Rest In Peace Gabriel Ray
On Monday, December 12th at 2pm, a small group of friends and family came out to the cemetary to lay our little man to rest. David from the funeral home offered to let us see Gabriel one last time before he put our last few items with him and sealed the cradle (infant casket). We had decided we wouldn't because we had said our goodbyes at the hospital. However, after asking him what to expect Gabriel to look like, I decided I had to see him one last time and give him one last kiss. Gabriel looked so comfy snuggled up in his blanket with his bear. He looked better than he did the day he was born - his color was normal, he looked so peaceful. Derrick and I both gave him a final kiss and said goodbye before he closed the cradle tight.
Derrick carried our angel over to his plot where he would lay to rest forever. I carried the 3 roses we brought him, one from me, one from Daddy, and one from Evelyn. The service was short (December in MN tends to be chilly). I was tough for me because it felt so final, it was over, he was gone... officially gone.
As we walked away my heart felt heavy. I didn't want to leave him there all alone...
Our family came back to our place where we had sandwiches served by Derrick's family. I was able to connect my computer to our TV so that we could play the slideshow photos of his short but precious life here with us. Derrick put in a cd of soft piano music. It was wonderful to share Gabriel's birthday photos with our families.
That evening, after everyone left - we reminised on the last few months of our lives, the moments we spent with him, and the day he was born.
Mornings seem to be the hardest on me. I wake up crying as I realize I'm not pregnant anymore, I'm not carrying him with me... he isn't here. I struggle to get the courage to get out of bed, I could stay there all day.
Luckily, Evelyn always comes to find us. It never fails, she always manages to put a smile on my face encouraging me to get up and play. That's where I find most of my motivation to start each day. I have moments throughout the day when my heart gets heavy and I might fall apart, but I also have moments when I just feel so blessed that he is watching over me.
A constant reminder...
Sunday morning, my milk supply came in. The constant throbbing pain reminds me every moment that I don't get to feed Gabriel, I don't get to hold him in my arms anymore. It seems as though my body is craving my baby as much as my heart is... I don't know what hurts more, the physical throbbing pain or the emotional pain that follows.
Support System comes around
Since he was born, our friends and family have not left our side. They are checking on us, calling us, and reminding us that they are there if they need anything. Some people are bringing us dinners so we don't have to worry about that part of our day, some people are just coming by to show love and support to us.
Its been remarkable, the way people have really been there for us. Now that the burial is over though, it seems to be slowing down a bit. Which is ok because Derrick has been wanting time just to ourselves to mourn and grieve.
Our house looks and smells beautiful. We've recieved numerous bouquets of flowers. It really brightens a persons day - especially in the middle of MN winter - to see beautiful, colorful flowers all around you. My house looks like spring! My favorite!
We continue to take each day as it comes, each moment as it comes. Its a rough and rocky road, but its a journey...