Sunday, January 22, 2012

New "Normal"

Another Page Turned
Every sunset turns another page in your story. This statement fit into my day quite perfectly. Today, was my first day going back to work since Gabriel was born.

Driving to work this morning was packed with thoughts. I started out driving on the highway past the cemetary. I waved hi to Gabriel and told him I love him, then proceeded to think about the last 6 weeks since he was born, everything we've gone through, everything we've done, every motion and every emotion. Driving to work felt like we were starting the next chapter - getting back into our "normal" routine.

When I arrived at work - just before opening the door - I looked at my phone and had recieved an email. I'm the curious type so I had to check it, it was Carly from Christian's Beach! They took Gabriel's photo last night! SO excited! Now I can send her some money and get the digital copy of it emailed to me. Here's the preview photo:

She also puts a memorial on her blog, its whatever you put when you submit the name request, here's the link where you'll find his memorial :
So my thoughts were this:  Last night his photo was taken at sunset closing that day and also closing that chapter of our lives and moving into the next - getting back to normal. A message from Gabriel? Maybe...

Returning to work:
I was nervous about going back to work, what would people say? How would people act around me? How many times would I repeat the story? How many times would I start to cry?  After talking to some of Derrick's family, I went in with a plan: If it got to be too much I would simply say "Lets just talk about today for right now, ok?"

But it went well, when I got there everyone was warm and loving: "Welcome back!" "Nice to see you back!" "So good to see you!" and two that were a little tougher...
"Where've you been?" - ok, I realize I didn't shout our situation from the rooftops, but you didn't notice that my middle was getting a little... round? But ok, I'll play along - "I was on medical leave." Done.
Then there was:
"Did you have your baby?" This came from the people who noticed I was pregnant, but never said anything and never were told the conditions of this pregnancy... So a hard one to hear. I Just told them that the baby only lived for 35 minutes, he was beautiful and perfect, just had no kidneys."

It was a good day, it was busy but not too busy, I wasn't hounded by people like I worried I would be. People were very respectful of my return. It was a great day overall - and the best part, I didn't cry even once :) in fact, I found that it felt pretty good to be talking about him and sharing his legacy. It was also a subtle way of raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss awareness and making sure he lives on, through our story.

Today, I learned that my younger brother has skype (that punk didn't bother to tell me this???) so we've been skyping all night, I was able to send him pictures of Gabriel and others of our family. I was pleased to finally be able to share with him the details of the morning Gabriel was born by showing it to him :) 

So all in all a fabulous day -  Learning the new "normal".

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