Getting through it.

Things are going well for us it seems.

We live each day feeling as though a piece of us is missing. We're learning to cope with that better these days. That feeling of loss isn't constantly lingering above our heads - now its more of a subtle thought that constantly lingers in the back of our minds.

Its hard to believe that 1 year ago I was excitedly expecting another offspring. I was planning out our third bedroom for another being to claim. I was starting to tell our immediate family and friends and everything was going smoothly. Its crazy to think that I had no idea that something was wrong.

These days we pretty much go about our business as we usually did before everything happened. Its a rare occasion that we share Gabriel's story with strangers now, seems like most people know.  But he still comes up in everyday conversation with our friends and family. I enjoy being able to talk about him and think about him.

It does help that since we recently got engaged, I've been busy and distracted with wedding planning. I'm so excited for it! Its been a seriously long time coming and I am thoroughly enjoying the planning process.  However, one of the very first things I did was order a memorial candle for Gabriel. It was sad to think that we had to do that - order a memorial candle for our son, who SHOULD be there on our wedding day, instead of being memorialized with a candle...  But the candle was something I had to do. It was something I had to have. I was heart broken when the first one shipped and came with a small dent and the wording reversed...  With this I had to be picky. I emailed the company and they completely understood that I needed this one to be right. So they sent me a new one with the problems fixed and in perfect condition. They let me keep the other one, so I'll probably have one for the ceremony and one for the reception. The first one wasn't terrible - it just wasn't right, it wasn't perfect like I needed it to be.

The other day my heart broke - we were out somewhere as a family and Derrick looked over at a boy and his dad.  I don't remember what they or we were doing exactly, but I remember Derrick simply said "Father and Son....."  And that was it. Its not too often Derrick will verbally say when something bothers him.