On Friday, I decided to take some time to myself. I needed a change and to pamper myself a little. So I went over to the local Spalon Montage and got my hair cut. She cut off 6 inches and gave me a different style. When we were planning for after the birth I new I needed to plan some things to look forward to and this was one of them. It'd been 2 years since my last haircut/trim, so it was much needed.
Picnic With Gabriel
Yesterday, we went to the cemetary with my mom and had a "picnic" with Gabriel. But, Minnesota winters are quite cold so we ate in the truck. I had been wanting to go out to the cemetary but wasn't up for it all week, so it felt good to go see him. It was sad though, that while we were there we noticed a few other "new" plots... How terrible to see how many other parents have to go through as much hurt and pain as we have. I can only hope that they too have found an incredible support system like we have.
On Checking the Mail
In the mail, we recieved the information regarding his birth certificate, but not his death certificate information. We have to send in money to get a copy of his birth certificate. Sadly, I know we'll also have to request a copy of his death certificate... something to file away and hopefully not need to pull out or look at again, or at least for a long time. There are just some things that are such a negative reminder, I feel like I need to weed out some of the reminders when I can.
We are still recieving loving and thoughtful cards from our friends and family (these are good reminders of the love and support we have!) Its so nice to open a card and know that someone is thinking of us and sending us their love.
How We're Doing
We are still taking things day by day. Derrick talks more about Gabriel now. I know he loves his little man and I think it hurt too much for him to really talk about it. But now he brings it up a few times a day, talking about what makes him sad, what it would have been like if he'd be here, and about his birthday.
The hardest part for me right now is realizing that I have a son but I don't get to be his mommy, I don't get to do all those things that mommy's are supposed to do. Instead of carrying him in my arms, I only get to carry him in my heart. Instead of feeding him, I go out to the cemetary and have lunch/dinner with him. Instead of looking at his face, I look up at the sky and mentally run through pictures of what he looked like and those few precious moments we got to spend with him.
There are other hard parts too. I constantly crave holding him, snuggling him, and rocking him. I want to feel his warmth and hear his cries. But I know these are only things I can imagine now. Hopefully someday we'll be able to experience the thrills of a new baby again.
Waiting on the Results
Waiting for the autopsy results to come back seems like forever. They said 6-10 weeks, and looking out at the future, that seems like a REALLY long time! I want to know the autopsy results because Dr Buchbinder said that its possible the kidneys had formed and just weren't functional... Or perhaps they didn't form at all? Only the autopsy will tell us that forsure. I'm also hoping the autopsy will tell us his eye color. I never got to see his eyes and I am curious what they were. Its a small detail - I know - but something I'll always wonder about.
They also did chromosome testing on him, they said this would tell us if its a gene one of us is carrying or if it was a sporatic occurance. They've all said it was probably sporatic, but I'm not getting my hopes up incase it was genetic. If it is genetic our risk is 1 in 4 of this happening again, if it was sporatic then our risk is 4%. So it'll make a big difference as far as deciding if we will try for more babies or not. We both know that we want more, but if our risk is 25% then we will have to seriously reconsider if/when we will want to try to get pregnant again...
Looking into the future
I'm not looking forward to Derrick returning to work next week. He's been my rock, my main support through all of this. I'm planning to keep myself busy for awhile so that I'm not just sitting around at home. Perhaps this is my chance to reconnect with people and get out of the house.
Each day gets easier and easier, although not by much. I still feel like its going to be a long trying road for us. I plan to start looking at support groups soon so I can meet other parents who have gone through this greiving process before us... But it may be awhile before I feel up to actually attending a support group. I guess we'll just have to see how I feel.
"Precious Little One, We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we’ll hold you in our hearts forever. It seemed like only a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to see you, touch you, hold you, love you. It was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift- no matter how brief, no matter how fragile, Your life was indeed a gift, and we’ll hold you in our hearts forever."