Saturday, March 17, 2012

Baby Fever

Baby Fever: When a girl starts feeling a strong desire to have a baby, possibly to the point of obsession. (Urban Dictionary).  I may have the worst case ever.

I feel like it comes from the fact that Evelyn has been my baby, my tiny little offspring. In December, I held and loved my even smaller, tinier son. Holding him and seeing him makes me remember the days when Evelyn was so small - she really isn't my baby anymore. 

I held him, looked at him, kissed him. I should have a baby, a tiny human to snuggle in my arms, but he was taken from me and my life. He should be a 3 month old little boy that snuggles and breastfeeds and wakes me up in the night, but instead I snuggle alone (Evelyn isn't much of a snuggler these days, all she wants to do is play!).  Instead of making bottles and breastfeeding, I'm packing up bottles and infant clothes. Of course, going through all Evelyn's clothes certainly doesn't help. A HUGE reminder of when she was so small. Perhaps that wasn't such a good idea.

It feels like what I imagine a drug addict goes through, the want, the need, the feeling that something is missing.  Everytime I see a baby, a pregnant woman, a baby store - the need gets intense. Its all I think about some days, I dream about our next baby when I sleep. I can't watch TV or movies without the thought crossing my mind.  

We need to make sure we are emotionally ready for another pregnancy. We have to be strong enough to handle the initial stress and emotional pain we'll feel when we get that positive test again. No matter how long we wait it'll be stressful, but we have to make sure we're in a place that we can handle it. Until they can confirm that the baby has kidneys and all its other vital organs, we are going to be emotional, stressed and rather overwhelmed.  Now, add in the possibility that it could happen again. The statistics say that its unlikely, but its not unheard of. If it happened again, especially if its too soon, it'd tear us apart.

The statistics say that we have a close to 0% chance of it happening again. But I have talked to women who have had Potters Syndrome babys, followed with healthy normal baby girls and when they got pregnant with another boy, it had Potters Syndrome again... Some of these mothers, like us, have been told its not a genetic condition.  I think possibly there's more to the statistics than what we see.  Is it possible that some families who have a Potters baby can have normal healthy baby girls (Evelyn) but cannot have a baby boy without Potters Syndrome? Could it be that the following baby girls are throwing off the reoccurance statistics?  If that is the case, perhaps we'll never have a baby boy? That would be ok, but I would like the experience of parenting a little guy.  These are the things that go through my mind.

These are the things that tell us how scared we will be when we do get pregnant again. These thoughts will never leave our minds, we could wait 10 years and it'll still be a stressful situation. Every day, the load of these concerns lightens just a bit which is building our confidence to be able to try again. Its just a matter of knowing when is the right time for BOTH of us and our families.

Until then, I'll obsess and wonder how we'll know for sure we are ready, and when we'll be pregnant again. Until then I'll continue to find ways to deal with this "baby fever" and focus on other things.

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