Saturday, May 5, 2012

1 year ago today...

1 year ago today, I woke up and realized I should probably take a test - this particular test I was pretty nervous about. I woke up in a panic after having a very vivid dream that I was pregnant. I immediately went into my medicine cabinet and pulled out my spare tests... A test that would change my life forever.

After getting a positive result, I panicked. I wasn't ready for another baby, not with Evelyn only being 9 months old. I was angry that my birth control had failed me. Upset that my life wasn't going according to my plans - once again.  I was afraid of having 2 under 2 and how I would handle it. I felt so selfish for feeling so angry and upset about being pregnant. I was disappointed because my birthday was the next day and I had plans- a celebration that obviously wouldn't go according to plan (wow was I ever selfish).  I was terrified that I might miscarry again (despite my feelings - I did want this baby from the very moment I knew it existed.).  I was harboring excitement and was thrilled about being pregnant and bringing another life into this world, but the fear and anxiety hid any happiness I was feeling.

I quickly estimated that I was about 6 weeks along...

I didn't realize that day, how lucky I was to be pregnant. I didn't realize how dramatically my life would change, I was completely unprepared for what was to come in the near future. When I went in for my first appointment a few days later, my doctor asked if I was ready for this... My response:  "No, but I will be.".

I feel terrible for having the feelings I did. It didn't last long, I was being naive, before we got our diagnosis I never truly realized how fragile pregnancy actually is, I never realized how much of a miracle and blessing it is to get pregnant in the first place.  Some people would probably have a fit about how ungrateful I was. I know I was, I think about it all the time, some days I beat myself up over it - even when nobody has said anything about it. In fact, I'm surprised somebody didn't say something to me before about how selfish I was being, I'm grateful they didn't because I learned better a few months later at our 20 week ultrasound.

Sometimes, I wonder if my negativity about being pregnant caused this to happen to Gabriel. I wonder if I had been more excited, maybe things would have been different. Sometimes I toy with the opposite idea, at 5 weeks his kidneys should have started to develop, was I that upset because deep down I knew something wasn't right? Was that my minds way of preventing me from getting too attached?

Well guess what Mind, it didn't work. I WAS attached, VERY attached. I wanted this baby more than anything.

So, while I should be excited to go out for my birthday tonight, I'm struggling to stay positive. I'm going to be surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but am wondering how on earth I'm going to keep the memories of this day on the back burner so I can have a good night tonight.

And I wonder, will every birthday be tarnished with the memory that the day before we found out Gabriel was on his way?  Will the memory of my 25th birthday -  telling my friends I wasn't drinking because I was pregnant - haunt every birthday to come?


  1. Awww...hope you know that it wasn't negativity that caused Gabriel's situation. It just happened. What mom wouldn't be initially scared to have 2 under 2? You were the perfect mommy for Gabriel and I know he can't wait to see you again. I know he's proud of how brave you are. Hope you are able to have a good time tonight on your birthday...and I raise a glass to you! :)

  2. Praying that someday soon you can celebrate your son, and not be haunted by the what ifs. As parents we are growing into who we need to be, just like you did for your son. You rose to the challenge. You are a beautiful human mom. You did your best with what you had at every stage of his life, and no one, not God, not your son, no one could ask more of you. I am so proud of you for facing everything and continuing to walk through the pain. You are a gift and blessing, even if it is hard to see yourself that way at times. Celebrate that you made it through this last yeat, that you lived and loved as fully as you were able, you honored your son in everything