Proud

On Gabriel's birthday I had put a status on my Facebook profile, like I always do.  Something acknowledging Gabriel's day.  Of course the loving and supportive comments come flowing shortly after, it's always easier to get through a tough day when you have constant reminders sporadically placed throughout the day that let you know people love you and are thinking of you.

There was one specific comment that really got me thinking.  It was late afternoon when I saw this specific comment, it read "your mommy and daddy are so proud of you...." with some other sentimental words following it.  This simple comment got me thinking in a way I haven't thought in a long time. In fact, I've thought about this one comment for days.  I started pondering exactly why this comment touched me and  it's meaning, I quickly realized that although I hadn't thought of it that way, it's truth. 

 

I AM proud of him.  I'm proud of everything he accomplished in his short life, both inside and outside his womb.  I'm proud of all the lives he's touched, all the people's hearts that have wept for him and celebrated him.  I'm proud of all the lessons he's brought into people's lives all around the world.  He only lived a short life, extremely short, but he made huge waves.  

 

I'm proud of who he's made me. I'm a completely different person than I was before I met him.  I tend to be more sad, emotional, and on edge but  I also tend to be more understanding of strangers untold stories and struggles.  I have grown to look in people's eyes and heart instead of focusing on what anger or upset is streaming from their face.  I strive to want to give and have found myself completely surrounded in this "loss community", a place where I feel comfortable, confident and understood. Nobody wishes to be a member, but when you are forced into it, it's a wonderful community to be in.

 

I always show his photos to everyone and anyone who is willing to see them, I show him off with pride the same way I show off my other kids.  I never thought about it this way before, but yes I am proud.  I'm happy to have him a part of my life's journey, even if it's a sad chapter and sometimes tears me down, he's made me who I am today.  I may not have gotten to raise him into a child and a man, but he' s certainly raised me  from who I was 3 years ago to who I am now. 

During the 5 days I've pondered this comment, I saw a beautiful poem online.  I can't find or even quote this poem right now, but the poem really solidified what I've been thinking. Something in these thoughts has changed my thought process.  I will no longer hesitate when people ask the dreaded question "How many children do you have?" because my answer is firm. 

 

"I am the proud momma of 4 beautiful babies, 3 that can run and 1 that can fly."

 

I'm so proud of you little man. Thank you for all you continue to do.

His birthday is rapidly approaching

It's been awhile since I've updated. Life has been pretty busy with various illnesses, school, work and other regular life activities.  Halloween has passed, Thanksgiving has passed, and now December is upon us.  This is a time of year that is especially rough for us.  With Gabriel's birthday to start the month, then Christmas which is always a tough time - remembering that we don't get to celebrate with him, and then the new year (which lets face it, can be a bit scary), it can be rough.

Gabriel's birthday is in 1 week. He'd be 3 years old now. It's unbelievable that it's been nearly 3 years since I held our first son. It's been nearly 3 years since I stared at his perfect little face.  I can't believe how fast the 3 years has gone by, but I guess in a growing family time goes quickly. So much has changed.  Our lives have been in a whirlwind, but soon I hope it will slow down so we can enjoy life a little more. I just feel like things are constantly changing, constantly happening and the world keeps spinning faster and faster.  Eventually it starts to feel a bit out of control.  In those moments I know I can go to the cemetery and be near Gabriel, where the world is quiet once more and everything seems to stand still - only for a moment in time.

Just in time for Gabriel's 3rd birthday, I've decided to volunteer my time with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  They are the organization filled with volunteer photographers who go out to take photos for families who have lost a child. They are the organization that connected me with a photographer who captured every second of Gabriel's short life and many moments after.  Surprisingly to start out, I will not be taking photos.  I will be volunteering my time in the community, recruiting, connecting families with photographers and making sure hospitals have all the tools they need to offer this service to families.  After I've worked on my low light photography skills I will eventually move into being a photographer for them, just not yet.  I hope to be in that place before Gabriel's 4th birthday. Tomorrow I will meet with the recruiter to get everything set up and going.  It's taken 3 years to get to  a place where I can finally give back.  It isn't easy knowing the field I'll be volunteering in and the situations I may face. In my heart though, I know it's what I need to do. I have wanted to help for so long, and now I'm finally able to.  And eventually, I'll be able to use my photography skills to benefit these families even more.

Evelyn is growing up so fast, I can't blink these days or I might miss something.  She mentions Gabriel sometimes. Most recently we were all hanging out on the couch and Evelyn was scared.  Derrick explained that she has angels watching over her and she doesn't need to be scared, Evelyn's response, ever so innocently was "Like Gabriel?".  Yup like Gabriel *cue tears*.  I nearly lost it whens she said it.  It was an emotional time, her realizing that Gabriel is an angel and lives with Jesus, and she's starting to understand what that means.  It's always interesting to me to hear her speak of him and the way she understands him. It'll be more interesting to hear how the boys view him, as Evelyn and the boys have very different relationships with him.

This time of year, Gabriel is always on my mind.  I never forget him and I know he is with me all the time.  Thinking of him and who he would be consumes my heart and mind, I will never stop thinking of him and loving him.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day... Again.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day hits us once again.  I had planned to do a walk again this year, but opted not too. I didn't know why, I just didn't feel like it. Later I would discover why. 

At some point in the morning I heard that the Lowry Bridge in Minneapolis was getting lit up pink and blue for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Of course I knew I had to go and of course take photos. Clearly this was the reason I wasn't supposed to go to the walk this year. 

We participated in the Wave of Light movement again, this year instead of lighting a candle at our house, we opted to light one at the cemetery. We did that before I headed out to the bridge to take photos.  I was feeling strong all day, I've been pretty good all month, until we lit his candle.  Suddenly he tugged at my heart strings again. 

The 15th also means I'm 1/2 way through a photo challenge I am doing called "capture your grief".   It's a carlymarie project and I am loving it.  I'll post all the photos on the 31st and I also plan to make it into a photo book I can keep around the house.  It's been very therapeutic for me to do this month.  It's also been catching a lot of attention from my FB friends who are seeing our journey instead of just reading it.

Grieving and Healing

Updates to what's going on in our lives lately.

A week and a half ago I received a text message that I hoped I'd never receive.  A friend, nearly 20 weeks pregnant, lost her baby.  I was heartbroken.  Grateful that she thought to text me right away, happy to help her through the process, but still heartbroken.  Nobody should ever have to live the horrible reality that is losing a child.  She's a strong one, she's taking the journey step by step.  I'm glad she's turned to me for help as it's part of my healing process too.

This last weekend we went back to Faith's Lodge with Nickolas' Gift support group.  It was amazing to be back and focusing on Gabriel again.  When we arrived, the first thing we did was look for our rock that we painted last year.  We remembered exactly where we placed it, but sadly couldn't find it.

The next morning a friend and I returned to Sophia's Bridge and thankfully found Gabriel's rock, buried under brush and soot.  I had to find it, it was breaking my heart to think it had disappeared.  A part of me wanted to grab it and bring it home so it wouldn't get lost again, but in the end I knew it should stay where it belongs - along side hundreds of other angel's heart rocks.

We did a lot of arts and crafts in memory of Gabriel: wood burning, birdhouse, magnets, pumpkins and more.  It's so healing to be able to say and write his name over and over around people who "get it". People who will never think twice about it.  Leaving is always hard, it's a place I could stay forever.    I'll post some photos I took while I was there at the end of this post.

Molly Bears is a site where you can order a teddy bear that weighs as much as your baby weighed at birth, it's geared specifically for parents who have lost a baby under 12 months old.  They are a non-profit and very overwhelmed by the number of requests they receive so they only open their waiting list for 1 day and up to 200 bears each month. I've tried for months and months to get on the list but I always get on too late, after the 200 bears limit is reached. But not this month, this month I saw it right away and got my order in!  It's a long wait for a bear, 6-9 months I believe.  I'm just grateful to have finally got my request in!

http://www.mollybears.com


Here's some photos from our weekend away :)

Good things do happen.

I write this as I sob, uncontrollably but passionately. Happy tears, happier tears than I've felt in a long time. 

Last night I went to group. I had missed a session or two (I lose track of days easily these days) so I had much to talk about. Losing Gabriel's hair, the anniversary dates, and other things. Hard things.  I mentioned that I hadn't come to terms with knowing his hair is gone. I sort of pushed it under the rug to deal with on a day that I was in a better place to deal. 

After all this time I really thought it was long gone... But alas I FOUND GABRIEL'S HAIR TODAY!!! I had to do a double and a triple take, but it was real!  I couldn't believe it! 

I instantly cried, hard. I sat there sobbing on my bedroom floor. Pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I gently sniffed it, it still harbors his scent (or maybe it's just that engrained in my memory bank).  It's still here, the last physical piece of him is still mine!

And of course, it's in my immediate plan to find a much safer way to store this!

Anniversary realizations

A few weeks ago I downloaded the TimeHop app. It goes back in time each day to your Facebook and shows you what statuses you posted that day in years past. 

Today was an exciting one as I read through statuses that all lead back to the wedding, today was our 1 year anniversary. 

TimeHop Abe showed me something interesting I never realized before. 3 years ago today we found out there was something wrong with our baby. Unknowingly we selected this day as our wedding anniversary because 11 years ago today marks the day we first met. I never realized that this day was so intimately connected to Gabriel as well. 

At first I was kind of saddened by that news. But a friend told me this: it's as if Gabriel wanted this day to be a happy one instead of a sad one. 

Then my sadness turned. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss/Infertility Awareness Wraps

As I've mentioned before, I began a new chapter in my life as a Jamberry Consultant.  I loved their nail wraps the moment I put them on my nails and knew at that moment I was hooked.

Recently I created a custom wrap design in their Nail Art Studio to support Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Infertility Awareness.  100% of my commission will be donated to Prenatal Partners for Life and Nickolas' Gift.  Two amazing and wonderful organizations.  Both offer support and care packages to families experiencing the loss of their child.  Prenatal Partners for Life is the organization that not only sent me care packages before and after Gabriel was born, but also paid for his headstone at the cemetery.  Nickolas' Gift has provided unmatched love and support in the grieving process.

Here is the nail design

I am doing it as a bulk order,  I will be placing the order so that nobody has to pay shipping on them, no later than August 20th.

If you don't know what Jamberry Nail Wraps are, I'm including some brief information below. If you have any questions or are interested in getting some wraps to help support a great cause, send me an email to samakasrc@gmail.com and I'd be happy to help you.  The more money we can donate the better!