The last week or so, I have found myself slipping into a sort of darkness. I know this is just another stage of the greiving process, its not something I'm concerned about. Just another fact: greif happens.
I don't know why all the sudden I'm finding it hard to stay happy. I have many reasons to smile, many great things in my life. But recently, even those things are hard to see through the sadness. I don't miss Gabriel any more or any less than I ever have. The realization that he isn't here with us and that we don't get to be with him is not a recent discovery.
The only recent thing that has happened/changed, is that we went to go design is headstone. I was nervous in the days leading up to that one, I was afraid I'd be an emotional wreck, a timebomb waiting to explode. But when that day came, it felt like such an honor to be able to do something so special, so permanant for our son.. Its just one more way people will know he existed, he lived. Its one more moment we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. Sitting there, searching through dozens of designs specifically for infants. Some Derrick liked, some I liked, and one that we both agreed was perfect for our little man.
I've been working a lot on his scrapbook, perhaps my way of working through the darkness. For the last 3 months I just couldn't get myself to work on it. Now I have this new found drive to get it completed. I want to have it done, a momento to look at, a book to share. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the desire to have this one last monument of his life complete. But, I've stalled once more. I'm beginning the part about the induction/labor process.... I don't even know how to memorialize it. I have saved every little peice of paper and can't decide whats important and whats not.
We have continued to attend the support group we found. It meets every other Tuesday and so far we have yet to see a familiar face - everyone is always a newcomer. They have all been smaller more intimate groups. Us and one or two other couples. Derrick finds it too repetative, I find it helpful. The main thing for me is just being around other moms who feel the things I feel, who share a common bond - as horrible of a bond as that is. But Derrick is right, it is repetative. Its the same thing every single time, and its never long enough. 1 1/2 hours is not long enough to really get to know someone. So we have our brain waves flowin, coming up with ideas to help other people who are just looking for more. I have one great idea, but the funding is going to be a bit of a problem because I can't afford to fund an event.
Otherwise, we're doing well. Enjoying the beautiful weather Minnesota has blessed us with this year. I love summer and would be thrilled with the "endless summer" they keep talking about. But I sure wish our little man was here to enjoy it with me.
I love you Gabriel, from the bottom of my heart. I miss you and I wish you were here with us every single day...