Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Panic Mode.

5 days. 5 days till we walk into the same clinic that told us Gabriel had a terminal condition, they'll now tell us if these babies have the same condition or if both babies have all their vital organs.  5 days.

Panic mode has set in this week.  Neither of us is doing well. Our emotions are on high and we are depending on eachother to keep composed.  I've subtly put myself into hiding so I don't pawn off my anxiety on everyone around me, but it also gives me a chance to feel what I am feeling as I'm feeling it. (Thank you Dawn - you know who you are).  I'm clinging to this thought this week, it seems to be pulling me through. I didn't "plan" for how I'd feel in the days leading up to the ultrasound, although I did assume it'd be overwhelming.  I'm also not planning how I'll handle that day, I'm just going to go with what I'm feeling and let it happen.   Derrick mentioned to me that maybe we should cancel and just wait for our 20 week scan.  I told him no, I'd rather go through this, get it overwith and know whats going on in there. Otherwise I'm going to be feeling this way for the next 4 weeks. I know I need to do this, I need to know, I need to walk this path and its something I prepared for in getting pregnant - I knew this would be part of our journey - I just didn't expect it to be x2.

Yesterday I recieved a wonderful gift. A friend sent me a fetal doppler to borrow.  I realize that hearing the heartbeats has nothing to do with the kidneys and also doesn't guarantee anything, but it does bring me momentary comfort to know that they are both in there and - if nothing else - their hearts are still beating, at least in that moment I can have some peace and comfort. Its a little worrisome to wonder if I'm finding the same babies heartbeat twice or if I'm finding the two separate ones. Lucky for me I've timed them and they vary slightly so I seem to know.

We did have our 16 week check up today.  I was hoping for more weight gain (I may be the only person in the world to say that) as I've only gained 5lbs.  The doctor wasn't worried though, she said "but feel free to eat more" haha, thanks for the approval to eat like a horse :)   My blood pressure is higher than whats normal for me. Usually I run in the 90's - today it was 118.  I'm blaming it on the stress of our upcoming ultrasound. I guess we'll see if it goes back down after or not. The doctor wasn't worried about it because its still in normal range. One babies heartbeat was 166, the other was 160, they are on opposite sides so she's confident she found two separate heartbeats.  She also said that it feels like I'm measuring around 20 weeks, that brought me some comfort too just knowing that they are growing in there. She said they would normally do a growth scan but because I have an ultrasound on Monday there was no need to do an extra one, they'll check all that on Monday.

So we wait. We hope. We pray. We ask for thoughts, prayers, and finger crossings.

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