Missing him.

Someone once told me something after Gabriel was born that I've kept with me throughout our journey. A little piece of wisdom that has stuck with me from the very beginning.  When you are pregnant, you share blood, cells, and other things with your baby. Those things stay in your system for life. So for the rest of my time here on earth I will carry a small part of Gabriel (and all of my kids) with me everywhere I go.

This bit of information, this thought, has carried me through some of the roughest days. As I continue to plow through those rough days with that thought in my mind, I know I can keep going.  I don't know if it's actually a fact.  I don't know if they could even scientifically prove that. But I will live the rest of my days believing that a part of him is still physically with me everywhere I go.

With his birthday coming quick and plans in the works, I struggle daily and think about him with every minute that goes by.  From the outside it may seem that I'm wrapped up in the tantrums and crazy that is a 3 year old, or the chaos that comes when you enter twin territory. But inside I am wrapped up in Gabriel. So as I forget things, seem too busy, ignore your texts and calls; please understand that I might be having a quiet moment to myself dreaming of who he may have become.

One day last week I wondered: Will it always be this tough? Will I ever get to just "move on"? I know from my amazing support group that it doesn't work that way. I will always have moments of sadness that will consume my whole heart. The year he should be starting kindergarden, the year he would be entering high school, driving, graduating... Those anniversary dates will never go away. I just need to feel each day out as it comes and go with it.  Then someone shared with me a story about her grandmother. After she passed away they had found toys in the top drawer of her dresser, toys she kept that belonged to a son she lost... She kept them with her all the days of her life, till there were no more.  That story hit home, I want that to be me. I want my kids to find belongings that were his, for them to always know that I never forgot about him. And so they'll know that after so long, I've finally been reunited with him. I want to be the 90 year old woman who continues to love and honor my son.

SIDEBAR: 

I'm going to curse myself by updating with this post...

Last night we received a small blessing.  The boys both slept from 1am till 8am (Sawyer) and 9am (Logan). 7 hours straight, at the same time... I feel like a whole new woman.

I'll post more of an update about the kids in a couple days, when the boys turn TEN MONTHS OLD!