Confusion

I'm always in a state of confusion.  I definitely don't feel like I'm finished having babies. We have 3 beautiful kids, but I'm not convinced that I'll never be pregnant again.  I'm not convinced I'll never hold my newborn or breastfeed again.  However, my husband is DONE. He's sure he's done, and is adamant about it.

4 months ago, my very close friends had their little baby.  6 weeks ago my brother had my new nephew.  Last week my best friend came over saying she wants to settle down and have a baby/family.  My sister is working towards adopting. A couple of our other friends have recently been talking about adopting and now, we got a call that our 2 other friends are pregnant with their first baby.  That means literally ALL of the people I am close to are expanding their families.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll never feel complete. Gabriel isn't here so I'm really not complete.  Doesn't mean I will or want anymore kids, just means my heart isn't whole.  After talking to some people I've come to realize that it will likely always feel that way, I will always feel like something is missing, unfortunately having another baby won't fill that hole, it won't suddenly make me feel complete.  

So now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy, infants and adoptions and have no plans of having more babies of my own anytime soon if ever, I'm going to sit here and wallow in the sadness that I feel for a bit and then I'm going to enjoy every moment that nears us closer to the freedom that comes with kids growing up.  I'm going to focus on my new workout regimen and get myself happy and healthy.

I'm grateful for what I have, I just never envisioned struggling so hard 4 years later with each pregnancy announcement that comes by.  Maybe someday it'll be easier.