As we quickly approach 24 weeks, we are beginning to feel like an end to this chapter in our lives is near. Although we realize it will be a part of us forever, we are preparing to say goodbye and begin the rest of our lives.
My doula, Marnie, is amazing. She was amazing when Evelyn was born, and she continues to be amazing even during this time in our lives. She got in touch with a lady who runs a pregnancy loss support group, we considered trying to get into the group before we deliver Gabriel for "pre-support" so to speak, but there is concern about the effect that might have on the other ladies in the group - which is totally understandable. But, she is wanting to sit down and talk about a birth plan with us. Make sure we have all our options and information so we know what we can ask to happen. I've thought about a birth plan, but Evelyn's was so much easier and more exciting to write. It seems that with this one, I don't know where to start, I can't focus on it long enough to try to figure it out. So next Tuesday Marnie and I are going to meet with her at United Hospital to talk about those things. Derrick won't be able to go because he has to work, but I figure I can just bring all the information home for us to go over together.
I also got in touch with Maggie the Genetic Counselor we met with (who has also been an amazing resourse for us). We asked her to help us get a second opinion via ultrasound. The clinic had no problem setting that up for us. I just explained that we aren't comfortable moving forward with an induction when we've only gotten one look and they totally understood. The new doctor said that with the amount of time that has passed since our last ultrasound its totally acceptable to do another one for us anyways, so we are just waiting to set the appointment for the second look.
We've also decided that we will have Gabriel burried in the cemetary close to our house. It will be convenient for us to get there whenever we want, especially since its within walking distance for Derrick. We think that its in our best interest to make it most convenient for us for the near future. The baby section of the cemetary is "Garden of Angels" and is very nice. I can drive down highway 94 and almost see the cemetary, giving me the opportunity to think of Gabriel everytime I do so.
Little by little we are getting ready to say our goodbyes. We feel like dragging this on longer is only delaying the inevitable... We are blessed to have the opportunity to prepare in advance and for that we are so grateful,but in some ways we feel like we don't want this dragging on forever. I do feel like I'm being given all the resources to be as informed as possible by the amazing support group I have helping me. It helps make the process a little easier to have all the information and research available to me by those around me, and to have them so willing to help get that information to us.
Honestly, my biggest fear right now is the induction process. It can take up to 20 hours for pitocin to start to work (after that it only will be about 2 hours till Gabriel is born). But sitting in the hospital, waiting that 20 hours (possibly), knowing what we are doing... thats the part I'm dreading the most. Even saying our final goodbyes doesn't seem as bad as that anticipation. Although I know I will have Derrick, Marnie and probably other loved ones there with me, it seems like the worst 20 hours of my life is in the darkness just waiting for me. How do I get over the fear of that time? I'm not really sure at this point. I guess I'm just hoping it will just come to me somehow.