Proud

On Gabriel's birthday I had put a status on my Facebook profile, like I always do.  Something acknowledging Gabriel's day.  Of course the loving and supportive comments come flowing shortly after, it's always easier to get through a tough day when you have constant reminders sporadically placed throughout the day that let you know people love you and are thinking of you.

There was one specific comment that really got me thinking.  It was late afternoon when I saw this specific comment, it read "your mommy and daddy are so proud of you...." with some other sentimental words following it.  This simple comment got me thinking in a way I haven't thought in a long time. In fact, I've thought about this one comment for days.  I started pondering exactly why this comment touched me and  it's meaning, I quickly realized that although I hadn't thought of it that way, it's truth. 

 

I AM proud of him.  I'm proud of everything he accomplished in his short life, both inside and outside his womb.  I'm proud of all the lives he's touched, all the people's hearts that have wept for him and celebrated him.  I'm proud of all the lessons he's brought into people's lives all around the world.  He only lived a short life, extremely short, but he made huge waves.  

 

I'm proud of who he's made me. I'm a completely different person than I was before I met him.  I tend to be more sad, emotional, and on edge but  I also tend to be more understanding of strangers untold stories and struggles.  I have grown to look in people's eyes and heart instead of focusing on what anger or upset is streaming from their face.  I strive to want to give and have found myself completely surrounded in this "loss community", a place where I feel comfortable, confident and understood. Nobody wishes to be a member, but when you are forced into it, it's a wonderful community to be in.

 

I always show his photos to everyone and anyone who is willing to see them, I show him off with pride the same way I show off my other kids.  I never thought about it this way before, but yes I am proud.  I'm happy to have him a part of my life's journey, even if it's a sad chapter and sometimes tears me down, he's made me who I am today.  I may not have gotten to raise him into a child and a man, but he' s certainly raised me  from who I was 3 years ago to who I am now. 

During the 5 days I've pondered this comment, I saw a beautiful poem online.  I can't find or even quote this poem right now, but the poem really solidified what I've been thinking. Something in these thoughts has changed my thought process.  I will no longer hesitate when people ask the dreaded question "How many children do you have?" because my answer is firm. 

 

"I am the proud momma of 4 beautiful babies, 3 that can run and 1 that can fly."

 

I'm so proud of you little man. Thank you for all you continue to do.