Fear

The fear of losing another baby is intense right now.  I'm trying to stay calm, not stress and put my faith in God, but somedays its hard.

We have our next appointment next Thursday with an OB.  They are going to do an ultrasound and confirm that its still twins and that everything looks ok. Then afterwards I have an "intake appointment" because I haven't been there before.  I'm so nervous! It feels like its forever away but its really only just a week.  They couldn't get me in any sooner than that which I'm not used to. With our regualar Dr/OB we can usually get in same or next day, but with an official OB its so much different.

I have read a lot about vanishing twins, early pregnancy loss and other things.  It seems that, like with any singleton pregnancy, once heartbeats are found its much less likely to have a vanishing twin. It also appears that having the babies in 2 separate sacs with 2 separate placentas reduces our risk of losing one.  Doesn't make me feel much better, but  does provide some positive things to focus on.

I just can't imagine what will happen if we lose another baby - whether its vanishing twin, or another Potter's baby... I already know I'd be devastated.  I have vowed to stay off Google for now (at least when it comes to searching about twin pregnancy) so that seems to be helping. But I can't get away from the random "Vanishing Twin" things that come up.

I was panicking a little bit about losing one or both yesterday, and when I hopped on Facebook - someone had shared this.  I needed to see this at that moment (even though it wasn't geared towards me, I took it that way).  Its true, he's got this. He knows whats going to be best for us and for the babies and I need to relax and leave it in his hands. If we are meant to keep the twins we will.

So I'm trying to focus less on Vanishing twins and more on the risk of Potters Syndrome.  Somehow it makes me feel less stressed.  I know it seems backwards, but I think its because vanishing twins are stressful right NOW, Kidneys are stressful in about 2 months when we start looking for them. So the best way to explain it is that it takes away the immediate stress.

I also have a very large group of friends both in real life and online (Hi J12!) and family that are rooting for us and praying praying praying!  For this we are so appreciative. It brings us a lot of comfort to know that so many people are hoping and praying for us.  It also helps a ton to have people that we can share our worries and concerns, as well as excitements and celebrations with.

In the meantime, I can feel myself expanding already and I'm only 8 weeks today!  Its not much but its enough that me (and people around me) are noticing already! This week they are the size of raspberries - doesn't seem like much when its 1, but when its 2 raspberries it seems like so much more!