Last night, we did something no parent should ever have to do, we experienced our first pregnancy and infant loss support group. We travelled to St Johns Hospital, completely unsure of where we were going, after wondering around the hospital for a short time, we managed to find the location only 5 minutes late. When we arrived there was one other couple there who was also a new-comer. They lost their baby 2 weeks ago, the heart randomly stopped beating for no apparent reason.
It was nice that it was only one other inexperienced couple to talk to. It made it less intimidating for us and more personal for all of us. The other couple were a lot like us, in many ways. Recent losses, similar interests and hobbies... It was very intimate.
Because it was such a small group we were able to do much more talking and sharing, we were able to focus on eachother and our stories. It would have been nice to be able to have someone with a long time in the greiving process so that we could have an idea of what is to come, but we were at least able to help the other couple with the little experience we have.
The facilitator was very nice, she gave us information and resources for grief and infant loss. She mostly let us talk amongst ourselves and share information and stories with eachother - only piping in when she had something important to say or some valuable input.
She did confirm one thing for me, that I wouldn't regret having Evelyn woken up and brought to the hospital to meet her brother. That even though she was too young to understand, someday she'll appreciate knowing that she had in fact met her brother. She gave us confidence in knowing that we are on the right path in our grieving process and to keep going the way we are.
Its been 2 whole months
Today, Gabriel would be 2 months old. Its been 2 months since we met our sweet little son, 2 months since we had to say goodbye. Its been 2 months since my world shattered and reality started kicking in. But, its only been weeks since we began to recover, weeks since life has felt somewhat normal. I still haven't had a single day when I didn't cry. I look everywhere and I see him. Other kids, other parents, the moon, the stars, the sun, even things as simple as an article online can trigger my memory of him.
Some days it feels like it has been SO long. Like this has been our life forever. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday, so fresh, so raw. I suppose it depends on the day, whats going on, and how I'm feeling. Time is such a funny thing... Sometimes time drags, sometimes time flys by. I guess there are too many variables to really try to explain it or figure it out.
All I know is this: I love him so much, I miss him every single day. I long to hold him, to hug him, to kiss him and to hear his cries, his laughter and his whimpers. I wonder what he would be like, what life would be like with 2 kids right now, I wonder what foods he'd like, how breastfeeding would be going. I always think about the fact that I'll never know. I'll never get to see him learn, grow and explore.
I'm grateful that I have such a special little man watching over me. I have an extra special angel with me all the time - how lucky am I?