Happy 7th Birthday Gabriel!

Its crazy to think that it's been 7 years since I kissed Gabriel's face. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  It's hard to explain, I feel like it's been so so long since I've looked over his features, but my heart hurts like a fresh wound.

Two weeks ago I was digging through photo boxes and found his ultrasounds. I dont know why they were in photo boxes instead of with all his other things, but that was my reminder that his birthday was approaching. I put them in his memory box where they should have been to begin with.

I didn't dread this day like I have in years past. In fact, I managed to push it out of my head for the most part.  I even worked this morning, I was able to mostly contain my emotions. But when I realized his Christmas lights for his tree had been chewed by a squirrel last year, panic ensued at the store when I couldnt find new solar lights.

Lucky for me I called my husband who assured me that battery operated lights would work just fine for now.  I came home, decorated his tree as I do every year.

The kids had a hard time figuring it all out this year. Evelyn cried on the way to the cemetary because she wishes she had gotten to know her brother.  The boys still dont totally understand what it all means, but they kept saying they wish they got to remember him.

When we got to the cemetary they had removed the post I put out so we could find him after snow fell....  panic again.  Where is he buried!  All around - fresh unstepped on snow. All headstones are flat there.  We began digging and I walked right to the spot where his neighbor is. Whew, crisis diverted.  We lit his tree, a couple candles and put put a few decorations.  The kids has asked to sing him happy birthday, so we did.

The ride home, emotions hit.  My heart ached and I tried my best not to cry.  I played my Gabriel music playlist in the shower and let my emotions flow.

I'm going to bed tonight thinking of my angel.  I hope he comes to see me in my dreams.  <3 p="">

Gabriel Bear has surgery

A couple years ago, the build a bear that we made with Gabriel's heartbeat quit beating. I was sad but knew I could go in and fix it. A couple years later we finally did.  Sadly they couldn't just replace the battery so I had to pull up the blog from when we did the beat originally and re-record the heartbeat.  The original recording was on a phone that had died - I'm SO glad I posted the video on that blog so I could go back to it.  Now I'll have to re-record the heartbeat and save it in multiple places.

The new recording isnt quite as crisp and clean as the original one was, but it will do for now.  If I can pull the sound better I'll just put a new sound box in the bear again.

I also decided he needed a shirt! So now my Gabriel Bear has clothes!

Strength

I often get told how strong I was through everything and how strong I continue to be.  While I appreciate the sentiment, I hope people also realize that not every moment is full of strength.  Sometimes there are moments of weakness.

Today is a perfect example.  I feel like perhaps Gabriel is trying to get my attention and I'm not sure why.   I took the kids to a local playground today.  There was also a daycare center enjoying a day out  too.  I was watching the kids play and suddenly heard one of the teachers yell for Gabriel.  There was a little tinge to my heart upon hearing his name.  Then I heard her yell it a second and a third time, all while images of my own son scroll through my mind.

I looked around, desperate to see this Gabriel child.  A short bit later I said hi to one of the teachers and we got into some small chat about the weather and whatever else.  I randomly asked how old the kids were and sure enough... Gabriel is 5.

5 years old. That's exactly how old my Gabriel would be today.  The teacher and I parted ways and I sat on the bench.  I was watching my kids happily play without so much as a pause, but also watching this boy, Gabriel, out of the corner of my eye.  I was catching a glimpse of all the things Gabriel would be doing if he were at the park with us today, how he would be acting. Communicating. Playing. Interacting with other kids.

Tears quietly rolled down my cheek as I thought of him.

As we were leaving I thought to myself, "strength?".  This isn't what it feels like to be strong. This isn't the image that I put out there for everyone to see.  In society it doesn't feel acceptable to cry 5 years after the loss. So I brush the tears away and put on a happy tune as I drive away.

Then, while sitting and editing photos at my dinner table awhile later, I received a message through Facebook.   It was a friend who had helped me tremendously after the loss of Gabriel and always had thoughts and prayers as I travelled the journey.  A friend of hers just got a Potters Syndrome diagnosis.

I love receiving these messages.   It devastates me to know someone else is beginning the journey we started 6 years ago.  My heart breaks for them and their families and I always send thoughts and prayers to these broken hearted strangers.  The part that I love - people reaching out. People trying to help others. People who remember my Gabriel and everything we went through and they think of him, they think of me.  They think of ways to help their friends, they ask for help in how to support them and things they can do.  I am more than happy to help, to listen to these parents as they walk through the darkness they face.

With tears in my eyes and a broken heart, this is how I help Gabriel live on. He lives  through me helping friends of friends, strangers via email and even in chatting to certain politicians. He lives on through me. He lives on through helping others travel this journey.

Just thinking.

Life Updates

Hello all, I haven't forgotten about you and I know I haven't been in touch.  Life is crazy and busy and it's hard to keep up sometimes!

About a month ago I attended the support group again for the first time in at least a year.  It was so nice to be back and surrounded by those who walk this journey too.  I listened as newcomers shared their heartbreaking stories of loss and where they are now.   It's tough to make it to group sometimes, babysitters and other life things often get in the way.  But there's nothing quite like finding a group of people who understand you.

I've been watching "This Is Us"  That show is quite the tearjerker and I didn't think I'd make it through after watching the first episode.    It's sort of like Grey's Anatomy to me though.  It's hard to watch, but I get attached to the story line and the characters.  It also brings some comfort to know that these shows are bringing infant loss to light and making it less and less taboo to talk about.  It's making people realize this is more common than we would like it to be and more people are understanding it.  Less people run away from me when I tell them I lost a baby, they empathize. They are more understanding.

Dear Medical Professionals

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I was asked what would I wish to tell a group of doctors who are weighing the pros and cons of potentially moving forward with treatments for Potters Syndrome babies.  What message would I have for them.

I would want them to know that it should have been my choice. When I brought them a potential treatment, they should have given me the outlook and let me make the decision on how far I would be willing to go to save my baby.     I would not have tortured him, but I would have been willing to put him on dialysis if it meant a later kidney transplant and survival.    The main reason they refused was because it was considered experimental and therefore not covered by insurance.   I would not have had the funds to cover the treatments without insurance coverage.  The secondary reason was that it hadn't been tried/successful before.  At least 2 doctors told me that it sounded like something that would open up possibilities but that it was unlikely to work .

I would want them to know that my son deserved a chance at life.  Babies are born extremely early and are placed in some very expensive "experimental" treatments in hopes of saving their life.  Why not my baby? Why didn't my baby deserve that chance too?  Babies are born with other abnormalities all the time that would be fatal if not for experimental treatments to save their lives.

They say it is inhumane and purely experimental and that's why we shouldn't move forward.  Inhumane?  Is the dialysis we offer to adults with kidney failure inhumane?   We don't question the value of their life, we offer dialysis, which is exactly what I wanted for my child.  My child who had no other issues besides missing kidneys.

Gabriel probably would have been a prime candidate for those treatments because he didn't have any other problems.  He wasn't brain dead. He wasn't paralyzed.  he would have lived a fairly normal life had he survived.     He would have spent some time in the NICU the same way premature babies do.  He would have been on dialysis and underwent a kidney transplant at an extremely young age.  He would have been on transplant medication for his entire life and likely would have needed at least 1 other kidney transplant.  None of those things seem inhumane.  These are things we do for living and surviving people everyday.   Yet, my baby didn't deserve that same treatment apparently.

Surprisingly to me, some of my message will actually be a part of the future of Potters Syndrome babies of the future as they get shared with medical professionals by people who have more power than me.   His effect continues on!

So Gabriel has been on my mind a lot lately.    In very good ways!  I miss him, I'm so proud to have him be a part of my life.  I'm proud to share his story and hope that he will make an influence on this world, on the world of Potters Syndrome and other kidney deformities.

Grace

It was recently brought to my attention that some people don't realize I still update this blog.   I don't do it often, as time goes on I find less and less things to talk about. I still update though, randomly and sporadically as things come up that I think I should write about, usually every few months or so.  I especially don't want people who come here looking for help to think I'm not here anymore. I'm still here.  I'm still listening.

Today I received an email and it prompted this post. It's comments and questions I get in emails often, and I'm happy to continue answering those same questions in more detail via email.  I also want to post it here for those  who may not be ready or comfortable reaching out.   It was a mom who chose to terminate when faced with their Potter's Syndrome Diagnosis.  She was struggling with that decision and had a lot of unanswered questions about a chance of survival if she had chosen differently.  She struggles with the choice to terminate instead of carrying her baby boy to term.

If you've read my journey, you may already realize that ultimately I made both choices.  I carried Gabriel to term, then at 36 weeks had to make the choice to induce labor so that I could have the natural delivery I wanted for him and to hopefully get to see him before he passed away.  I made both choices, neither choice was easier than the other. We also chose comfort care for him, meaning we wouldn't intervene to try to keep him alive  longer - we already knew what the outcome would be.   I often wonder what would have happened if we had chosen to put him on life support, maybe his lungs would have developed enough to keep him alive. Maybe he could have lived long enough to qualify for a kidney transplant.  I don't dwell on this curiosities though, because I know at this point there has only been 1 long term survivor of BRA, and that survival is one that is well beyond my understanding. Babies with the same treatment have not survived.

So there's a few topics I want to chat more about here.

You are not alone
First things first. I'm not here to judge the path you choose. If you chose to terminate instead of carry to term, you can still contact me for questions or support. I feel like maybe I've isolated those who didn't carry to term, and that was never my intention.   Regardless of the ultimate choice, you have to make the decision that is best for you and your family in the moment.  No matter what that choice is, it's the right one.  Regardless of what that choice was, it was a hard one.  Neither direction is an easier route than the other.  If I could tell these mom's one thing, it's please do not dwell on the choice you had to make.   It was a personal choice, one you had to make for yourself, your family and your baby. You had to dig deep and think long and hard about which direction to turn when both paths lead into a deep dark scary cave.

Grace
I'm told often how gracefully I handled the pregnancy and life of Gabriel.  The truth is it wasn't always graceful, but I allowed myself that. I gave myself  the grace to allow weak moments to happen naturally and doing that gave me space to be recomposed for the next moment, whatever that may be.  This is a journey that most people cannot fathom. You've had to hear words and make choices that most people can never grasp.  If you are just on the start of this long journey or maybe in the middle, give yourself grace!  Give yourself grace to be weak, to be a mess. Give yourself grace to stay in bed a little longer to cry. Give yourself the grace to grieve as long as you need to. Give yourself the grace to smile if you feel it, or laugh if it happens.  Give yourself grace to feel whatever emotion you are feeling as you are feeling it.  Give yourself that grace because when you come out of that weak moment, you are going to come out recomposed  and ready for the next moment whether that's a happy one or sad one.   Little by little those weak moments will be less and less, but you'll find yourself stronger and stronger.

Surround yourself with people that are going to give you compassion.  People that are going to join you for a cry in bed for a few hours before pushing you into the shower because you stink.  People that will pull you in for a hug when you break down crying as you walk by the baby section of the store.  Nobody can tell you the right or the wrong thing to think or to feel right now.  Know that what you are feeling is whats right for you.

Milestones
Another milestone is approaching. As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed lately, I've been seeing a lot of kids going back to school.  Evelyn will be going back in a couple weeks and joining 1st grade!!  I have a 1st grader!!

What that also means though, is that Gabriel would be starting his school journey this year. He'd be entering preschool.  That is a little hard to swallow for me.  Some of the milestones we've already passed were easier than I anticipated. I dread his birthday each year, but last year I sat and looked through his photo book as I remembered kissing his face. I cried, I laughed. We set up his tree and had cupcakes.  This milestone however, feels a lot like his first birthday. Like a huge setback in this journey.

I watch as other kids get excited about their new adventure, as I wonder past the school supply aisle, I wonder what backpack he would have chosen. What would he want on his lunchbox?  What things would he want me to pack for his snacks?  Would he want a ride to school or a ride on the bus?  What would become his favorite subject?

All these things come to mind as I ponder who he would be today.  And when I take Evelyn to school in a few weeks, I'll wonder what it would be like to be dropping him off too.

These milestones never end.  As soon as I work through this one, It'll be a point in life when he would be graduating Kindergarten, then entering 1st grade, then graduating elementary school, eventually driving and graduating high school.  I'll always wonder who he'd be today.

Thoughts for all your moms who travel this journey alongside me.

Updates

It's been so long since I've posted an update. It's not because I don't want to or don't have anything to post, but time is hard to come by these days and it's tough to find time to post anything!  I'm continuously contacted by parents who have found my blog that are looking for resources, some one who understands.  Although it is hard to swallow sometimes, I'm always grateful for them reaching out.  Sometimes I wonder if I've really given them everything I can.  I hope that what I have offered is enough to help them get through.

A few months ago, I was strongly considering volunteering as a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS).  They are the organization that provided a volunteer photographer the day Gabriel was born.  I went with another photographer when there was alert of a baby born with a different fatal condition.  I brought my camera and watched her work, so sensitively, carefully shooting some of the only images this family would have of their precious and beautiful daughter.  I had told the photographer my story prior to going in the room.  I shared with her the story of Gabriel and told her that if I stepped out, don't worry about me - I'd simply be gathering myself.   Walking in was hard, but soon the lump in my throat began to go down as I shared with these parents the story of Gabriel.  They soaked it in.  Possibly the first interaction they had with someone after they lost their precious child.  I held it together, I learned a lot.  I completely lost it on the way home.  It took a long time for me to recover from that experience.  It hit me even harder than I had anticipated.  Since then, I haven't had it in me to officially sign on.  I hope to someday, but I'm still recuperating from that experience now and it isn't easy.

Part of the reason for being MIA on my blog and MIA from NILMDTS and MIA from group and MIA from the cemetery is because my own photography business has taken off and I'm busier than I ever imagined I could be. Did I ever tell you that I incorporated him into my business? My logo has two stars in it, one for him and one for the baby we miscarried. Just a random side note for you.   I've also been busy chasing 2 adorable boys who are gaining independence and a precious girl who just graduated from Kindergarten.

She graduated Kindergarten.  How on earth did that happen?  My goodness, mom always told me not to blink or I'll miss it. I guess I blinked. She's getting so big. I wonder what it would be like with Gabriel graduating pre-school and going into Kindergarten next year.  I hadn't thought about the fact that he'd possibly be starting kindergarten next year. Ouch.

As I mentioned, I haven't been to the cemetery recently, although I plan to go soon.  We live farther away now and it's not as accessible. Beyond that though, I feel like he's here with me.  I feel like he's around and going there is simply to check in and make sure his spot is cared for.  Sometimes I do feel the need to be close to him, but I have the container with his hair hanging in a shadowbox above my desk, thats about as physically close to him as I can get.

Our support group took a bit of a break for a few months, but the last few they've gotten together.  Sadly I keep getting tied up in so many other things, I haven't been able to go back.  I'm hoping to attend this month if I can find a babysitter for the evening.  I want to go back as I feel like I do have a lot to talk about, it just hasn't worked out for me recently.

I browse the Facebook app "on this day" which takes me back to the early days of my activity on Facebook.  Usually I look forward to the memories and anticipate which milestones the kids hit on any given day.  Recently I've seen a lot of my blogs showing up.  I read them.  I go back to read about whatever stage I was at on any given day.  Most of the time I can't believe I wrote the words I read, did I write that??? I guess I did.

I logged in to my blog today and was shocked to see the number of reads my blog has now. 145,767.  Woah, that number is SO much bigger than I ever anticipated it would be.  It was started with intention of keeping friends and family updated, I had just got my + pregnancy test for Gabriel when I decided to start this.  It turned into a blog about healing and grieving because, well... life.   I can only hope that every single person that clicks on a link for my blog has learned something. Has taken something away from it, (preferably something good - see a few posts back).  I hope they are able to understand better, feel comforted if they are in a situation and fearing the loss of their child.  I hope they are warmed by the words I sit down and write each time.  It's sometimes hard to read, it's really hard to write. But I know someone is reading it and learning, understanding.

If you are reading this post, I hope you'll email me, or comment.  Tell me that you understand better. Tell me something you learned, whatever it is. Tell me you read it.  Let me know that I'm helping someone, somewhere.

I still feel Gabriel with me, although not as much a before.  I always know when he's near me though,  I don't know how I know, I just do.  I always ask him to be near me when something big or nerve wracking is happening, and I always feel comforted.  My favorite though is to stand in the warm sprinkling rain, I look up at the sky and think of him, his smell. His face.  I always feel closest to him when it rains.

I guess it's time to end this ramble.  I have one child in bed sleeping, one cuddling up next to me and one losing it because he is overtired.  I wonder what Gabriel would be doing in this scenario.

Confusion

I'm always in a state of confusion.  I definitely don't feel like I'm finished having babies. We have 3 beautiful kids, but I'm not convinced that I'll never be pregnant again.  I'm not convinced I'll never hold my newborn or breastfeed again.  However, my husband is DONE. He's sure he's done, and is adamant about it.

4 months ago, my very close friends had their little baby.  6 weeks ago my brother had my new nephew.  Last week my best friend came over saying she wants to settle down and have a baby/family.  My sister is working towards adopting. A couple of our other friends have recently been talking about adopting and now, we got a call that our 2 other friends are pregnant with their first baby.  That means literally ALL of the people I am close to are expanding their families.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll never feel complete. Gabriel isn't here so I'm really not complete.  Doesn't mean I will or want anymore kids, just means my heart isn't whole.  After talking to some people I've come to realize that it will likely always feel that way, I will always feel like something is missing, unfortunately having another baby won't fill that hole, it won't suddenly make me feel complete.  

So now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy, infants and adoptions and have no plans of having more babies of my own anytime soon if ever, I'm going to sit here and wallow in the sadness that I feel for a bit and then I'm going to enjoy every moment that nears us closer to the freedom that comes with kids growing up.  I'm going to focus on my new workout regimen and get myself happy and healthy.

I'm grateful for what I have, I just never envisioned struggling so hard 4 years later with each pregnancy announcement that comes by.  Maybe someday it'll be easier.

Birthdays and Holidays

I'm going to do a bit of a long update because it's been awhile.

2015 has been a hard year for multiple reasons.  We have survived a significant move to a neighboring town into a much better house for us.   Although I will miss being less than 2 miles from Gabriel, it is nice that we still aren't too far away.  The neighborhood is nice and our family is much better fit in the new place.   Of course we have Gabriel monuments and memorials throughout our new home.

Over the course of late summer/early fall we experienced a few more losses, tough ones.  My dear grandma passed away in August.  This loss was devastating for me as I've always been close to my maternal grandmother. I found comfort in knowing that Gabriel would now experience the grandma I knew and loved so much.   Her death was not a surprise, there were multiple things leading up to that time. I'm just glad I got to see her and spend some time with her in the days and hours leading up to her passing.

My mother in law had a long and courageous 9 year battle with cancer. She was a fighter and was able to continue on living, even with the chemo and other treatments.  In November her body did not react well to the new chemo regimen she was on and she landed in the hospital where she would stay. Although this death was somewhat expected, it was still a shock as we weren't expecting it so soon.  Just weeks before this happened she was doing very well and had been out running in the sprinkler with my kids, enjoying life on river cruises and other vacations.  That chemo treatment took her out fast and we were all a bit surprised.  Her passing - especially being so close to the passing of my grandma - was very tough for our family.  It is comforting to know that although my surviving children have lost 2 grandmas, my Gabriel has gained 2.  I know those two lovely ladies are up there spoiling him with love, although our hearts remain broken here. In the last moments I had with Gail, I asked of her the same thing I asked of my grandma." Please give Gabriel a special hug and kiss from me, tell him how much I miss him and that I'll see him again someday." For Gail I added "Take care of my little man, I'll take care of yours."

Through these losses, I've learned how much Gabriel's death has effected Evelyn.  She handles it death and loss like a champ.  We always try to put it in a positive light "We'll see grandma again some day." or  "Grandma is going to take care of Evelyn for us till we see them all again!".   For Christmas, the only thing she asked from Santa was a photo of grandma Gail for her bedroom.  Through a joint effort including a heartbroken auntie, Santa came through. Evelyn couldn't have been more thrilled. But we were so heartbroken. It's so sad to know that she gets it. At 5 years old she understands more than she should. It breaks my heart and makes me miss these beautiful ladies even more. Evelyn has glowing stars on her ceiling and one night caught me completely off guard "mommy, you see that star there? The one by the little ones there? I'm going to name it Grandma Gail because it shines so bright."  Instant tears fell.  She is so sweet and absolutely wise beyond her years.

I don't want my kids to experience loss, sadness and heartache. Especially at such a young age. But it's a part of life and they handle it with grace.

Gabriel's birthday this year was a bit tough. He would have been 4 years old.  I had a tough time holding it together throughout the day as my mind wondered to sights of him, the way he smelled and felt to the touch. We told Evelyn that it was Gabriel's birthday and that we would go to the cemetery to put up his tree and celebrate his life.  I don't think she quite understood what that meant.  She was excited all day, dancing around the house saying "It's Gabriel's birthday!"   We dug out his Christmas tree and went out to adorn the cemetery with holiday cheer.  Although it helps brighten that day for me, it's still so sad.  The cemetery looked beautiful with his bright white tree shining for all the babies that rest there.  Evelyn was disappointed. Although I bought cupcakes to have after setting up his tree, she was upset that there wasn't more to it.

Christmas day was tough. I wasn't feeling jolly, happy or in the spirit.  When Evelyn opened her photo from Santa she was so excited. She exclaimed "A photo of Grandma! It's what I wanted! For my room!"   Daddy lost it. His heart hurt and was broken still.  My heart hurt but I held it together so D could have the moment he so desperately needed. Holidays are so hard with so much loss in the air.

This Christmas day was different however.  Over the summer, my sister in law became pregnant with triplets. Sadly she lost 2 of the babies at around 16 weeks. She continued on with the 3rd baby and her due date was set for Christmas day.  The pregnancy was emotionally tough, you could see it on her face.  In the afternoon hours on Christmas day, She went into labor.  She had asked me to attend the labor and delivery previously.  Little did I know she would go into labor on Christmas.  It was a quick 3 hour labor and she was surprised with a little Christmas baby boy!  Helping this little guy into the world on a day that was so tough to get through, really brought some happiness and peace to the season.  My family needed that positivity this year.

For now we are living in the moment. I cherish the sadness, tears and hurt as a symbol of how much these wonderful people have meant to me.   It's not easy to grieve, to hurt so much.  We are looking into 2016 with a positive outlook and hoping for great things this upcoming year.

Welcome to Holland

I'm going to jump to the point of this post and do a more personal update later.

People often ask me and praise me for how strong I was during our journey. They often ask how I stayed as strong as I was, the truth is I wasn't always that way. I definitely had moments of deep desperate despair.  When I read this essay my view changed though.  I went from feeling lost and hopeless, to seeing the brighter side of things, at least as bright as it could get given our situation. I began enjoying Gabriel's presence and cherishing the time we had. Here's how it came to me -

While navigating our lives after Gabriel's diagnosis a local woman got in touch with me. She was traveling a very similar journey and with very similar timing.  She shared an essay with me called "Welcome to Holland".  This was a turning point for me and I'm SO glad she shared it with me.  She uses this a lot when talking about her own journey though loss and every time she posts it, shares it or talks about it,  I smile.  I'm grateful of the positive reminder.  It was a very uplifting for me and changed the direction of my path dramatically.  I hope that this is something that will help others - so I'm passing it along to you.  I believe it was written for parents of children who have special needs, but it fits VERY well into any seemingly devastating situation that doesn't go as planned. So I know sharing this will help more than one type of person.

I don't take credit of the beautiful display. I found it on google and loved it. 

Travesty Fraud and Devastation

I feel like I need to respond to a situation that has occurred. If not to the person who did this, than for myself and those who know me as well as past and future readers.  I feel the need to acknowledge the situation and make it known - If we haven't already been to hell and back, someone has opted to make the trip significantly longer for us.

At some point a woman from southern Tennessee (we'll call her Amy for privacy sake) stole photos from my blog and fabricated her own pregnancy. She could have revealed her miscarraige at any point but instead, she pretended her way through an entire 9 months and on February 3rd, Amy's daughter was born and died 36 minutes later (the same amount of minutes Gabriel survived).  She posted a photo of Gabriel and used it as her Facebook cover photo claiming it to be of her new daughter who passed away from kidney failure. Later she would go on Facebook with her story and receive donations from warm and loving strangers who felt a sense of heartache and desired to help her. They gave selflessly and generously.

At some point, a couple caught on to her scheme when they saw Amy's cover photo in a Google search that led them to my blog.  This wonderful couple collected all the information they could before everyone found out and chaos ensued. How blessed am I that this loving couple had thought to gather all the documents and proof silently before everyone else revealed Amy for who she is. The wife contacted the local authorities with all the proof, she knew who this person was that was doing this. After meeting with their local authorities she contacted me via email.

Her words were loving, sympathetic and heartfelt. A gentle voice to share heartbreaking news.  I read the email multiple times over, grateful she had already taken the steps to alert the proper people before dropping this 10,000lb bomb on me.  Immediate action wasn't necessary. Amy had already been called out on her fraud and the authorities were already alerted to the situation.  I was able to process all the emotions that went through me as each word repeated over and over.  

I feel eternally grateful for the wonderful woman who felt the need to contact me, and also took hours out of her life to protect me.  I'm grateful to her wonderful husband for assisting and supporting her.  I feel hurt that Gabriel was so disrespected in such a fraudulent way.  I feel angry that someone would do this. I'm flattered that she thought my baby was so beautiful she wanted to claim him as her own (I mean lets face it - he was stunning and if he wasnt already mine, I'd want to claim him too). I'm pleased knowing that with my blog posted all over their local Facebook pages, someone somewhere would have seen it that will benefit from it. I'm also pleased that this woman will get what she deserves and all the loving people who so generously gave their money to her will get their justice, whether that's legally or karmatic.  

I'm also utterly disappointed in some people that make up the human race.  I always knew there was risk in posting photos online and publicly.  People steal photos all the time and use them for many reasons. I had thoughts of watermarking all my photos, but a) by the time I thought of it there were way too many to go back to and b) my experience in the photography industry has taught me that watermarking your photos doesn't actually protect you, at least not entirely.   Despite knowing the risk, I felt it was more important that the families who came to my blog with a similar fatal diagnosis would see that these babies do look fairly normal. I remember fearing that Gabriel would look different or deformed.  I posted the photos to ease other parents hearts and minds, and through feedback I know families it has helped. I had however hoped that if images were to be stolen, they would be of my living healthy children. I had hoped that people would have enough respect for the dead that they would leave his alone.  

Amy has made a mockery of all the families that experience infant loss. She's made a mockery of the greiving journey so many of us heartbreakingly walk. She's disrespected every family that has REALLY experienced this heartache.  

I had thoughts of removing my blog or all the photos within it, but I won't. My blog has well over 100,000 views. My blog has helped dozens of families who have since contacted me.  My blog is here for a reason and I can't fathom removing it from future parents who may need it, or that person who hadn't lost a child but now understands. Everyone has taken something with them as they walk away, and that is much more important to me than some unstable woman possibly stealing my images. 

I had faith that people would have enough respect to leave these precious and personal images alone, but alas I hoped wrong again. 

I am an emotional victim in this situation, but the real victims in this story are the loving people who donated generously to her. Another victim is her husband, who seemingly had no idea of her deceit and thought his baby girl had died.

Her side of the story is heartbreaking as well. She says she had miscarried early in her pregnancy but didn't have the courage to tell everyone. She went on with her pregnancy as if nothing was wrong, even had a baby shower. She got so wrapped up in her own web of lies that come her due date, she needed a way out. She seemingly chose Potter's Syndrome at random and through Google found images to use. She claims she never received anything and and the things she did receive were returned to the sender. I have no way of knowing the truth, although I have seen and hold in my hands her posts to Facebook. It sickens me to read her journey and the way she deceived everyone she came in contact with causing them to believe her misleading stories.

At this point the police are aware of the situation, but unless someone comes forward with fraud charges or proof that they sent Amy anything of monitary value, their hands are tied. It's sad that people including her get away with similar acts of fraud and never get charged with any crimes. 

My heartaches, I'm heart broken and have been disrespected in the worst way. I hope nobody ever has to feel the pain I feel because of this woman.

My message to her: Believe me when I tell you that Gabriel's story is not one that you wish were yours. Having precious photos as your only way of remembering what your child looked like is not pleasant. Having to say, good-bye sucks.  This is not a journey you wish to travel or want as part of your life. Burying your child is pure hell and no person should HAVE to endure this kind of pain, and no person should WANT to. The attention a parent receives after their child is ripped from their arms is not the kind of attention you want, it's the kind of attention that is uncomfortable and akward, its filled with pain, tears and gut wrentching apologies. I'm sorry for the loss you've experienced, I have also experienced a miscarriage and remember that pain all to well. I will never make excuses for what you have done, but I can have a certain amount of understanding for mental instability. I hope you find the help that you so clearly need to seek. I'll be praying for you.

The photo is found here: http://mnmom4life.blogspot.com/p/potters-syndrome-bilateral-renal.html

Molly Bears

I've waited a long time for this post, yet it's taken me a week to have time to write it!  I spent 2 1/2 years trying to get on the list for Molly Bears.  Molly Bears is an organization that has volunteers that make bears with weight in them so that they weigh the same amount as an angel baby that has passed.   They only have their list open once day per month and they only accept 200 new purchases.  As you can imagine the timing is curtail when trying to get on the list, and time and time again I was too late.

The bears only cost $20 which is amazing because the average bear is $40 to make and ship.  They run on donations - both monitary and supplies.   I'm grateful for the wonderful people who make this happen.

I finally got my bear on the list in August.  Along with it came the warning that the wait for your bear is sometimes 9 months.  That's ok, I would wait.

In January I received an email that my bear was being made!  I was shocked that it was so quick and soon my bear would be in my arms!

A few weeks later I received the email that my bear was on its way! In a few short days I opened my box to find a package from Molly Bears.  It sat next to me in the car for about 45 minutes before I finally drove home to open it.  The anticipation was killing me but I wasn't ready to open it right away.

Each  Molly Bear looks completely different in design, style and everything.  They are personal to you and that makes it special.  I had put in a request for a bow tie but I had no idea what my bear would look like.

He's beautiful.  The minute I picked him up out of the box there was a sense of peace that came over me.

4lbs 8oz. Who knew it could feel so heavy.

Something in the Water

The other day I was driving down the highway on my way  home when a song came on the radio - Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood.  The lyrics talk about being stronger as she walks through a tough journey in her life . I hadn't really been listening  through the song because as I'm driving my mind wonders into 100 different directions.  Then at the end of the song she starts singing Amazing Grace, and that caught my attention. Suddenly I started thinking about funerals, because you know that's probably the most popular funeral song played.

Of course that got me thinking about Gabriel's funeral even though we didn't sing or play Amazing Grace. I started remembering the moment I lost it.

I had stayed composed as his daddy and I carried his "cradle" to his final resting place. I had kept it together as the pastor began talking about the after life and salvation.  It wasn't until everyone started reciting The Lord's Prayer that the tears started flowing. I couldn't speak . My voice disappeared and my strength went with it. Standing there surrounded by so many people who love and support us, yet I felt so weak and helpless.

The remainder of my drive was spent in tears all because of a song that was supposed to make a person feel stronger and empowered

I write this post so that you can understand what it's like for a moment in the mind of a loss parent. It's the simplest things that will throw vivid memories of him back in the forefront of my mind once again. Sometimes it's a random bird, flower, or billboard. Sometimes it's a specific location I drive by or a person I saw online.

A small thing - like a song - can put a wrench in an entire day and suddenly my mood is different, my vibe has changed, and the way I carry myself has completely turned around.

I think about him every day, but some days the universe sends me a solid reminder and usually it sticks with me for quite awhile.

Proud

On Gabriel's birthday I had put a status on my Facebook profile, like I always do.  Something acknowledging Gabriel's day.  Of course the loving and supportive comments come flowing shortly after, it's always easier to get through a tough day when you have constant reminders sporadically placed throughout the day that let you know people love you and are thinking of you.

There was one specific comment that really got me thinking.  It was late afternoon when I saw this specific comment, it read "your mommy and daddy are so proud of you...." with some other sentimental words following it.  This simple comment got me thinking in a way I haven't thought in a long time. In fact, I've thought about this one comment for days.  I started pondering exactly why this comment touched me and  it's meaning, I quickly realized that although I hadn't thought of it that way, it's truth. 

 

I AM proud of him.  I'm proud of everything he accomplished in his short life, both inside and outside his womb.  I'm proud of all the lives he's touched, all the people's hearts that have wept for him and celebrated him.  I'm proud of all the lessons he's brought into people's lives all around the world.  He only lived a short life, extremely short, but he made huge waves.  

 

I'm proud of who he's made me. I'm a completely different person than I was before I met him.  I tend to be more sad, emotional, and on edge but  I also tend to be more understanding of strangers untold stories and struggles.  I have grown to look in people's eyes and heart instead of focusing on what anger or upset is streaming from their face.  I strive to want to give and have found myself completely surrounded in this "loss community", a place where I feel comfortable, confident and understood. Nobody wishes to be a member, but when you are forced into it, it's a wonderful community to be in.

 

I always show his photos to everyone and anyone who is willing to see them, I show him off with pride the same way I show off my other kids.  I never thought about it this way before, but yes I am proud.  I'm happy to have him a part of my life's journey, even if it's a sad chapter and sometimes tears me down, he's made me who I am today.  I may not have gotten to raise him into a child and a man, but he' s certainly raised me  from who I was 3 years ago to who I am now. 

During the 5 days I've pondered this comment, I saw a beautiful poem online.  I can't find or even quote this poem right now, but the poem really solidified what I've been thinking. Something in these thoughts has changed my thought process.  I will no longer hesitate when people ask the dreaded question "How many children do you have?" because my answer is firm. 

 

"I am the proud momma of 4 beautiful babies, 3 that can run and 1 that can fly."

 

I'm so proud of you little man. Thank you for all you continue to do.

His birthday is rapidly approaching

It's been awhile since I've updated. Life has been pretty busy with various illnesses, school, work and other regular life activities.  Halloween has passed, Thanksgiving has passed, and now December is upon us.  This is a time of year that is especially rough for us.  With Gabriel's birthday to start the month, then Christmas which is always a tough time - remembering that we don't get to celebrate with him, and then the new year (which lets face it, can be a bit scary), it can be rough.

Gabriel's birthday is in 1 week. He'd be 3 years old now. It's unbelievable that it's been nearly 3 years since I held our first son. It's been nearly 3 years since I stared at his perfect little face.  I can't believe how fast the 3 years has gone by, but I guess in a growing family time goes quickly. So much has changed.  Our lives have been in a whirlwind, but soon I hope it will slow down so we can enjoy life a little more. I just feel like things are constantly changing, constantly happening and the world keeps spinning faster and faster.  Eventually it starts to feel a bit out of control.  In those moments I know I can go to the cemetery and be near Gabriel, where the world is quiet once more and everything seems to stand still - only for a moment in time.

Just in time for Gabriel's 3rd birthday, I've decided to volunteer my time with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  They are the organization filled with volunteer photographers who go out to take photos for families who have lost a child. They are the organization that connected me with a photographer who captured every second of Gabriel's short life and many moments after.  Surprisingly to start out, I will not be taking photos.  I will be volunteering my time in the community, recruiting, connecting families with photographers and making sure hospitals have all the tools they need to offer this service to families.  After I've worked on my low light photography skills I will eventually move into being a photographer for them, just not yet.  I hope to be in that place before Gabriel's 4th birthday. Tomorrow I will meet with the recruiter to get everything set up and going.  It's taken 3 years to get to  a place where I can finally give back.  It isn't easy knowing the field I'll be volunteering in and the situations I may face. In my heart though, I know it's what I need to do. I have wanted to help for so long, and now I'm finally able to.  And eventually, I'll be able to use my photography skills to benefit these families even more.

Evelyn is growing up so fast, I can't blink these days or I might miss something.  She mentions Gabriel sometimes. Most recently we were all hanging out on the couch and Evelyn was scared.  Derrick explained that she has angels watching over her and she doesn't need to be scared, Evelyn's response, ever so innocently was "Like Gabriel?".  Yup like Gabriel *cue tears*.  I nearly lost it whens she said it.  It was an emotional time, her realizing that Gabriel is an angel and lives with Jesus, and she's starting to understand what that means.  It's always interesting to me to hear her speak of him and the way she understands him. It'll be more interesting to hear how the boys view him, as Evelyn and the boys have very different relationships with him.

This time of year, Gabriel is always on my mind.  I never forget him and I know he is with me all the time.  Thinking of him and who he would be consumes my heart and mind, I will never stop thinking of him and loving him.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day... Again.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day hits us once again.  I had planned to do a walk again this year, but opted not too. I didn't know why, I just didn't feel like it. Later I would discover why. 

At some point in the morning I heard that the Lowry Bridge in Minneapolis was getting lit up pink and blue for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Of course I knew I had to go and of course take photos. Clearly this was the reason I wasn't supposed to go to the walk this year. 

We participated in the Wave of Light movement again, this year instead of lighting a candle at our house, we opted to light one at the cemetery. We did that before I headed out to the bridge to take photos.  I was feeling strong all day, I've been pretty good all month, until we lit his candle.  Suddenly he tugged at my heart strings again. 

The 15th also means I'm 1/2 way through a photo challenge I am doing called "capture your grief".   It's a carlymarie project and I am loving it.  I'll post all the photos on the 31st and I also plan to make it into a photo book I can keep around the house.  It's been very therapeutic for me to do this month.  It's also been catching a lot of attention from my FB friends who are seeing our journey instead of just reading it.

Grieving and Healing

Updates to what's going on in our lives lately.

A week and a half ago I received a text message that I hoped I'd never receive.  A friend, nearly 20 weeks pregnant, lost her baby.  I was heartbroken.  Grateful that she thought to text me right away, happy to help her through the process, but still heartbroken.  Nobody should ever have to live the horrible reality that is losing a child.  She's a strong one, she's taking the journey step by step.  I'm glad she's turned to me for help as it's part of my healing process too.

This last weekend we went back to Faith's Lodge with Nickolas' Gift support group.  It was amazing to be back and focusing on Gabriel again.  When we arrived, the first thing we did was look for our rock that we painted last year.  We remembered exactly where we placed it, but sadly couldn't find it.

The next morning a friend and I returned to Sophia's Bridge and thankfully found Gabriel's rock, buried under brush and soot.  I had to find it, it was breaking my heart to think it had disappeared.  A part of me wanted to grab it and bring it home so it wouldn't get lost again, but in the end I knew it should stay where it belongs - along side hundreds of other angel's heart rocks.

We did a lot of arts and crafts in memory of Gabriel: wood burning, birdhouse, magnets, pumpkins and more.  It's so healing to be able to say and write his name over and over around people who "get it". People who will never think twice about it.  Leaving is always hard, it's a place I could stay forever.    I'll post some photos I took while I was there at the end of this post.

Molly Bears is a site where you can order a teddy bear that weighs as much as your baby weighed at birth, it's geared specifically for parents who have lost a baby under 12 months old.  They are a non-profit and very overwhelmed by the number of requests they receive so they only open their waiting list for 1 day and up to 200 bears each month. I've tried for months and months to get on the list but I always get on too late, after the 200 bears limit is reached. But not this month, this month I saw it right away and got my order in!  It's a long wait for a bear, 6-9 months I believe.  I'm just grateful to have finally got my request in!

http://www.mollybears.com


Here's some photos from our weekend away :)

Good things do happen.

I write this as I sob, uncontrollably but passionately. Happy tears, happier tears than I've felt in a long time. 

Last night I went to group. I had missed a session or two (I lose track of days easily these days) so I had much to talk about. Losing Gabriel's hair, the anniversary dates, and other things. Hard things.  I mentioned that I hadn't come to terms with knowing his hair is gone. I sort of pushed it under the rug to deal with on a day that I was in a better place to deal. 

After all this time I really thought it was long gone... But alas I FOUND GABRIEL'S HAIR TODAY!!! I had to do a double and a triple take, but it was real!  I couldn't believe it! 

I instantly cried, hard. I sat there sobbing on my bedroom floor. Pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I gently sniffed it, it still harbors his scent (or maybe it's just that engrained in my memory bank).  It's still here, the last physical piece of him is still mine!

And of course, it's in my immediate plan to find a much safer way to store this!

Anniversary realizations

A few weeks ago I downloaded the TimeHop app. It goes back in time each day to your Facebook and shows you what statuses you posted that day in years past. 

Today was an exciting one as I read through statuses that all lead back to the wedding, today was our 1 year anniversary. 

TimeHop Abe showed me something interesting I never realized before. 3 years ago today we found out there was something wrong with our baby. Unknowingly we selected this day as our wedding anniversary because 11 years ago today marks the day we first met. I never realized that this day was so intimately connected to Gabriel as well. 

At first I was kind of saddened by that news. But a friend told me this: it's as if Gabriel wanted this day to be a happy one instead of a sad one. 

Then my sadness turned. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss/Infertility Awareness Wraps

As I've mentioned before, I began a new chapter in my life as a Jamberry Consultant.  I loved their nail wraps the moment I put them on my nails and knew at that moment I was hooked.

Recently I created a custom wrap design in their Nail Art Studio to support Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Infertility Awareness.  100% of my commission will be donated to Prenatal Partners for Life and Nickolas' Gift.  Two amazing and wonderful organizations.  Both offer support and care packages to families experiencing the loss of their child.  Prenatal Partners for Life is the organization that not only sent me care packages before and after Gabriel was born, but also paid for his headstone at the cemetery.  Nickolas' Gift has provided unmatched love and support in the grieving process.

Here is the nail design

I am doing it as a bulk order,  I will be placing the order so that nobody has to pay shipping on them, no later than August 20th.

If you don't know what Jamberry Nail Wraps are, I'm including some brief information below. If you have any questions or are interested in getting some wraps to help support a great cause, send me an email to samakasrc@gmail.com and I'd be happy to help you.  The more money we can donate the better!

My reality

There are certain things about my reality, that nobody should ever have to deal with. In a few short weeks, Miss E will be starting preschool. While this is bitter sweet for me, she's extremely excited. 

Over the course of the last few weeks, we've received countless letters from the school. Some about the schedule, more money they need, school supplies and orientation invitations. Today we received a letter from her teachers, it was really sweet and on the back showed photos of them and some things about them. Evelyn was excited to see the face of her teacher. Finally a name and face: Mrs Sandy. 

Along with this letter was a "student star!" Form. Apparently these forms (with a photo attached) will be put into a book. Each week a student gets to take the book home to learn about their fellow classmates. 

It's all basic information: name, birthday, age, likes, etc. But there's always one thing...

 "I have _____ people in my family, their names are _____."

Of course my instant thought was "do I include Gabriel or not?" This is a common problem I face everyday as I meet people, I have figured out the answer - if I will see them again, I include him. If I won't see them again, then I don't. 

By that rule, since I'll see them all again, I should include him. Besides, it's a chance for her teachers and other parents to know about him and that we include him in our family. Next to his name I would include "... (He lives with Jesus)" since it's a religious school.

 On the other hand, this is going to 4 year olds. They will probably be confused and bring up uncomfortable questions to their parents, who would then be struggling to find a way to explain death to their innocent little kids.  

So what do I do? And why on earth was I dealt the hand that has to deal with things like this? I spent countless hours today pondering which way to go. 

I don't know what I'll do yet. I've left the line blank and will likely talk to her teachers about it at orientation. I can't decide, and a part of me is hoping they'll decide for me. Although I'm a little scared of what they may say. I find often times people don't think before they speak.  Hopefully they'll be kind and let me down gently, because in my heart I really want to include his name.