Gabriel's Big Day
I feel like the decision to pick Gabriel's birthday is the toughest decision a person can make, and I can't seem to do it. So we've decided to leave his birthday up to him and God. I feel like maybe the reason I can't pick is because it really isn't my decision to make, it's not really up to me. The other reason is more for Gabriel. His life is going to be so short as it is, why make it shorter than it has to be? It gives us a little more time to spend with him while he's safely tucked inside my belly, happily playing and moving around. If at some point I/we decide its too much for us to take emotionally, then we'll induce at that time. But for now, we're going to leave him nestled up safe and warm. I have read that sometimes Potter's babies go into labor earlier and don't carry to full term, sometimes 32 weeks, sometimes 36 and occasionally 39 or 40.
There are a few concerns about letting it out of our hands, my brother's birthday is 2 weeks before our due date, Christmas is a little over a week before our due date, New Years is 4 days before our due date, my dad's birthday is our due date... I worry sometimes that if he picks one of those days it will ruin that day. I try to remember that no matter what day he picks, its a day to celebrate his life, everything he's taught us and how he's changed our lives. If he shares that day with another then that's how it was supposed to be.
One thing I have noticed about being pregnant with a Potter's Syndrome baby that is far different from my pregnancy with Evelyn, is the feeling when he moves and plays. I don't mean emotionally, of course that's different. I mean physically it feels different. I assume because there's no fluid to act as a cushion against his blows and squirming. That's exactly how it feels, like there's no cushion. Sometimes, when he's very active, it gets uncomfortable and almost painful. I can't explain how it feels, like getting an elbow straight to my side from the outside - except its from the inside and doesn't hurt quite that bad.
Telling our story
Sometimes its hard to decide how much information to share with people. My tummy is getting bigger and bigger and more people are starting to notice and ask questions like: "Awww another baby, when are you due?" (the greeter at Wal-mart did this to me today...). I always have to think for a moment, and what I've come up with is this: If I am going to talk to them again, I'll give them a breif version of our story. If I won't see them again or they don't know me, I just say "January 4th..."
No matter how much I tell a person though, everyone is more than supportive of our decision to let him live as long as he can. They understand the need to hope and pray for a miracle to happen.
I noticed lately that we've been sort of hibernating at home a lot. When I think about it, I realize that a lot of that has to do with the fact that its a little hard to go out. When we're with people it seems like there is a great big elephant in the room... People are concerned, want to know that we're doing ok, but are afraid to ask specifics, afraid I might cry, don't want to over step their bounds... But please don't worry. I like telling our story, it gives me an outlet to get my emotions, fears, and thoughts out in the open. Sure, I might cry, but don't be afraid. It feels good to cry. Sharing our story gives me strength, gives me hope that our baby will have a legacy, that people will know his story and share his story with other people.