Monday, March 5, 2012

3 months

Its been 3 months since we said goodbye to our sweet angel Gabriel. 

Some days it feels like an eternity.  We've grown so much and changed so much throughout this journey that I barely recognize myself anymore. Its good changes though: I'm so much more open minded, caring, less self centered, gracious, and loving than I was before. (just so we're clear, I don't believe these things were a problem before, those parts of me have just grown and matured even more.)

It feels like a lifetime ago that we were holding him, feeling his warmth, giving him kisses. Yet it was really only 3 short months ago.  Sometimes, it really does feel that fresh, 3 months is not a very long time.  Its hard to believe that we'd have a 3 month old right now in our home, I wonder all the time what that'd be like.  Its terrible how your mind starts to forget things, even the important things that you want to remember.

Its sad to think that I'm starting to forget details of that fateful morning. (Good thing I've written them down).  I"m thankful to have the photos to look at because without them, I'm afraid I would have blocked most of it out already - even what he looked like. I have trouble sometimes remembering what it looked like peering down on his precious face. The pictures remind me, they assure me that what I remember is accurate. And sometimes, I go back and read my previous blog posts to remind me about everything, the last thing I want to do is forget any part of our journey.

Sometimes I worry that I'll forget all together. I never want to forget what it felt like to hold my son. I never want to forget what he looked like, what he smelled like, and what his tiny body felt like.

We miss Gabriel every day. We wish he was here with us constantly. I wonder what things he'd be doing right now. What would Evelyn be like with a baby brother always around?  I don't cry as often for him, although that doesn't mean I miss him or love him any less... it just means I'm healing.

That, I feel, is a very good thing.

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