Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Return to support group

Last night I was finally able to make my return appearance at Nickolas' Gift   support group. My how I've missed them!  It took a little planning to make it happen, but I did it.  The group has changed a lot while I was gone. There were a lot more people there this time, its great to know so many people are getting the support they need to continue on their journey.

Before heading out to the group, I always make a quick stop out to see Gabriel, to thank him for all the wonderful people he has brought into my life.  It is my warm up session before heading into group, gets me focused on what I'm doing.  This time when I went out, there was blue paint on the stone. I have no idea where the blue paint came from.

Walking in and seeing familiar faces, faces of people who care and are happy to see you was heart warming.  I really did need the group and missed it the last few months. It is awesome to have a place to go where you don't have to explain yourself or what you are thinking and feeling, you just be you and you'll fit right in.

The stories are heartbreaking. Many times we jumped from crying to laughing to silent all in the same minute. I had to leave before group was over, I had babies that needed tending to, I was sad to leave just like I always am, and waited till I just couldn't wait any longer.

The group is going to be attending Faith's Lodge  in September. I haven't told Derrick we are going yet.  Faith's Lodge is a place for bereaved families and parents to go and get together with people travelling the same journey. Its a place of love and peace and enjoying the company of people who understand. I can't wait to spend the weekend with the same familiar faces I see at group. Nickolas' Gift has rented out the Lodge for us to go to. I've been wanting to go, but things have been crazy. I hope to be able to attend the weekend NG has reserved for us! How lucky am I to be able to attend the Lodge with familiar faces? PLUS we get to bring the kids and they have arranged for someone to watch everyone's kids periodically. Part of me thinks it would be more beneficial to go without the kids, part of me thinks I should take them with us.

The group talked about pregnancy after a loss and parenting those children after a loss as well.  I think its important to everyone in the loss community that people realize and understand that we don't forget. We don't just move on. Our babies live on in our hearts forever no matter what other things happen in our lives.

Sure we've gotten pregnant again, but just because we have had another baby (or in our case babies) it doesn't get any better or easier, Earth just keeps spinning and time doesn't just stand still. This is true for us as well.

Going to group is the once a month that I feel I can talk about Gabriel and how he's impacted everything that is happening now without feeling like the person listening thinks I should have moved on. I haven't. I won't. I still miss him every day. I still think about him many times as I'm moving about our new life. I still wonder what life would be like with him around at almost 17 months old. He's here, he's in our hearts and our minds and we'll never ever forget or move on.

Often times I wonder if the psychics I talked to before getting pregnant again were onto something. Is one of the twins Gabriel's spirit returning? Could I ever know? My co-worker says I will, he says I'll have a moment when I just know and that it'll be an emotionally intense moment of pure joy and happiness.  Do I believe the psychics? I don't know, the idea seems a bit strange. Yet I play with the idea in the back of my head, wondering if perhaps they are right.

Next time I attend group, I might have to bring it up, talk about it. I want to see what things others think about this idea - Gabriel's return.

At group, we all wrote the names and dates pertaining to our babies on a white board. An opportunity to write our babies names again. I didn't realize till I got home just how seriously I took this small task.  Making sure his name looked good on the board was important to me, I erased and re-wrote letters to make them look better. I erased lines that were too long or parts that looked goofy. Why it was so important that it looked good is beyond me.  Opportunities to write his name come few and far between these days. I never realized how good it feels to write it again, to acknowledge that he was here, he was loved, and he is missed.

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