24 weeks, a long update, and the greiving process continues.

A long awaited update :)

Last week we hit 24 weeks, we also reached 100 days or less till the babies get here.  24 weeks is viability. At least 50% of babies born around this time can survive.  This is a pretty big milestone! The babies need to stay put for quite awhile longer, but at least they would have a fighting chance if they HAD to be born today.

At our 24 week appointment they also scheduled me for a growth scan.  The babies looked great!  Baby B is breech and measuring 24 weeks 3 days. Baby A however, has fallen further behind.  He is now measuring 23 weeks 3 days (a full week smaller).  I realize its only a matter of ounces at this point, but this is the baby that has given us so much worry this whole time... I was told by another twin momma not to worry till they get closer to 2 weeks difference in size. Seeing as how my doctor hasn't called me with concern I'm going to take that advice.

This last Saturday, we popped over and saw our friends at Enlightened 4d Imaging.  We got to see the babies in 3D!  We did this with Evelyn and tried to do it with Gabriel (Gabriel's didn't work since he had no fluid) but it worked ok with the twins. There's so many body parts and squishy baby peices that it was a little tough!  But we got some.

Poor little baby A is really squished in there!  He's buried way down deep in my left hip with his face pressed against the membrane that separates the two babies.  It was really tough to get good pictures of him, they certainly tried and tried though!

Baby B is in a much better position for pictures! At first he had his arm/hand covering his face but soon enough they got it to move for some great shots!

Here's a picture of them together if you can pick out the baby parts! 

 

 

I'm worried that poor baby A is gonna come out all bruised up!  Baby B's feet are right in his head and at every ultrasound he is kicking is brother in the face. You can even watch as baby A's head gets pushed to the side with each kick.  Is it possible for them to bruise eachother in there? Guess we'll find out soon enough!

 

 

Then, yesterday, I went and had maternity photos done with a friend of mine. She is a wonderful photographer who got a lot of really great pictures!  I can't pick favorites but I'll sure try!  

 

 

A huge huge thank you to Jessica Ruckowski Photography for taking such wonderful photos!  I can't wait for our next shoot together when I'm HUGE and Derrick and Evelyn can join us!  



Greiving

In 3 days Gabriel would turn 11 months old... Hard to believe that was 11 months ago. Its amazing to me how much has changed in that time and how much he still remains a huge part of our lives. I've sort of changed my tune though.  I was planning to do a huge gathering for his birthday, but now I think I'm just going to not plan anything. This could change, but I feel like his funeral was so small and personal his birthday should be too.   I have many more years that I can do something big for him.

We never really did just blurt out about our pregnancy.  We've sort of let people figure it out on their own (aside from our wondeful blog followers who knew right away).  As people find out I get asked a lot of "ackward" questions.  "So is this your first one?"  Me: "No, this is my third time through, but these will be living children numbers 2 & 3."   Another one I get a lot is "So how many kids is this for you?"  Me:  "This will be babies 3 and 4, living children numbers 2 and 3."  I find this is a subtle way to acknowledge Gabriel as my son, not make it so depressing for others and really ease into our story for those that don't know already. 

I attended my favorite support group last week where I was able to get out some emotions I've been struggling with and didn't understand - lucky for me I have found a wonderful group of people who do understand and can help me comprehend.  Its weird and I still don't really understand why I'm feeling this way.    Last year at this time we had known we were going to keep Gabriel with us till term.  We started to dread his impending birthday and started realizing how little time we had with our tiny baby.  Lately, I've been feeling dread over the impending twins birthday.  The confusing part is that this birthday should be a happy one, it should be an exciting one. Why do I feel dread? Why do I feel scared and worried?  The only thing I can think is that my brain/emotions seem to be resorting back to this stage of pregnancy at this time last year. Perhaps I'm feeling dread because last time I gave birth I didn't get to bring home a baby to show for it.  Perhaps its my subtle way of protecting my heart.

As excited as I am for the twins, I can't help but worry that something could still go wrong, that in the end I may not end up with both babies, that perhaps I'll be leaving empty handed yet again.  I notice I have struggled to truly "bond" with these babies like I did Evelyn.  Again, my way of protecting myself? Maybe.  Don't get me wrong, I love these babies, I can't wait till they are here and safely in my arms. I love feeling them move and kick and play (despite my terrible vision of baby A getting kicked in the face).  I just don't feel as attached to them as I have in previous pregnancies. Doesn't mean I love them any less, just means my heart doesn't want to be broken again.

But for now, I love my babies and I can't wait till they are here and in my arms, breathing, crying, pooping and snuggling. The emotional rollercoaster continues, and I'm just along for the ride.