Sunday, April 8, 2012

4 Months - Happy Easter

My sweet angel,
Its hard to believe 4 months have passed since I saw your beautiful face. It feels like ages ago, I miss you so very much. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. You've left such a giant imprint on our lives, as well as the lives of so many people around us.  Your life was a very precious gift for us,  and we love you so much.
Today, we would be celebrating your very first Easter. We'd introduce you to the Easter Bunny and the customs our family follows. We'd dress you in your finest clothes and take photos in your "My 1st Easter" bib. We'd put adorable bunny ears on your tiny head and comment how "absolutely adorable" you are in them.  I would have put funny little pictures of  your first easter in your scrapbook, and then used them as blackmail later in life. I would post them on Facebook for all our friends and family to see and comment on. Instead, I get to go to the cemetary and take you an egg I colored specifically for you.  As always, I'll probably take pictures and put those in your scrapbook to fill in the spaces where I would have put pictures of you.  I'll sit and wonder and imagine what Easter would have been like with you here...
Today wouldn't just be your first Easter,  you'd also be 4 months old. I imagine the things you'd be learning and doing. You'd be learning to roll over, to sit up, and to grab things. You'd be losing your "newborn look" and moving into the typical baby look.  I wonder what you would look like without that newborn appearance... I think a lot about what it would be like to walk into the gas station or other store with a baby in my arms and a toddler by my side. I wonder what size clothes you'd be wearing, how often you'd be up in the night, if you would have started solids early like your sister did. I wonder if your hair would have stayed my color or if it would have changed. There are a lot of things I wonder about as I move through life without you here.

When you see me crying, please don't feel bad or sad. At that moment your mommy just misses you, her heart hurts a little bit.  Sometimes I just can't hold back the tears anymore so they just start to roll down my cheeks. Its because we love you so much, the thoughts of you can get overwhelming sometimes and letting out a few tears seems to help ease the pain just a little bit.
It was wonderful visiting you today, it felt good to not be there alone this time.  It was sad to look around and see all your new friends though.  Absolutely heartbreaking :(

Our hearts and lives will never be the same without you little man...

Love always

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