Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Post #100...

Uffda... 100 posts, that seems semi crazy to me.  I can't believe how many thoughts, emotions, and experiences I've fit into 100 posts in the last year (or so).

I've hit a bit of a wall today.   1 year ago our journey hit a major scary fork in its road, we recieved Gabriel's diagnosis.  Looking back on that day is like a flood of emotions. I remember laying there, hearing the words being said but not processing what those words mean, being in such denial that you can't even begin to understand what is happening. Then all of the sudden it hits you, "There's nothing we can do, I'm so sorry." Its what I imagine being hit by grenade would feel like.  Your brain gets overwhelmed in thoughts: "How can I fix this?" "How do I save my baby?" "What do I do now?" "How is this possible?" "This isn't supposed to be happening to us."... My first thought once reality hit was that I needed to get out of there.  We walked out and sat in the parking lot crying and crying and processing what happens now.  I was in a fog for a few weeks. I don't remember much of that time, my focus was on my baby and how to fix it.  The following months took us down a path that we never prepared for, we never thought we'd have to.   Its amazing to look back and think about how naive I was, how much of a different person I was then and who I've become now.

And here we sit, 14 weeks pregnant, and a mere weeks away from finding out whether or not our current babies have kidneys.  The clinics are causing this process to be much more complicated than it needs to be.  It takes all my courage and strength just to pick up the phone and call about this appointment, and we have to go to the same string of clinics we went to when we recieved Gabriel's diagnosis - just over 1 year later.  Our clinic and that clinic are not communicating well and its taking many phone calls and a mess to get this appointment set up.  Their disorganization is causing so much unnecessary stress about this - I really don't need them to add to my already emotional state.

Yesterday, we went to visit Gabriel, I had some things from some loved ones that needed to be dropped off for him.  It was a pleasant visit on a really nice day...  Afterwards we went to my mom's and picked up the crib she had sitting in her playroom, we came home and set it all up.  I was fine about this, excited that we will finally get to use these items.  Now we just need to find a second crib similar to that one... Today I walked into that room and the feeling was a bit different.  I know Gabriel would be grateful that we have the opportunity to use his things, to finally be putting it to use.  There's still that part of me that imagines what he would look like sleeping in that crib, wrapped in those blankets. 

I worry about the twins constantly.  I worry about Baby B and hope that it will pull through and everything will be fine.  I worry that we could show up at our next appointment only to find out one of the babies isn't living, or we'll go to this next ultrasound and learn that something is wrong with one of them.  I try my best to keep everything composed, but seriously, I can't be 100% all the time - especially with the date being so close to the date we recieved Gabriel's diagnosis.   I feel tiny little pokes but I can't wait till I can feel them both moving constantly for some comfort measures. I realize that doesn't mean something won't happen, but at least in that moment I'll know they're ok.  At this point, its still somewhat hard to decide if the "pokes" are really just gas bubbles or them moving... Oh how I wish I could tell the difference.   I began feeling Gabriel around 14 weeks so I'm hoping this will happen soon. 

This post has been pretty emotional to write, so I'm going to leave it short about the current pregnancy.  I'm still exhausted, I'm less nauseous than I was before, and I'm growing out of my clothes.  We've completed 102 days of this pregnancy and only have 182 more days to go!

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