Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Good things do happen.

I write this as I sob, uncontrollably but passionately. Happy tears, happier tears than I've felt in a long time. 

Last night I went to group. I had missed a session or two (I lose track of days easily these days) so I had much to talk about. Losing Gabriel's hair, the anniversary dates, and other things. Hard things.  I mentioned that I hadn't come to terms with knowing his hair is gone. I sort of pushed it under the rug to deal with on a day that I was in a better place to deal. 

After all this time I really thought it was long gone... But alas I FOUND GABRIEL'S HAIR TODAY!!! I had to do a double and a triple take, but it was real!  I couldn't believe it! 

I instantly cried, hard. I sat there sobbing on my bedroom floor. Pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I gently sniffed it, it still harbors his scent (or maybe it's just that engrained in my memory bank).  It's still here, the last physical piece of him is still mine!

And of course, it's in my immediate plan to find a much safer way to store this!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Anniversary realizations

A few weeks ago I downloaded the TimeHop app. It goes back in time each day to your Facebook and shows you what statuses you posted that day in years past. 

Today was an exciting one as I read through statuses that all lead back to the wedding, today was our 1 year anniversary. 

TimeHop Abe showed me something interesting I never realized before. 3 years ago today we found out there was something wrong with our baby. Unknowingly we selected this day as our wedding anniversary because 11 years ago today marks the day we first met. I never realized that this day was so intimately connected to Gabriel as well. 

At first I was kind of saddened by that news. But a friend told me this: it's as if Gabriel wanted this day to be a happy one instead of a sad one. 

Then my sadness turned. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Pregnancy and Infant Loss/Infertility Awareness Wraps

As I've mentioned before, I began a new chapter in my life as a Jamberry Consultant.  I loved their nail wraps the moment I put them on my nails and knew at that moment I was hooked.

Recently I created a custom wrap design in their Nail Art Studio to support Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Infertility Awareness.  100% of my commission will be donated to Prenatal Partners for Life and Nickolas' Gift.  Two amazing and wonderful organizations.  Both offer support and care packages to families experiencing the loss of their child.  Prenatal Partners for Life is the organization that not only sent me care packages before and after Gabriel was born, but also paid for his headstone at the cemetery.  Nickolas' Gift has provided unmatched love and support in the grieving process.

Here is the nail design
I am doing it as a bulk order,  I will be placing the order so that nobody has to pay shipping on them, no later than August 20th.

If you don't know what Jamberry Nail Wraps are, I'm including some brief information below. If you have any questions or are interested in getting some wraps to help support a great cause, send me an email to and I'd be happy to help you.  The more money we can donate the better!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

My reality

There are certain things about my reality, that nobody should ever have to deal with. In a few short weeks, Miss E will be starting preschool. While this is bitter sweet for me, she's extremely excited. 

Over the course of the last few weeks, we've received countless letters from the school. Some about the schedule, more money they need, school supplies and orientation invitations. Today we received a letter from her teachers, it was really sweet and on the back showed photos of them and some things about them. Evelyn was excited to see the face of her teacher. Finally a name and face: Mrs Sandy. 

Along with this letter was a "student star!" Form. Apparently these forms (with a photo attached) will be put into a book. Each week a student gets to take the book home to learn about their fellow classmates. 

It's all basic information: name, birthday, age, likes, etc. But there's always one thing...

 "I have _____ people in my family, their names are _____."

Of course my instant thought was "do I include Gabriel or not?" This is a common problem I face everyday as I meet people, I have figured out the answer - if I will see them again, I include him. If I won't see them again, then I don't. 

By that rule, since I'll see them all again, I should include him. Besides, it's a chance for her teachers and other parents to know about him and that we include him in our family. Next to his name I would include "... (He lives with Jesus)" since it's a religious school.

 On the other hand, this is going to 4 year olds. They will probably be confused and bring up uncomfortable questions to their parents, who would then be struggling to find a way to explain death to their innocent little kids.  

So what do I do? And why on earth was I dealt the hand that has to deal with things like this? I spent countless hours today pondering which way to go. 

I don't know what I'll do yet. I've left the line blank and will likely talk to her teachers about it at orientation. I can't decide, and a part of me is hoping they'll decide for me. Although I'm a little scared of what they may say. I find often times people don't think before they speak.  Hopefully they'll be kind and let me down gently, because in my heart I really want to include his name.