The other day I was driving down the highway on my way home when a song came on the radio - Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood. The lyrics talk about being stronger as she walks through a tough journey in her life . I hadn't really been listening through the song because as I'm driving my mind wonders into 100 different directions. Then at the end of the song she starts singing Amazing Grace, and that caught my attention. Suddenly I started thinking about funerals, because you know that's probably the most popular funeral song played.
Of course that got me thinking about Gabriel's funeral even though we didn't sing or play Amazing Grace. I started remembering the moment I lost it.
I had stayed composed as his daddy and I carried his "cradle" to his final resting place. I had kept it together as the pastor began talking about the after life and salvation. It wasn't until everyone started reciting The Lord's Prayer that the tears started flowing. I couldn't speak . My voice disappeared and my strength went with it. Standing there surrounded by so many people who love and support us, yet I felt so weak and helpless.
The remainder of my drive was spent in tears all because of a song that was supposed to make a person feel stronger and empowered
I write this post so that you can understand what it's like for a moment in the mind of a loss parent. It's the simplest things that will throw vivid memories of him back in the forefront of my mind once again. Sometimes it's a random bird, flower, or billboard. Sometimes it's a specific location I drive by or a person I saw online.
A small thing - like a song - can put a wrench in an entire day and suddenly my mood is different, my vibe has changed, and the way I carry myself has completely turned around.
I think about him every day, but some days the universe sends me a solid reminder and usually it sticks with me for quite awhile.