wasn't worried though, she said "but feel free to eat more" haha, thanks for the approval to eat like a horse :)   My blood pressure is higher than whats normal for me. Usually I run in the 90's - today it was 118.  I'm blaming it on the stress of our upcoming ultrasound. I guess we'll see if it goes back down after or not. The doctor wasn't worried about it because its still in normal range. One babies heartbeat was 166, the other was 160, they are on opposite sides so she's confident she found two separate heartbeats.  She also said that it feels like I'm measuring around 20 weeks, that brought me some comfort too just knowing that they are growing in there. She said they would normally do a growth scan but because I have an ultrasound on Monday there was no need to do an extra one, they'll check all that on Monday.

So we wait. We hope. We pray. We ask for thoughts, prayers, and finger crossings.