Tuesday, March 27, 2012

First baby experience..

Since Gabriel's birth, I've been avoiding babies, baby showers, and baby stores. I just haven't been up for it.  A couple of our friends had their baby yesterday morning, a little boy.  They had him at Derrick's work which is the same hospital I had Evelyn and Gabriel.

 Walking in I was very very nervous. I didn't know if I was going to keep it all together. But I had to try, I had to prove to myself that I could do this.  My palms were sweaty, my heart nearly beat out of my chest as I walked past the same room where Gabriel was born... and passed.  It was empty as I looked in, and very vivid flashbacks of that morning came rushing through my mind.

I settled on a couch in the waiting room with Derrick and Evelyn, two of my very close friends were also there.  The nurses even gave me a second look - as if they were thinking "is she ready for this?" (they know Derrick and what we've been through).  Nobody had to say anything, I knew they were sort of waiting to see how I'd do, as is expected.  But I felt the support, from our friends, and from the staff.  I knew they would understand if I couldn't handle it or lost it a little.

I couldn't get myself to hold the baby, although Derrick did and he did it with a smile on his face.  I did look at him and touch him, but I just wasn't ready to hold him. Not yet, not during my first experience with a newborn baby boy.  We chatted and socialized and nobody put any pressure on me to hold him or be near him. 

Somehow I managed to hold myself together and just enjoyed socializing with some friends.

I felt sad as we left, partly because I hadn't gained the courage to hold their little guy, partly because I was struggling with my emotions the entire time (I hoped they hadn't noticed too much).  But I have to take things one step at a time and not jump out of my comfort zone. I think if I'd held him, I might have lost it.  I'm glad I didn't. 

But now, although my heart aches with the pain of missing Gabriel, I also feel stronger than I did before.  I know now that being around a new baby is not going to be the end of my world and it isn't going to send me a million miles backwards in my healing process...  I feel that I've healed just a little bit more from this experience and that now I won't have to dread the next baby that comes into the world, I can approach it with caution and only push myself as far as I'm comfortable. 

Hooray for progress, and congrats Blair and Celeste!

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