Sunday, January 8, 2012

1 month

Today, Gabriel would be 1 month old. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, othertimes it feels like its been an eternity of heartache. Its hard to think that we should have a 1 month old and how life would be now, what things we'd be doing with him. How would he have changed and what would he look like now.

I experience a lot of anxiety about things. I worry that something could happen to Evelyn, that something or some illness could rip her from our arms just like Potters Syndrome did to us with Gabriel. I worry that other friends and family could be ripped from our lives, or that something could happen to us.

Often times, I find myself wondering into Evelyn's room to check that she is still breathing and doing ok. When I wake up in the mornings and hear her laughing, playing and "talking" I feel a huge sense of relief that she's still here and she's ok.

I hope the anxiety of tragedy fades in time. I know that it'll never go away completely, but I hope it lessens some so my heart and mind can rest. Its hard to constantly worry about everyone and everything all the time. I find it emotionally draining.

Life After Gabriel
Life after Gabriel is a roller coaster ride. Somedays I am fine and only think about him sporatically. I can get out of bed with confidence and feel strong throughout the day. Other days I think about him all day long and do everything in my power to not be an emotional mess. On those days I find it hard to balance the grieving process with everyday life.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last month, mostly things that have to do with how I greive. I apparently get very tired. I'm always tired, I could sleep all day long. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I feel like I could sleep more. I feel tired a few short hours after I wake up. I think that is my way of avoiding dealing with life after tragedy. I force myself to stay awake and go about life, its not easy, but I know I can't hide in my bed forever.

I usually go out to the cemetary about 5 days a week. Usually after I drop Derrick off I make a quick stop out there to say hi and start my day. Evelyn has become quite familiar with the cemetary now and usually knows where we're headed when we get out of the car. Sadly we don't have a headstone yet because they have to wait till spring thaw to place a marker. We haven't bothered to pick out what we want yet since they can't place it anyways.

At Christmas my mom bought a bunch of angel ornaments for our families to put on their trees. She wanted to get Gabriel's name engraved on them, but because they are round and not flat she wasn't able to get them engraved. She did however, find a woman who does a sort of calligraphy on various items for a price. After my mom shared her story and her trouble with getting them engraved,  the woman offered her services for free. Before Christmas, my mom bought a hook and hung an ornament for Gabriel. Its a perfect way to mark where he sleeps.

"Everytime a bell rings, a faithful angel gets its wings"

On many days, when I park the car, I can see his ornament glistening in the sunlight, sparkling and alerting me of his location.  When I peer down at the ground where my precious son lays, I see things people have left for him, our rubber ducky, flowers, and writings cover the ground. It comforts me to know, people have visited him, are still thinking about him and and make the effort to drive to the cemetary to see him... I have a whole new perspective on cemetarys and people's resting spots and I will always remember to visit people and leave a little something for them - partly for the comfort of the families that visit and see those things...

I hate that I don't get to tell my son how much I love him while holding him and rocking him to sleep, instead I stare down at the dirt and hope he hears my prayers. I tell him all about our lives, who we are, the things his older sister is doing and places we're going. I tell him that I think about him all the time, how I wish he was here...

Life after Gabriel is hard, its emotional and raw. I feel like my heart gets yanked straight out of my chest whenever something triggers my greif.

I should have a 19 month old and a 1 month old. Instead I have a 19 month old who is with us and a 1 month old who parties with the angels...

1 comment:

  1. Hi. My name is Keri. My son, Travis, died of Potter's Syndrome on January 16, 1990. He would have been 22 next Monday.
    I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. A friend of mine referred me to your blog, and I read it all the time and think of you. Each blog you write, I feel is a thought or feeling that I have had. There are so many things that I would like to share with you, but most of all I just wanted to thank you for helps me to feel that I am not alone.
    I was only 16 when I got pregnant, and 17 when I had Travis, and I was numb throughout the entire pregnancy and birth, and more worried about what others were feeling and thinking, instead of myself and dealing with my feelings. Your blog today reminded me of how my 9 year old tells people that she has a brother that is her angel.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you ever need anything, please let me know.