Fireworks

Last weekend, Derrick and I came home from a small family gathering and upon pulling in the driveway we heard loud banging noises. We could see the flashing in the sky and quickly figured out there were fireworks going off. They were abnormally close, like within a block or two, and there were no city festivals that we were aware of.  We had in our heads that it was probably a neighbor, but who shoots off fireworks on a 50 degree September evening IN THE RAIN?!

It was the boys' bedtimes and we were desperately trying to get them to sleep but with all the banging going on, we were fighting an uphill battle. The booms and bangs continued consistently for quite awhile. I'm sure it was only 15-20 minutes, but as we were fighting the boys to go to sleep it really felt like a few hours. I was frustrated and angry.

That's when I realized something. Guardian Angels Church was hosting their fall festival that weekend, it had to be fireworks they were shooting off. Gabriel is buried at Guardian Angels' cemetary. If I had known they were putting on a fireworks display I would have gone out there and watched the show with Gabriel, rain and all.

We've lived in our home for 8 years and never heard these fireworks before, but we'll be watching for them again. Next time, our family will join Gabriel for the show, we'll bring the popcorn.

Twin Zygosity Testing

Everyone knows that when I take the kids out in public, the boys tend to attract a lot of attention. People who are regularly around me are starting to understand why I get annoyed, why I don't always respond cheerfully and with a big smile to strangers. Friends and family members are beginning to comprehend why I sometimes feel like a circus sideshow when I go out in public with the kids.  I know in my heart that it's simply because I produce the cutest kids on the planet. But really, people are genuinly curious about twins and seeing them can really make someone's day. After about the 3rd or 4th time I get stopped or talked to I start to get more passive - if that's even the right word. I start to answer "yes" as I'm still walking away. I don't look people in the eye and rarely smile at them (hello, that's just asking for interaction!) I'm going to focus on one thing in this post: "Are they identical?"

The boys really look A LOT alike. Some days I mix them up terribly. Just the other day our friends were over and Karen was on the floor holding one baby and trying to distract the crying one at the same time. I came in and picked up the crying one and immediately started  desperatly trying to get him to simmer down. Here's how the scene went:

Me: *insert baby talking voice here* "Hi Sawyer. Sawyer look at momma. Hi baby. Sawyer..."

Karen: "You have Logan"

Me: *looking at both babies desperately trying to figure out who is who. *

Karen" *laughing hysterically*

So yes, I mix them up... At least once a day if not more. There are days I absolutely cannot tell them apart unless I lay them on the floor to judge by size. Logan is now 20.2lbs and Sawyer 18.2lbs. That 2lbs makes a huge difference in their overall size and appearance.

So while I was at Wal-Mart the other day, getting stopped in every aisle, a woman asked me again "are they identical?" My response was the same as it always is "We don't actually know", at which point they give me a funny look like "How do you not know?" Its complicated. Its not as simple as people think. They assume that if they shared a sac/placenta then they are identical (true) and if they had seperate sacs/placentas then they have to be fraternal (not true).

I had considered having them tested but really didn't care enough to shell out $100 to ease our/your curious mind. Whether or not they are identical or fraternal doesn't really matter very much, that is, unless a health issue comes up that would make it crucial information. I'd planned to just wait it out and see if they change and look different as time goes on. I change my plan.

I'm really tired of feeling like a crummy parent when people ask me if they are identical, I don't know... I'm the mom, I should know. How do I not know? Of course then I have to explain the science behind twins and that just because they were Dichorionic/Diamniotic (di/di - in seperate sacs/placentas) doesn't mean they are fraternal.... 

They look a lot alike, I frequently mix them up as do other people. They have the same blood type (if I remember correctly from when they were born). They have the same hair, eyes, nose, and height suggesting possible identical twinning. But the chance that they are identical as di/di twins is only 23%.

When I got home and searched Google the first links that popped up were for a place called Proactive Genetics located in Georgia. After reading through reviews and various websites, asking around twin mom forums, and getting comfortable with the idea, I finally ordered a kit. They said a couple days to receive it, I ordered on Thursday so hopefully Monday or at least early this week it'll arrive. After I do it I'll overnight it back. They say up to 10 days for processing and then they'll send me the results.

It won't change anything except my answer to that ever-so-popular question: "are they identical? " I'll finally have a solid answer "Yes" or "No". It doesn't matter either way, at least not for now. If they do happen to be identical then that might change our game plan a tiny bit while raising them, to really ensure they remain individuals.



When I look back on the past months I remember being able to tell them apart fairly easily. I almost always knew who was who. Now I look at old photos and I have to wonder how on earth I knew, I can't tell them apart in the photos half the time:

Baby surviving BRA

In a previous post, I talked about Jaime Beutler. A congresswoman for Washington who had a baby diagnosed with Potter's syndrome. Her daughter, Abigail, was born July 15th at 28 weeks gestation and is a day shy of 8 weeks old. She's on dialysis until she is able to receive a kidney transplant. 

Jaime has gone to the media with her story. Her message: it isn't a guarantee, nothing is. But its a chance, a glimmer of hope. It's a treatment that should be at least discussed when giving a BRA diagnosis. 

She asked me for advice on things she should be cautious saying so she wouldn't offend us potters families that have already experienced such a loss. My answer was simple: make sure you acknowledge those of us who tried to advocate for our children and couldn't break down the brick wall medicine has built. Make sure to acknowledge how very lucky you were to have found a doctor willing to try, willing to cross over that wall and try to save your daughter.  Most of us couldn't convince physicians to do something. 

I've been watching and picking these news broadcasts apart - she had asked me to keep an eye on things she was saying. The Today Show interview went well. I didn't like the way the interviewer worded the final question. She suggested that the parents message was to parents, to fight for your child. They rerouted the answer saying that most parents don't need to be reminded to fight, but instead their message is geared towards physicians to offer this as a possible option.  I liked the answer, not the question. 

The Fox News segment upset me. Fox News started by saying that Potters Syndrome is a "fatal lung condition". It's not. It's a kidney condition, the lungs are a side effect of having no kidneys. When they got into the report, their reporter described it as a kidney condition which corrected the oversight, but I was already upset by the misinformation. I got offended and upset and I'm not sure why, I jumped on the defensive. I guess it just hurt and hit a nerve. Then a little further into to segment, Fox News stated that most parents abort after receiving the diagnosis, that she is one of the rare few who fought and kept the hope alive. I beg to differ, although many do abort their pregnancies, I don't think it's fair to say "most" and that it's rare to carry on. I guess I feel that way because so many moms had found my blog and when contacting me had made the decision to continue the pregnancy. It's more uncommon - in my experience - to terminate.

I'm so thrilled for Abigail and her family. I'm glad she's not suffering. I'm glad she's doing so well and have high hopes for her future. Hopefully her survival will make a difference for the future of BRA and those effected by it. I just wish they would have listened to me when I tried to get them to do exactly what Jaime and her husband did. I wish Gabriel had been given that same chance. 

We're married!

"This day I marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love."

The night before the wedding, I didn't sleep. I laid awake in bed, thinking of the amazing day that we were about to have. Then 2am rolled around and Sawyer decided it was time to wake up... Luckily Derrick took him downstairs so I could get some rest. 6:30am came fast. I was awake and excited - our day was finally here!  I loaded up the kids and headed for the salon. Us girls had donuts, pastries and juice. We hung out, joked and laughed. 

We left the salon at 11:30. Headed for the church to get ready. The girls got ready in one room, I got ready across the hall. As I was putting on my dress I saw the little heart I had sewn into the back of my dress, a little piece of the blanket that wrapped Gabriel during those few precious moments we had with him. I had a moment, I knew he was with me.  The boys all got ready in a room downstairs. I didn't let anyone see me except my personal attendants. I think it hurt my sisters feelings, but this time I wanted her to see me with the group. Everyone got lined up outside while my dad came in to see me for the first time in my dress. We shared a moment before going to see everyone else. 

When I exited the front doors my wedding party was lined up on either side of the sidewalk - exactly how I planned, and there stood Derrick at the end - back turned towards me just waiting. I was already in tears. I'd waited so long for this moment and here we stood finally in our wedding attire on our day. The moment was intense. I was more nervous about that moment than I was for the entire day. Derrick was flabbergasted. The smile on his face was priceless, he looked amazing. 

After that we took some photos of Derrick and I and then of the wedding party. We went down to vermillion falls for some more interesting settings. 

We returned to the church at 2:45 for some lunch and hiding. We got the kids dressed and I fed them... Yes, dress and all! 

Time flew by. Derrick had already gone down to his spit in the office at the front of the church to wait his entrance. I felt like I was there for 10 minutes listening to the organ playing as our guests arrived. My heart was beating fast. I was nervous. Next thing I knew it was time. Time to line up. 

The wedding party walked in from opposite sides in the back of the church an met in the middle to walk down the aisle. The kids went right before me - Evelyn in her beautiful flower girl dress pulling a simply decorated wagon. She did beautifully. I could hear the "oooohs" and "ahhhhs" as they made their way down. Rumor has it that she was exceptionally cute. Then it was my turn. As I entered the church my personal attendants were there assuring me I'd be fine and reminding me to "look for D!". As my father and I rounded the corner I could see everyone and immediately spotted Derrick, huge heartwarming smile, just waiting for me. I would have run to him, if my dad wasn't so composed and keeping me paced. 

The ceremony was beautiful. Our memorial candles for Gabriel and Joe were there on the alter with a rose for my aunt Pam (who passed many years ago). Derrick and I both found ourselves watching those candles flicker through much of the service. The service was great, but I was shaking the entire time. I spewed out the last few words as we exchanged vows because I was on the verge of crying. We had some trouble lighting the unity candle, but eventually Derrick just picked it up and lit it which of course caused the entire church to giggle. 

We escorted the guests out instead of a receiving line and made way to our grand exit through all our guests and bubbles blowing. We took family photos outside and made our way to a local bar for a drink. 

Our grand entrance into the reception was fun and upbeat to a black eyes peas song "I gotta feeling". We served wild rice stuffed chicken breast in champagne sauce with potatoes, dinner rolls, ceasar salad and green beans. Our guests enjoyed playing with our kissing menu - singing, demonstrating kisses to copy and playing trivia while we ate. My sisters speech was awesome and funny (I was actually semi surprised how put together it was an how much thought she had put into it) my brothers was sentimental and emotional and had us in tears. 

After dinner we cut into our 4 tier buttercream bakery cake and served eachother a bite using forks - no cake smashing here. The top 3 layers were Strawberry banana (vanilla cake with 2 layers, one with fresh strawberries and the other with a banana cream), the bottom layer was chocolate lovers (chocolate cake with chocolate fudge in the middle layers)

We had our first dance to "a whole new world" by Peoblo Bryson and Regina Belle. Nothing extreme, no practicing here.

 I didn't know what my father daughter dance would be because my dad had picked it out and worked with the Dj himself. About a minute into the song I had a very emotional realization - my father (with the help and backup singing of my sister) had recorded a song for me! "Gotta let go" was the song and I was crying. It was beautiful and amazing, I was so surprised! He even changed some of the words so it was more me. We did fairly well with the dollar dance - I won with the most money brought in (partly because, if people paid $5 or more they could cut in line, I had quite a few of that). Then Derrick and his mom enjoyed a mother/son dance together.

My grandma and grandpa got the bouquet for the anniversary dance - married 55 years!

The garter toss was quick, Derrick got that thing out from under my dress and in his teeth in about 30 seconds flat (we were barely into the "wild thing" song!)  He tossed it only after I had forced more single guys into the group. The bouquet toss was set up, the song "girls wanna have fun" was playing and  I had the flowers untied so when I threw it they flew apart and many ladies got one - surprise! We danced the night away, enjoyed some late night pizzas, and spent time with all our loved ones.

After the Dj stopped playing at 11, we went upstairs and whoever was left went bowling - formal attire and all! It was a blast! I won (of course) but I was the only sober one so it made sense haha! We only played one game before heading up to the bar till bar close. 

Here are some other photos I've seen from the day.  I await the photos from our photographer as well as our friends and family (That's where all the current ones came from already) and I'll post some more as soon as I get them.

Rehearsal

Rehearsal

Getting hairs done :)

Mr Sawyer

Groomsmen

Bridesmaids

Playing "Kissing Menu" games

My sister's toast consisted of a journey into the past, return of my "missing" possessions and photo memories.

Toasting a thank you!

Dollar dance - one of the ushers

At the lanes

I WIN!

After nearly no sleep (it takes forever to get the dress off - holy moly!), we woke up, had breakfast with those in the lobby area, and had our gift opening. 

That evening we headed 3 hours north to Lake Superior to enjoy a couple days as family. We rode the Duluth train, walked around canal park, and took the scenic route to two harbors. It was so much fun and SO relaxing. 

Now we're home, getting used to life as husband and wife. We both agree that it feels different... Very different, but in a good way! We feel stronger, more connected. 

Gabriel and Joe were sorely missed. The sadness surrounding Joe's passing is still very fresh in everyone's heart and mind. Everyone knew his spirit was there with us, and Gabriel too. The sadness never imposed on our day and for that I am grateful. I did almost have a fit when I noticed the candles weren't lit at the reception though!

There were some glitches throughout the day, all were very minor though (wrong shoes for a groomsmen, derricks wrong shirt, missing tux pieces, flowers starting to die, a bridesmaid coming back literally minutes prior to ceremony start, etc). Nothing that was enough to ruin my day though. 

We thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers, well wishes and special messages. And a very special thank you to everyone who made the day possible, made the day perfect, helped out, and came to celebrate. We appreciate each and everyone of you! 

Potter's baby survives...

A couple months ago a woman contacted me who had found my blog. She was 20 weeks pregnant with her first baby, a little girl. She had just gotten a Potters Syndrome diagnosis and was feeling quite devastated. We talked for hours about my journey that day. I was able to answer some questions she had and give her some guidance.

She called me back last week with an update. Her plan changed dramatically after our conversation. At some point she managed to convince a doctor to do radical treatment and try to save her baby. She convinced a doctor to do something that I couldn't convince the doctors to do - infuse fluid into her uterus.

The treatment worked. Her little girl was able to develop all the other necessary organs so that she may live and receive a kidney transplant. She travelled a lot, and very far to receive those infusions. Despite being born 12 weeks premature, her daughter was thriving making her the first known baby to survive this condition.

I prayed hard for her family, the same way I pray for each mom who contacts me - that they have strength and support, and that they receive a miracle. A miracle is exactly what this mom got. 

I have mixed emotions of course. I'm so thrilled that her baby is alive and thriving. It's great to know that my gut instinct was right as far as infusing fluid. It's also sad to think that if I had the means to do what she did and find a doctor to just try, maybe Gabriel would have had a fighting chance. 

Then I see what this family and her baby, Abigail, would have to endure. Surgeries, dialysis, and hospital stays till the transplant. Then continued treatment after that, most likely for the rest of her life. I would have done anything to have Gabriel here, including all of the above. 

Deep down I know Gabriel's life was exactly what it was supposed to be and he's done so much for me that I wouldn't have any other way. I also have no way of knowing if the same process would have worked for Gabriel. Despite all that, I can't help but raise the question: "what if...?"

She's agreed to do a guest blog for me at some point... I can't wait to provide this information and her journey to other parents receiving their diagnosis so they might also have a chance. 

Tragedy Strikes again...

6 weeks ago, Derrick's dad was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia - Stage 5. We knew he didn't have long to live but didn't expect it to be so short either.  After weeks of transfusions and multiple hospital stays, Joe passed away on Thursday, July 18th.  Derrick was able to get there and say good bye before he passed away. I wasn't able to go with him as Sawyer was sick, but I sent a message to Joe for Derrick to give him: "Please tell him to give Gabriel a huge hug and kiss for me." When Derrick gave him the message he definitely acknowledged the request - in the only way a person on incredible pain killers and seeming incoherent. That's when we learned that one of the things he kept saying was that he couldn't wait to get there and find Gabriel. Heart hit hard at that moment.

"Talk so kids will listen. Listen so kids will talk" 

 None the less, the news of his passing hit hard.  On Sunday we went over to his house with the family so each person could get what they wanted.

A little back history for you, for reasons unknown Derrick's dad has always had a fondness and soft spot for our sweet Gabriel.  He had a huge frame with all pictures of our moments with Gabriel.  He had various statues and other framed photos around his home. Of course we inherited all these things. 

Derrick is amidst a very difficult grieving process right now.  We are all learning to live without his father here. Its rough to say the least.

It's very difficult to think about the wedding that is to happen in 3 weeks, knowing that his dad won't be there in person to celebrate with us.  That day will be especially hard given this loss is so recent for Derrick and his family. 

I can update more later about this loss. But I have many other updates to do in the meantime...

How crazy is this life...

I've been telling myself for weeks: "I need to update. I should write a blog tomorrow." Does it happen? Obviously not.  Life is crazy, in fact it's beyond crazy. It's chaos. I don't even know where to begin.

It's summer, so I'm trying to get me and the kids outside as much as possible to enjoy the weather. Some days have been way too hot and humid which makes it unbearable, so those days we stay inside and enjoy the nice cool a/c. But, on those nicer days, we make sure we get out. Some days we go to the zoo, play in Evelyn's kiddy pool, go to a park, go for a walk...

Sawyer and Logan

The boys are 5 1/2 months now, wow that seems so crazy! I feel like I blink and another day is gone. They keep me on my toes and running fast. Much housework gets put on the side burner because the kids don't give me a chance!  Lately they've been fussy, clingy, whiny. They want to eat but then I go to feed them and they don't want it. Logan no longer wants a nuk so he's a little harder to keep content. If one is sleeping then the other is crying, as soon as one stops crying the other starts. Then of course if they are happy Evelyn needs something.  

So, you want to know how they're progressing? Beautifully. Logan loves to stand and will do it for hours if you hold his hands, one time he even tried taking a couple steps. He sits really well and can almost sit on his own. He sleeps much better at night now giving us between 5 and 7 hour stretches. We introduced both boys to food a week ago. Logan would eat oatmeal but obviously didn't like it, he made that clear. He scarfed down sweet potatoes as if it were candy but today I can't get him to touch bananas.  Sawyer is a bit behind his brother. He stands assisted but only for seconds at a time. He sits well but isn't really close to sitting on his own. I only could get a bite or two of oatmeal into Sawyer each feeding, he hated it. He took one or two bites of sweet potatoes but also won't even try the bananas.

Both boys still sleep in their rock n plays in our room. Now that they have been sleeping better at night I'm getting ready to move them into their own room.  The trouble is adjusting them to sleeping flat in their cribs. They don't sleep well like that so the adjustment is rough.  I've tried doing it little by little during nap times, but they just don't do well. I'll probably start by moving their rock n plays into their room at night for them to sleep in, when they are sleeping better at nap times in their cribs I can start that process at night.  Part of me thinks their room is unfamiliar territory for them and therefore a little scary. 

Miss Evelyn

Evelyn is so amazing. She loves her brothers so much. "Him laughin at me", "him crying", "baby grabbing feet". She always makes sure they have toys to play with and blankets to snuggle. Of course she inadvertently nearly smothers them in the blankets, but she doesn't mean too. She gives them tons of hugs and kisses, it captures my heart every time. She turned 3 on the 18th. I can't believe how big she's gotten. We just had a really small party at our house because we're obviously not up for planning a big party right now, grilling hot dogs and hamburgers, cake and melted ice cream. We all sat outside and the kids played.  Last night she spiked her 2nd fever ever. I don't know where it came from but at 7pm her temp was 101.0, by 11pm she was at 102.8. At midnight her and daddy ended up on the couch downstairs where they slept all night. At 8am she was down to 100.8. She has been doing great all day so whatever infection got her, she was able to fight it off.  As a child my favorite book was always Dr Suess' "The Foot Book".  Well, this has proven to be Evelyn's favorite too, although she makes us read many many books to her each day.  The other day she was reading to one of her grandma's, I guess she's managed to memorize much of the book already!  She's also learning her colors, ABC's and counting. She can almost sing the whole ABCs now and can write about 5 letters.  She counts to 10 but always skips 5, I really don't know what she has against the number 5. She knows most of her main colors: blue, pink, red, orange, yellow, green, black... She knows some shapes like stars, circles, and hearts. She's learning so much lately.

Cloth Diapering

We have stuck with cloth diapering the boys, and Derrick has even said he likes it!  Some days, when I don't have time to do laundry, they end up in disposables... Every single time we do, they have a poo-spolosion.  Its terrible. I try my best to keep them out of disposables for that reason alone.  Logan blew out of a cloth diaper yesterday, but I couldn't expect any diaper to hold in that much poo!  I could use more supplies in my rotation. As it stands right now I HAVE to do diaper laundry every other day, if I don't or I wait till the next morning I end up running out.  It'd be ok but sometimes the kids just don't let me get to the diaper laundry.  Evelyn is rockin and rollin on her potty.  She rarely has a diaper on anymore besides nighttime. We are weaning her off night sippy cups in hopes of getting her night trained as well.  We still have trouble with pooping on the potty, but she's making progress.  Recently she's taken a liking to the sticker reward method a little bit, so we've been trying that.

Eating and Breastfeeding

We've introduced a little bit of solids to the boys. I intended to wait until they hit 6 months but they were starting to be interested in what we were eating - so we thought we'd give it a try.  Neither really liked oatmeal, Logan liked Sweet Potatoes but Sawyer wasn't into it.  Neither will even try bananas. It's a good thing solids aren't mandatory at this age because they really aren't having any part of it.  I'll keep gently trying and hopefully, eventually, they'll come around.  During the day they still eat every 2-3 hours, but we're getting much longer stretches at night. We haven't had to introduce any formula up to this point, however I do think I'm going to supplement one feeding a day so I can pump and build my stash up a bit before the wedding.  I hate to supplement formula even for one feeding because I've been really proud to be able to exclusively breastfeed for so long, but I need a stash built for the wedding or else I'm going to find myself breastfeeding the whole day!  But so far breastfeeding has been going really well, its not easy but its definitely been doable.  I enjoy having that time with each of them.  I never tandem feed anymore, I just didn't like it.  It was clumsy and difficult and I spent the entire time relatching, adjusting and hoping Evelyn didn't need either of my hands for anything.  At least by doing one at a time I am able to have that one on one time with each baby, and have a spare hand incase Evelyn needs something or my phone rings.

Wedding wedding wedding

On top of the kids keeping me busy, I've been crazy planning this wedding that's coming SO quick!  It's only like 6 weeks away - YIKES!  I don't have that much to do I guess, just a lot of little things. Many small errands that need to be run.  I guess it's just a matter of making time for it all... Which time is not an easy thing to come by with 3 little ones running around!

Missing Gabriel

I've been thinking of Gabriel a lot more lately.  I miss him terribly.  He'd be a year and a half right now, possibly the perfect age for summer activities.  I can't get out to be near him as often as I'd like to, I'm so wrapped up at home. I do talk to him a lot and tell him all the fun things he'd be enjoying right now.  I see other kids around the age he would be and it hits my heart hard.  Even when I look at his pictures or randomly come across one it makes my eyes get all watery and my heart stings a little.  I wish he was here, I wish he could be enjoying all the blessings life has to offer. I wish I didn't have a candle in his memory for the church and hall. I wish I didn't have a special table planned for the reception.  I'd so much rather have him there, in person, dancing and laughing with us. I would love to get him an adorable little tux to wear... Perhaps I'll cut a piece off his blanket and have it sewn into my dress, I'm sure my seamstress wouldn't mind.  I wouldn't be completely heartbroken over a missing piece because he had a couple different blankets wrapped around him the day he was born. I wish I had an article of my grandfather's clothing to do the same with... But I don't.  My mom gave me a daffodil clip to incorporate too, I think I'll clip it into my bouquet.  Daffodil is one of the December birth flowers, it represents the promise of a brighter future (spring), so much significance in one little flower clip.


Here's some photos from recently.

Pure Beauty

Sawyer 5 months old

Logan loves his feet!

Logan always eats his hands

Baptism

Camp Ice Age - Mall of America

Happy 4th of July!