Nearly 20 years ago, my aunt and uncle lost a set of twin boys at 18 weeks gestation. I was 5 o r 6 years old when this happened. I do remember it a tiny bit, but not in detail. Nonetheless, as I got older, pregnancy loss, infant loss, and miscarraige didn't concern me. It was never supposed to happen in our family again. I was naive enough to think that "it wouldn't happen to me". I never gave thought to the fact that developmental abnormalities happen, cord accidents happen, placental abruption happens amongest a million other possible tragedies.
I was possibly the most naive person on the planet when it came to pregnancy.
Looking back, I almost think that maybe I thought pregnancy was a given - not a miracle. I never realized how much of a blessing it is to get pregnant in the first place, let alone end up with a happy healthy bouncing baby afterwards.
Then I had my first miscarraige. I was hurt and sad, somewhat shocked at the thought that it could and did happen to me. Women don't talk a whole lot about miscarraige, I think this is because unfortunately, its all too common. I had lost a child, not one I got to know, or feel, but I lost a child. Losing that baby gave me a small amount of insight as to how fragile pregnancy truly is. Little did I know that having that miscarraige was only the start of my journey, not the end. Boy
was I unprepared.
I got pregnant with my daughter right after my miscarraige. During the first trimester - I worried tremendously about having another miscarraige. But after I hit the 12 weeks, I "knew" everything would be fine and I'd have a healthy baby in 6 months time - and I did. She came out happy, healthy, and beautiful.
After 10 months, I found out I was pregnant again. I was naive enough to believe that since I'd already had a healthy baby, I wouldn't have to worry about losing another one (as if having a healthy baby eliminates the possibility of something going wrong in a future pregnancy??). I was still worried about miscarraige for the first 12 weeks, but once again found myself naive enough to believe everything would be fine from that point on. I'd passed the risky phase, I'm in the safe zone. Once again, in 6 months time I'd have a happy healthy baby to hold.
I was so naive that I never thought seriously about the anatomy scans. I never thought about the fact that the anatomy scan wasn't just a chance to see your baby (I knew they were looking to make sure baby had a head and two arms and two legs, but honestly, in my head, it was just another chance to see my baby). Never again will I look forward to an anatomy scan the same way as I did before.
At 20 weeks we went in, I was excited to see my little one and get pictures to put in the scrapbook. I was too naive to think that they might find something wrong with the tiny life growing inside me. They did, something fatally wrong - and my world turned upside down.
Then I found myself being naive again. "Its modern day medicine, they can do something, they can fix this. They will make my baby better and everything will be fine." I was naive enough to think that with all the technology and medical advancements they have, they can fix anything. I would soon find out that I was very wrong. They have no options, there is nothing they can do. I stopped being naive and snapped into reality - my new reality.
All this time I was too naive to believe this journey could be part of my life story. I was too naive to understand my babies would come out anything less than perfect. I was too naive to understand that just because you've hit 12 weeks, this does not guarantee you a take home baby.
I never thought I'd carry a baby inside me even though I knew it wouldn't live. I was too naive to think that it would be beneficial to do so, or that I had it in me to even try... but it was beneficial and I'm SO glad I did.
To say the least, I'm a bit less naive than I was 3 years ago when I had my first miscarraige. I have come to realize how fragile pregnancy is and how much of a phenominon it is that we come out with 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose. We have 2 hands, 2 feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. Do you realize how precious and amazing that is?
It seems I used to live in my own happy little bubble where things didn't go wrong and tragedies like pthis didn't happen. I can't believe how naive I was to life, to pregnancy, and to how it all begins.