Its crazy to think that it's been 7 years since I kissed Gabriel's face. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. It's hard to explain, I feel like it's been so so long since I've looked over his features, but my heart hurts like a fresh wound.
Two weeks ago I was digging through photo boxes and found his ultrasounds. I dont know why they were in photo boxes instead of with all his other things, but that was my reminder that his birthday was approaching. I put them in his memory box where they should have been to begin with.
I didn't dread this day like I have in years past. In fact, I managed to push it out of my head for the most part. I even worked this morning, I was able to mostly contain my emotions. But when I realized his Christmas lights for his tree had been chewed by a squirrel last year, panic ensued at the store when I couldnt find new solar lights.
Lucky for me I called my husband who assured me that battery operated lights would work just fine for now. I came home, decorated his tree as I do every year.
The kids had a hard time figuring it all out this year. Evelyn cried on the way to the cemetary because she wishes she had gotten to know her brother. The boys still dont totally understand what it all means, but they kept saying they wish they got to remember him.
When we got to the cemetary they had removed the post I put out so we could find him after snow fell.... panic again. Where is he buried! All around - fresh unstepped on snow. All headstones are flat there. We began digging and I walked right to the spot where his neighbor is. Whew, crisis diverted. We lit his tree, a couple candles and put put a few decorations. The kids has asked to sing him happy birthday, so we did.
The ride home, emotions hit. My heart ached and I tried my best not to cry. I played my Gabriel music playlist in the shower and let my emotions flow.
I'm going to bed tonight thinking of my angel. I hope he comes to see me in my dreams. <3 p="">
