It's been so long since I've posted an update. It's not because I don't want to or don't have anything to post, but time is hard to come by these days and it's tough to find time to post anything! I'm continuously contacted by parents who have found my blog that are looking for resources, some one who understands. Although it is hard to swallow sometimes, I'm always grateful for them reaching out. Sometimes I wonder if I've really given them everything I can. I hope that what I have offered is enough to help them get through.
A few months ago, I was strongly considering volunteering as a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS). They are the organization that provided a volunteer photographer the day Gabriel was born. I went with another photographer when there was alert of a baby born with a different fatal condition. I brought my camera and watched her work, so sensitively, carefully shooting some of the only images this family would have of their precious and beautiful daughter. I had told the photographer my story prior to going in the room. I shared with her the story of Gabriel and told her that if I stepped out, don't worry about me - I'd simply be gathering myself. Walking in was hard, but soon the lump in my throat began to go down as I shared with these parents the story of Gabriel. They soaked it in. Possibly the first interaction they had with someone after they lost their precious child. I held it together, I learned a lot. I completely lost it on the way home. It took a long time for me to recover from that experience. It hit me even harder than I had anticipated. Since then, I haven't had it in me to officially sign on. I hope to someday, but I'm still recuperating from that experience now and it isn't easy.
Part of the reason for being MIA on my blog and MIA from NILMDTS and MIA from group and MIA from the cemetery is because my own photography business has taken off and I'm busier than I ever imagined I could be. Did I ever tell you that I incorporated him into my business? My logo has two stars in it, one for him and one for the baby we miscarried. Just a random side note for you. I've also been busy chasing 2 adorable boys who are gaining independence and a precious girl who just graduated from Kindergarten.
She graduated Kindergarten. How on earth did that happen? My goodness, mom always told me not to blink or I'll miss it. I guess I blinked. She's getting so big. I wonder what it would be like with Gabriel graduating pre-school and going into Kindergarten next year. I hadn't thought about the fact that he'd possibly be starting kindergarten next year. Ouch.
As I mentioned, I haven't been to the cemetery recently, although I plan to go soon. We live farther away now and it's not as accessible. Beyond that though, I feel like he's here with me. I feel like he's around and going there is simply to check in and make sure his spot is cared for. Sometimes I do feel the need to be close to him, but I have the container with his hair hanging in a shadowbox above my desk, thats about as physically close to him as I can get.
Our support group took a bit of a break for a few months, but the last few they've gotten together. Sadly I keep getting tied up in so many other things, I haven't been able to go back. I'm hoping to attend this month if I can find a babysitter for the evening. I want to go back as I feel like I do have a lot to talk about, it just hasn't worked out for me recently.
I browse the Facebook app "on this day" which takes me back to the early days of my activity on Facebook. Usually I look forward to the memories and anticipate which milestones the kids hit on any given day. Recently I've seen a lot of my blogs showing up. I read them. I go back to read about whatever stage I was at on any given day. Most of the time I can't believe I wrote the words I read, did I write that??? I guess I did.
I logged in to my blog today and was shocked to see the number of reads my blog has now. 145,767. Woah, that number is SO much bigger than I ever anticipated it would be. It was started with intention of keeping friends and family updated, I had just got my + pregnancy test for Gabriel when I decided to start this. It turned into a blog about healing and grieving because, well... life. I can only hope that every single person that clicks on a link for my blog has learned something. Has taken something away from it, (preferably something good - see a few posts back). I hope they are able to understand better, feel comforted if they are in a situation and fearing the loss of their child. I hope they are warmed by the words I sit down and write each time. It's sometimes hard to read, it's really hard to write. But I know someone is reading it and learning, understanding.
If you are reading this post, I hope you'll email me, or comment. Tell me that you understand better. Tell me something you learned, whatever it is. Tell me you read it. Let me know that I'm helping someone, somewhere.
I still feel Gabriel with me, although not as much a before. I always know when he's near me though, I don't know how I know, I just do. I always ask him to be near me when something big or nerve wracking is happening, and I always feel comforted. My favorite though is to stand in the warm sprinkling rain, I look up at the sky and think of him, his smell. His face. I always feel closest to him when it rains.
I guess it's time to end this ramble. I have one child in bed sleeping, one cuddling up next to me and one losing it because he is overtired. I wonder what Gabriel would be doing in this scenario.