Autopsy results are in...

Just got off the phone with Dr Landers, she recieved the autopsy results today.

She said that Gabriel definitely didn't have any kidneys and the tubes that connect the kidneys to the bladder were also missing. She said they made note of the small chest, small underdeveloped bladder and some facial deformities (that I didn't notice - he was beautiful to me). They said something was different about his chin, ears and nose and also that his eyes resembled those of Down Syndrome, which is common for Potters Syndrome as well.  I will be honest, I had noticed his ears were different but I loved them. They were very low on his face and very large, and they appeared very "flat". 

The one thing in the autopsy that surprised me, the examiner found that Gabriel had excess spleens. Gabriel couldn't develop any kidneys, but he had developed more than his share of spleens!?!  He didn't get all the organs he needed but developed extra of the ones he had? Weird.

I forgot to ask if they put down an eye color on the autopsy... I'll probably just ask at my next appointment to see if they said anything about that. I want to know, its just something I've been curious about since I never got to see them.

Its nice to know that they didn't find anything concerning in the autopsy.  So now that we have all the test results back its nice to know that our risk of any future abnormalities is low. Its also very comforting to know that even if we had tried to take extreme measures to try to save him, it wouldn't have worked.

Baby Fever
Going through the greiving process after losing a baby, is like the worse case of baby  fever a person can imagine. I have a need to fill the hole in my heart, but also to fill these empty arms that are craving a baby in them. Its not to replace Gabriel, nothing could ever do that. Its just a want to fill part of a giant hole in my life.

I see babies, pregnant woman, and newborns and I can't help but get jealous and long for the gentle cries and coos of a newborn. I  wish we'd gotten to celebrate his birth, his first day, arriving home with him...

I just wish we'd gotten the chance to know Gabriel, to have him in our lives - a gentle, crying newborn... then maybe I wouldn't be experiencing such an extreme case of  "baby fever".