Headstone

"There are two things I learned from him that night.  The perfection of a moment, and the fleeting nature of it. "

Went to the cemetary today - as I do so frequently. Last time I was out there was last Wednesday. When I got there I got a bit of a surprise though, his stone was placed!

I wasn't expecting it when I went there today. I didn't know it had been placed, nobody from the place called to tell me.  But I think it was put there on Thursday or something.

In any case, its beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better stone. Its exactly how I expected it to be.

It was a bittersweet moment. I was excited that it was there, I've been waiting for it for so long. But at the same time, it was sad - it feels so final.  It feels more final than laying him to rest did.

Derrick hasn't seen it yet, I'm taking him there tonight.

Overall, we're doing fairly well.  We still have our moments though. I haven't finished his scrapbook yet, I'm still working on it little by little.  Derrick has a hard time looking through what I have finished so far. He did look at it and noticed that Gabriel looks a lot like my grandpa's baby picture - which was a little weird for him apparently.  We are still attending our support groups every 2 weeks. I don't know how long we'll attend that for, but we enjoy meeting other loss parents.

I'm so thankful for those who have found my via my blog.  I enjoy talking to others who know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.

Scrapbooking and a Pedicure

After Gabriel was born, I began working on his scrapbook.  I got stopped by my emotions when I got to his birthdate. I looked at the pictures all the time so that wasn't the problem. I don't know why I just couldn't get myself to work on that part. Yesterday I went to Wal-Mart and printed 127 pictures and began working on his book again.  It feels good to be working towards finishing his book.  I want to have it to look at whenever I please without filing through all the pictures and scrolling through my computer files. 

I have found that its actually been very therapeutic for me to be doing this for him. Its a way for me to memorialize him and remember that day.

Pamper me time :)

A friend from high school got in touch with me. She'd found our blog and read our story.  The salon she works at offered me a chance to pamper myself... a free pedicure. I hadn't realized till that moment that I'd sort of let myself go. I was focusing so much on greiving, Evelyn, Derrick, and everything else in life that I forgot to take care of myself. The last thing I did for me was go get my haircut in December.  So we set an appointment and I scheduled my mom to come babysit. I got there and was in relax and socialize mode.  We were able to catch up on everything thats been going on since High School and how various people are doing.  An older lady came in when we were almost done and we while we were talking about Gabriel. She was truly touched by our story and strength.  It was nice to share our story with another person who truly cared.  (She was also thrilled with the fact that I chose to stay home with Evelyn instead of working full-time).

I was so grateful that someone thought to give me the chance to have some time to myself. I definitely needed it. Some time away from life, Evelyn, and the grieving process.  Some time to focus on me and make myself feel good again.  To say the least it was much needed, and now I have sexy feet!  I've never had a pedicure quite like that - it was luxurious. She did a phenominal job :)

And, I feel great today. My thoughts of Gabriel haven't been sad ones, sure I miss him, but they've all been happy memories of his life with us.  I'm grateful for feeling this way today.

4 Months - Happy Easter

My sweet angel,
Its hard to believe 4 months have passed since I saw your beautiful face. It feels like ages ago, I miss you so very much. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. You've left such a giant imprint on our lives, as well as the lives of so many people around us.  Your life was a very precious gift for us,  and we love you so much.
Today, we would be celebrating your very first Easter. We'd introduce you to the Easter Bunny and the customs our family follows. We'd dress you in your finest clothes and take photos in your "My 1st Easter" bib. We'd put adorable bunny ears on your tiny head and comment how "absolutely adorable" you are in them.  I would have put funny little pictures of  your first easter in your scrapbook, and then used them as blackmail later in life. I would post them on Facebook for all our friends and family to see and comment on. Instead, I get to go to the cemetary and take you an egg I colored specifically for you.  As always, I'll probably take pictures and put those in your scrapbook to fill in the spaces where I would have put pictures of you.  I'll sit and wonder and imagine what Easter would have been like with you here...
Today wouldn't just be your first Easter,  you'd also be 4 months old. I imagine the things you'd be learning and doing. You'd be learning to roll over, to sit up, and to grab things. You'd be losing your "newborn look" and moving into the typical baby look.  I wonder what you would look like without that newborn appearance... I think a lot about what it would be like to walk into the gas station or other store with a baby in my arms and a toddler by my side. I wonder what size clothes you'd be wearing, how often you'd be up in the night, if you would have started solids early like your sister did. I wonder if your hair would have stayed my color or if it would have changed. There are a lot of things I wonder about as I move through life without you here.

When you see me crying, please don't feel bad or sad. At that moment your mommy just misses you, her heart hurts a little bit.  Sometimes I just can't hold back the tears anymore so they just start to roll down my cheeks. Its because we love you so much, the thoughts of you can get overwhelming sometimes and letting out a few tears seems to help ease the pain just a little bit.
It was wonderful visiting you today, it felt good to not be there alone this time.  It was sad to look around and see all your new friends though.  Absolutely heartbreaking :(

Our hearts and lives will never be the same without you little man...

Love always
Mommy

Memorial Garden

I'd seen this idea a few different times, a memorial garden. At first I was a little bummed - we live in a townhome community and we aren't able to plant our own gardens.  But then I found this giant planter that I decided would be perfect.

We waited for the weather to steady just a little bit while I planned what I wanted to plant. Then we went to Gertens. Derrick picked out some plants for some other planters we had, I picked out some Tulips - one of my favorites, some Pansies - Derrick's favorite, and some Daffodils - Gabriel's birth flower.

The first day we planted them the daffodils hadn't bloomed yet...

But today, two days later, they're starting to bloom! 

I was so excited to see his birthflower blooming!!!

These are little stones that came in a kit my mom gave me, so I just placed them sporatically around the planter.

I love his little garden, its so perfect for him.  I was thrilled to be able to plant Daffodils. I'd learned they are typically bulbs that need to be planted in the fall.  This was disappointing for me, so I was extatic when I found them ready to be planted!

Being Naive

 Nearly 20 years ago, my aunt and uncle lost a set of twin boys at 18 weeks gestation.  I was 5 o r 6 years old when this happened.  I do remember it a tiny bit, but not in detail.  Nonetheless, as I got older, pregnancy loss, infant loss, and miscarraige didn't concern me. It was never supposed to happen in our family again.  I was naive enough to think that "it wouldn't happen to me".  I never gave thought to the fact that developmental abnormalities happen, cord accidents happen, placental abruption happens amongest a million other possible tragedies.

I was possibly the most naive person on the planet when it came to pregnancy. 

Looking back, I almost think that maybe I thought pregnancy was a given - not a miracle. I never realized how much of a blessing it is to get pregnant in the first place, let alone end up with a happy healthy bouncing baby afterwards.

Then I had my first miscarraige. I was hurt and sad, somewhat shocked at the thought that it could and did happen to me. Women don't talk a whole lot about miscarraige, I think this is because unfortunately, its all too common.  I had lost a child, not one I got to know, or feel, but I lost a child. Losing that baby gave me a small amount of insight as to how fragile pregnancy truly is.  Little did I know that having that miscarraige was only the start of my journey, not the end.  Boy
was I unprepared.

I got pregnant with my daughter right after my miscarraige. During the first trimester - I worried tremendously about having another miscarraige. But after I hit the 12 weeks, I "knew" everything would be fine and I'd have a healthy baby in 6 months time - and I did. She came out happy, healthy, and beautiful.

After 10 months, I found out I was pregnant again. I was naive enough to believe that since I'd already had a healthy baby, I wouldn't have to worry about losing another one (as if having a healthy baby eliminates the possibility of something going wrong in a future pregnancy??).  I was still worried about miscarraige for the first 12 weeks, but once again found myself naive enough to believe everything would be fine from that point on. I'd passed the risky phase, I'm in the safe zone.  Once again, in 6 months time I'd have a happy healthy baby to hold. 

I was so naive that I never thought seriously about the anatomy scans. I never thought about the fact that the anatomy scan wasn't just a chance to see your baby (I knew they were looking to make sure baby had a head and two arms and two legs, but honestly, in my head, it was just another chance to see my baby).  Never again will I look forward to an anatomy scan the same way as I did before. 

At 20 weeks we went in, I was excited to see my little one and get pictures to put in the scrapbook. I was too naive to think that they might find something wrong with the tiny life growing inside me. They did, something fatally wrong - and my world turned upside down.

Then I found myself being naive again.  "Its modern day medicine, they can do something, they can fix this.  They will make my baby better and everything will be fine."  I was naive enough to think that with all the technology and medical advancements they have, they can fix anything.  I would soon find out that I was very wrong. They have no options, there is nothing they can do. I stopped being naive and snapped into reality - my new reality. 

All this time I was too naive to believe this journey could be part of my life story. I was too naive to understand my babies would come out anything less than perfect. I was too naive to understand that just because you've hit 12 weeks, this does not guarantee you a take home baby.

I never thought I'd carry a baby inside me even though I knew it wouldn't live.  I was too naive to think that it would be beneficial to do so, or that I had it in me to even try... but it was beneficial and I'm SO glad I did.

To say the least, I'm a bit less naive than I was 3 years ago when I had my first miscarraige. I have come to realize how fragile pregnancy is and how much of a phenominon it is that we come out with 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose.  We have 2 hands, 2 feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Do you realize how precious and amazing that is? 

It seems I used to live in my own happy little bubble where things didn't go wrong and tragedies like pthis didn't happen.  I can't believe how naive I was to life, to pregnancy, and to how it all begins.

Never in a million years did I think this would be me...