Monday, May 20, 2013

Realizations and signs

I was reading through my blog today, reliving the journey we've travelled. It's amazing to me to go back and read everything we went through. It's so different to live it day to day than it is to go back and read it. 

While reading our posts, I had a realization or two. The one that stood out to me involved build-a-bear. Our first experience involved putting Gabriel's heart tones inside a teddy bear. That bears heart still beats and it still sits on my nightstand, I'd be incomplete without it. 

That experience also involved making bears for Gabriel and Evelyn. One for him to be buried with, and one for Evelyn to keep with her. Someday she'll know that her baby brother also has one. 

Our most recent trip to Build-A-Bear involved making 2 bears to match Gabriel's, one for each boy. Someday they too will know that Gabriel has that same bear with him.

While reading my blog, I came across a post that happened about 2 months after Gabriel's birth. I had taken Evelyn to McDonald's, after ordering they offered me a choice between some random toy or a Build-A-Bear toy - given our Build-A-Bear experience I knew right away that we needed those Build-A-Bear toy. When we got home I learned Evelyn received not one, but 2 of these toys! Both had hearts on them, Evelyn and I both felt like we had won the jackpot.

My realization was this: was Gabriel telling me we'd have the twins? Was this a sign? 

Or perhaps both those psychics had such a strong feeling we'd be pregnant soon because it would be twins and they were sensing that? 

There's been a few times I've hoped things were signs from Gabriel. Shortly after we selected his  headstone, the clouds in the sky looked like a dove, much like the dove we had placed on Gabriel's stone.

The night Gabriel was born, there was a single star in the sky at dusk, for 15 minutes it was the only star there, and I stood and stared at it. I love to think back to those minutes that we were connected and Gabriel was letting me know he was ok. 

These are moments I live for. These are the moments I believe Gabriel communicates with me. I haven't had a moment for awhile now, maybe again some day...

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