"Pregnancy after a loss brain" has got my mind whirling and twirling in circles some days. The other day I had a dream, Baby B was born at 13 weeks (somehow we knew it was a boy) and obviously wouldn't live. But I was still pregnant with baby A and that pregnancy went on as normal. Do I see this as a premonition? No, I see it as my brain going crazy about the minor concerns with Baby B. But does it worry me - absolutely. Then last night, I had another dream that we went in for another ultrasound and Baby B was gone. Again, I don't see this as a premonition, but instead as my brains way of working through my real life fears and worries.
We still have 12 days until our next scan of Baby B and the wait is killing me. I know that doctor I talked to said that its very minor concerns, but after a loss - even minor concerns feel major. So I try to think positive and that everything will be ok, but sometimes I don't feel that way at all. It just depends on my mental stance that day. I sure wish they wouldn't have made us wait so long for another scan, it seems like its still forever away.
Then, we'll get through this scan and shortly after they'll start checking for kidneys and function. Yet another pregnancy after a loss stresser. I'm confident that these babies will be ok though. They don't need to be perfect - I just want two healthy alive babies.
But, the good news is this: We're at 10 weeks! 1/4 of the way there! 25%! Yay! Cook babies cook!
I'm feeling pretty good, I think the water intake is helping with the cramping (its much more minor now), the bloat I get is rediculous and the nausea is starting to subside. I find if I eat many small meals (and SLOW) then I feel better throughout the day. Of course these things have my mind going in circles too because these are the symptoms that make me confident its still twins in there, but nearing 2nd tri means symptoms will start to go.
I know Gabriel is watching out for these little ones, he's definitely pulling for these two. I think back to how I was feeling at this time with Gabriel - I wasn't as excited, I wasn't very happy and I think deep down I knew something was wrong. I'm so glad I don't feel that way with these two, I feel much more confident (and I hope this certainty doesn't come back to bite me in the behind). I'm so excited for the twins, but I still would rather have had Gabriel here, to not be pregnant again and instead enjoying my 7-8 month old baby. But I'm moving forward with life, playing life's game with the cards I've been dealt all while knowing that Gabriel's still here with me and watching over us.
My mom said something that has stuck in my mind: "Gabriel went back up to God and told him what wonderful parents you were to him, that you gave him life and love that he may not have gotten with someone else, he told him that you deserve another baby and God said 'x2'"