Missing him.

Someone once told me something after Gabriel was born that I've kept with me throughout our journey. A little piece of wisdom that has stuck with me from the very beginning.  When you are pregnant, you share blood, cells, and other things with your baby. Those things stay in your system for life. So for the rest of my time here on earth I will carry a small part of Gabriel (and all of my kids) with me everywhere I go.

This bit of information, this thought, has carried me through some of the roughest days. As I continue to plow through those rough days with that thought in my mind, I know I can keep going.  I don't know if it's actually a fact.  I don't know if they could even scientifically prove that. But I will live the rest of my days believing that a part of him is still physically with me everywhere I go.

With his birthday coming quick and plans in the works, I struggle daily and think about him with every minute that goes by.  From the outside it may seem that I'm wrapped up in the tantrums and crazy that is a 3 year old, or the chaos that comes when you enter twin territory. But inside I am wrapped up in Gabriel. So as I forget things, seem too busy, ignore your texts and calls; please understand that I might be having a quiet moment to myself dreaming of who he may have become.

One day last week I wondered: Will it always be this tough? Will I ever get to just "move on"? I know from my amazing support group that it doesn't work that way. I will always have moments of sadness that will consume my whole heart. The year he should be starting kindergarden, the year he would be entering high school, driving, graduating... Those anniversary dates will never go away. I just need to feel each day out as it comes and go with it.  Then someone shared with me a story about her grandmother. After she passed away they had found toys in the top drawer of her dresser, toys she kept that belonged to a son she lost... She kept them with her all the days of her life, till there were no more.  That story hit home, I want that to be me. I want my kids to find belongings that were his, for them to always know that I never forgot about him. And so they'll know that after so long, I've finally been reunited with him. I want to be the 90 year old woman who continues to love and honor my son.

SIDEBAR: 

I'm going to curse myself by updating with this post...

Last night we received a small blessing.  The boys both slept from 1am till 8am (Sawyer) and 9am (Logan). 7 hours straight, at the same time... I feel like a whole new woman.

I'll post more of an update about the kids in a couple days, when the boys turn TEN MONTHS OLD!

Updating

I'm sitting in my van, bored with nothing I can do. Why you ask? Because I really needed to go to the store, when I got there all 3 kids were sleeping, and its cold with rain. I refuse to haul 3 sleeping kids out in the rain... So even though I'm home, I'm trapped in my van and bored. If you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you've done it too! I do this all the time, where do you think I find time to update my blog?! 

So onto some updates. We're doing good here. As good as we can be with a 3 year old smarty pants and two 9 month old boys who don't sleep through the night, not even close. 

Two weeks ago Logan spiked a 103 fever and the next day popped out two bottom teeth. Ouch. This week it's Sawyer's turn. On Friday he spiked a 102 fever and is pushing through his two bottom teeth. Also on Friday Evelyn was diagnosed with pink eye and put on medication.  It's fun times in our house right now. I will say this though, the last month or so Logan has been a grump. A grouch. A Cranky McCrankerson. But, since popping through those teeth he has found his smile again. It warms my heart and brightens my day. Sawyer has pretty much kept his smile and giggle - little turd.  

Both boys are just on the verge of crawling now, Logan has figured out he can, he just has to get coordinated haha! 

Halloween was chaotic. After dropping daddy off at work I came home to dress the kids up. The boy's bear costumes (that fit last week) didn't fit. Nope, not even close. I got Evelyn ready to go and we went for lunch at daddy's work. While eating I had a thought: if I cut the bear costume in two at the waist, it'll become a sweatshirt... I had sweatpants to match... I knew this would end in disaster. It didn't! It totally worked and the kids looked so cute! We drove 25 minutes to my sisters, 25 minutes to my dad's, 10 minutes to a friend's house, 30 minutes to my grandma's, 15 to pick daddy up from work, stopped by his boss' house and then his mom's. The kids were angry by then and completely over it. I was too. I lugged 3 kids across many miles by myself. They were angry, but I was exhausted.

On Friday I had an emotional time. A dear friend's son (same age as the boys) was seriously injured at daycare. He hit his head and was unresponsive. Mom had a long drive to the hospital where he was airlifted to, unconscious and intubated. My heart stopped. "Oh god, please do not take her baby boy, please do not make her endure that kind of pain, heal him... Please." My stomach was in my throat the entire day, I worried and cried and talked to Gabriel the whole time. "Be there with that sweet boy, if you can heal or comfort him please do. Put your sweet hand on that mommas heart and give her strength. Give her the hug I wish I could give her myself." A bunch of us got together and thought out plans to get supplies to her. A friend of mine from outside of the group thoughtfully picked up and delivered dinner to the hospital for us. I couldn't stop the tears from coming, especially seeing photos and updates. That night, right before I clocked into work, an update was posted that he woke up! Perfect timing and perfect start to my night at work. He's been progressing ever since. 

It was a tough day, knowing her and that her son was so seriously injured was scary, devastating, heartbreaking. I wanted to step away from it, hide my heart from hurting. I couldn't do that though, I needed to continue to pray for him and see how he's doing. I needed to watch for an update, good or bad. 

Breastfeeding: it's coming to an end pretty rapidly. We are supplementing about 50% of the time now. My supply is tanking and nothing I'm doing is helping. I've lost a few more pounds that I worked incredibly hard to put back on. I'm certain they'll be completely weaned before they hit 10 months. Maybe I'll regain some energy! 

Cloth diapers finally caught up to me this week. With Halloween and other things I fell extremely behind on any and all housework. I actually went out and bought sposies because I ran out of cloth... Oops. Derrick was able to catch up on much of the housework and even did the cloth diapers this weekend, thanking my lucky stars for that - my house was a wreck! 

Well, the boys are starting to squirm in their car seats so I better get running again, quite literally. 

Take care!