"I woke up this morning carrying a heavy heart. Most days I'm ok, I'm feeling strong and feel joy at the memory of Gabriel and knowing that he's with me everywhere I go. I don't struggle with looking at his pictures and cherish the memories we have of him.
I think its because yesterday, when I was babysitting my neice and nephew, Cheyenne (who's 3) said something completely out of the blue... "Auntie... remember when I came to the hospital and I saw your baby?" For some reason, her mentioning him brought tears to my eyes. I choked back the tears and asked her, "Yeah, I remember, he was really cute wasn't he?" She seemed sad and replied "Yeah...." so I said, I miss him very much and love him even more than that. Do you miss him?" She got a little more cheery and said "Yeah, I wish he could play with me..." At which point I couldn't continue without crying. So I simply said "Me too hunny..." and we went back to playing.
Perhaps that's why I'm feeling the way I am today, I don't really know. I just feel sad. Usually I am happy when someone mentions his name, its confirmation that people haven't forgotten about him, that his story lives on. Maybe it hit hard because she's so young, but she remembers. She knows I had a baby.
I need to put my emotions aside for the day because soon, I'm going to work to start my first day in my new position... Hopefully I won't seem so sad when I get there, hopefully the feelings will subside while I'm there and the excitement of starting a new job will overcome the emotional storm thats going on deep inside my heart.
Cheyenne is the cutest little girl in the world. It surprises me so much the things that kids can remember and the adorable stuff they say. I cried just reading your blog entry. Just remember Gabriel is watching down over you, Derrick, and his big sister, Evelyn. He is your beautiful angel!!! If you need anything at all even if you just need someone to talk to I am here for you guys!!!
ReplyDeleteFeeling for you, Sam. I know it's hard and this won't change that you miss him, you always will...but be comforted knowing that Gabriel is perfectly, wonderfully happy right now. Oh, and he gets to hang out and play with Eliana. :)
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