6 months...

Dear Gabriel,

I can't believe 6 months has passed already.  It feels like just yesterday we were holding you in our arms.  In 6 short months so much has changed; the weather, who we are,  your sister, our love and our outlook on life. In those 6 months you've touched more people's hearts than we ever thought possible or expected, you made more of an impact in your short time than many people make in their lifetime.

I miss you so much, my heart aches for you.  I wish you were here to celebrate our engagement. I wish you were here to love and snuggle with.  I wish you could be here for our wedding day. I wish you could see the beautiful flowers and trees, feel the cool grass tickle your toes and feel the warm breeze on your face. Summer is here, I hate that your not.

I'll  never know what you would have looked like now or what you'd be doing. I know from other mom's that you'd be rolling, sitting, trying new foods and maybe be trying to crawl. I know you'd be smiling and crying and cooing and exploring the world all around you.  You'd have gotten so big by now I probably wouldn't even recognize you.

Sometimes, I just know you're near me. I feel you, I sense you.  I feel comforted and warm when I know your around,  I feel happy and sing to you.  I talk to you constantly and hope and pray that your hearing my message. It doesn't even feel wierd anymore to be talking to thin air.

I'm grateful that you'll never know a world of hurt, pain, war, and hate. But I wish that you would have known the world of love, faith, hope and happiness. 

I look back on our pregnancy and remember all the things we did together, I remember all the things I told you during our talks and what it felt like to have your head pressing out my side.  I remember dreading your birthday and hoping we'd have forever instead of the limited time we weren't sure we'd be granted.  I look back on your birthday and remember what it was like to be in labor with you, what it was like to know that I was going through all of this for a few short minutes with you. I remember what it was like to hold you, to kiss you, to whisper sweet little things into your ear. I remember what it felt like to hear that you were gone. I remember holding your tiny body that day, bawling,  believing that nobody should have to say goodbye so soon. I remember wiping my tears off your tiny little face.  I remember what it felt like to leave the hospital that day, empty handed and heartbroken while you laid silently in the room  - just left alone. Then, to come home to a quiet house and a little girl that didn't understand what was going on and why we were so sad.

But I'm thankful for each and every one of these memories. I wouldn't  take it back or change any of it. Although many days I wish I could just to have you here with us. But the things you taught us and changed for us wouldn't be the way they are today.  You taught us what it meant to truly love someone, to give everything you've got for one being - no matter how small. You taught us what it meant to have hope, to have faith, and how to greive.  You taught us that sometimes, your life doesn't go the way you want them to - but there are blessings behind every curse. You taught us about eachother... our friends... our families....

As I remember you, these last few days that lead up to your 6 month milestone, I remember many other babies too.  I think about the other loss moms that you've brought into my life and their little ones that are there with you.  Steven and Thomas, Weston, Caden, Eliana and Raphael are a few. I sure hope you've all made friends just like we have here. A sad but special bond we all share, that you all share too.

Happy 6 months little man.  We miss you so much, we love you more than you could ever know.