Thursday, March 1, 2012

Visiting Gabriel

At first, I would go out to the cemetary every day, after about a month I'd go out every few days, now I go to see Gabriel about once a week. I'm satisfied with that, I don't feel like I'm dwelling on our loss, I feel like I'm making strong progress in othe greiving process.  I enjoy going out and visiting him, I take him little presents, relight the candles my mom has left for him, and have a chance to tell him how much I love and miss him.  I realize his spirit isn't there, but the only physical part of him is there. Its comforting to me to be near him, its a reminder of how much he's taught me and how much he's forced me to grow as a  human being.  Usually, Evelyn stays in the car (its been kinda cold and windy and I don't like to drag her out in it).  I went there the  other day, for the first time I felt strong and confident instead of weak and emotional.  I brought some new decorations and Evelyn brought a red pinwheel for her brother. 

Strangely enough, it felt as though she understood.  She just walked up and looked at the ground, she was quiet, well behaved and seemed to understand that this is a sad place, a place to be quiet.  I don't think she actually understands, she was  probably just following my lead and feeling what I was feeling...

I stood there and talked to Gabriel, told him everything I normally tell him and told him that his sister was here to see him.  His bell went crazy!  It was dinging for about 30 seconds and there was barely a breeze!  Evelyn looked at the bell, smiled, looked at me and gave me the pinwheel. 

A friend from Derrick's work visited Gabriel the other day, and Andrea (Derrick's sister) a visited him yesterday.  Its s nice to know that people still stop out there and are still visiting him..  Andrea said that when she was there, his angel ornament was shiny and bright and bare - despite the icy snow storm we got the angel was hanging there bright and shimmery.

I am pleased with where I stand today, strong, feeling supported, feeling much on the rebound.  Although I  miss him every day, I talk about him a lot to people and it makes me feel good.  I still have days where I breakdown from heartache, I cry and I miss him,but deep down I know I'm right where I'm suppoesd to be, and right now he's guiding me and my life.  I'm anxious to start school again, I feel like I want to help people and Psychology is going to be the best way for me to do that.  I'll be able t to help people going through a variety of life experiences and also help people working through greif and loss. I'll specifically try to find a way to incorporate Psychology into helpng people go through the loss of a child...

Starting a new chapter in my life, all thanks to Gabriel's guidance.

1 comment:

  1. This is wonderful. Gabriel is such a precious little one. I am so glad he has entered your life and heart. There, he will always be. :)