I feel like I've been doing well. I've been fairly happy most of the time, although Gabriel's memory lingers with me everywhere I go, its not always with sadness that I remember him now. Until today that is, today I feel like I've hit a brick wall. My emotions are running on HIGH.
We stopped out at the cemetary to visit with Gabriel. Its been a couple weeks since I've been out to visit, not because I don't want to of course and not because its painful. I just haven't felt the need, I feel like Gabriel is always with me so visiting the cemetary is strictly to be close to him physically.
Today we took out a few more pinwheels for Memorial Day. Maybe it was just an excuse to go there, I'm not really sure. I got Evelyn out of the car and she knew right where to go, she walked right up to his stone and said "hi"... I almost broke down right then and there. We took a moment and cleaned off his stone because it was a bit dirty, and rearranged his many decorations people have left in his honor so that we could fit 3 more small pinwheels next to his stone.
As we walked away, Evelyn turned around and waved good-bye... I held it together till I got in the car and started to drive away. I got sad and angry. It breaks my heart that she's beginning to understand, that this is becoming so normal that she says "Hi" and waves. This was not supposed to be part of our lives, this was not in my plans for how life would be. I never pictured myself visiting my son at a cemetary. Evelyn was never supposed to have a sibling in the ground or be spending parts of her childhood visiting her brother's resting place. I shouldn't be working up to teaching her the things her brother taught us about love and life... and death. Not now, not so young. It breaks my heart to think she'll never know or play with her brother, she'll visit him at the cemetary and be with him there and thats it.
I miss my little man so much today. If only I could hold him and hug him and kiss him one more time....