7 months...

I still have constant moments of missing Gabriel.  Last night Derrick and I went to the 311 concert, it was a blast! We got on the front bar again and Derrick protected me from the pit like he always does (of course he was a little more protective this time cause he had 3 to protect at once!).  I had a moment towards then end, got emotional when I remembered again that Gabriel's time of death was 311am.  Being Derrick's favorite band, I've always felt like there was a reason for that. 

Its hard to believe Gabriel would be 7 months old already, we've missed so much these last 7 months... rolling, playing, babbling, smiles, coos, and laughs...  Its so hard to think back and know how much we've missed.

Now we've been sent these twins.  The fear of loss is much more real than I imagined.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that its 2 and not 1.   We have double the risk of losing one, double the risk of having another baby with Potter's Syndrome or any other condition, double the risk of later factors like preterm labor, high blood pressure, anemia, etc.  We were prepared for the fear and nerves we'd experience being pregnant again, but we weren't prepared for the nerves we'd feel carrying 2.

We continue to feel emotional when thinking back to this gift that we believe Gabriel had something to do with (although we aren't sure how).  We both have had emotional moments thinking back to our pregnancy with Gabriel and how innocent it was at this stage of the game, that was just over 1 year ago...    We knew being pregnant again would bring out a lot of raw emotion, but its doubled now. 

We are just hoping and praying that we get to keep both babies.  The vanishing twin scenario has me worried for their little lives.  I have temporarily banned myself from googling twin pregnancy because a couple days ago it scared the life out of me.    For now I'm trying to remember, "today its twins, today we have two little miracles, two tiny little rainbows, what happens tomorrow is out of our control so enjoy one day at a time."  And when I start to worry - I hop online and start searching adorable twin onsies and accessaries!  It make sme ooh and ahh and get excited again.  I've found some really really cute ones!

We've talked about Gabriel a lot more again since finding out about the twins, how much we miss him and wish he was here to experience life with twins.  We talk about our memories with Gabriel and our pregnancy journey with him. 

It seems a lot of other people are thinking a lot about Gabriel too.  Saying things like:
"Gabriel really wanted Evelyn to have siblings!"
"Gabriel's coming back and he's bringing a friend"
"Gabriel's coming back and bringing the sibling he forgot last time"
"Gabriel has blessed you!"
"Gabriel is smiling and giggling up there right now."
"I feel like this is sort of a reward, a gift for everything you chose to do for Gabriel, a reward for giving him as much life and as much love as you possibly could have..."
and so much more...

We're definitely keeping in mind that even though we've been blessed with this gift, it doesn't mean we'll get to keep both blessings, it doesn't replace or make up for Gabriel and everything we went through with him, and it certainly isn't a guarantee. But, it is a blessing.  A blessing that we feel Gabriel had something to do with.  Its been 7 months since we said good-bye and in 7 months we'll be welcoming (hopefully) 2 tiny new bundle of joys into our lives.