Grieving and Healing

Updates to what's going on in our lives lately.

A week and a half ago I received a text message that I hoped I'd never receive.  A friend, nearly 20 weeks pregnant, lost her baby.  I was heartbroken.  Grateful that she thought to text me right away, happy to help her through the process, but still heartbroken.  Nobody should ever have to live the horrible reality that is losing a child.  She's a strong one, she's taking the journey step by step.  I'm glad she's turned to me for help as it's part of my healing process too.

This last weekend we went back to Faith's Lodge with Nickolas' Gift support group.  It was amazing to be back and focusing on Gabriel again.  When we arrived, the first thing we did was look for our rock that we painted last year.  We remembered exactly where we placed it, but sadly couldn't find it.

The next morning a friend and I returned to Sophia's Bridge and thankfully found Gabriel's rock, buried under brush and soot.  I had to find it, it was breaking my heart to think it had disappeared.  A part of me wanted to grab it and bring it home so it wouldn't get lost again, but in the end I knew it should stay where it belongs - along side hundreds of other angel's heart rocks.

We did a lot of arts and crafts in memory of Gabriel: wood burning, birdhouse, magnets, pumpkins and more.  It's so healing to be able to say and write his name over and over around people who "get it". People who will never think twice about it.  Leaving is always hard, it's a place I could stay forever.    I'll post some photos I took while I was there at the end of this post.

Molly Bears is a site where you can order a teddy bear that weighs as much as your baby weighed at birth, it's geared specifically for parents who have lost a baby under 12 months old.  They are a non-profit and very overwhelmed by the number of requests they receive so they only open their waiting list for 1 day and up to 200 bears each month. I've tried for months and months to get on the list but I always get on too late, after the 200 bears limit is reached. But not this month, this month I saw it right away and got my order in!  It's a long wait for a bear, 6-9 months I believe.  I'm just grateful to have finally got my request in!

http://www.mollybears.com


Here's some photos from our weekend away :)

Good things do happen.

I write this as I sob, uncontrollably but passionately. Happy tears, happier tears than I've felt in a long time. 

Last night I went to group. I had missed a session or two (I lose track of days easily these days) so I had much to talk about. Losing Gabriel's hair, the anniversary dates, and other things. Hard things.  I mentioned that I hadn't come to terms with knowing his hair is gone. I sort of pushed it under the rug to deal with on a day that I was in a better place to deal. 

After all this time I really thought it was long gone... But alas I FOUND GABRIEL'S HAIR TODAY!!! I had to do a double and a triple take, but it was real!  I couldn't believe it! 

I instantly cried, hard. I sat there sobbing on my bedroom floor. Pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I gently sniffed it, it still harbors his scent (or maybe it's just that engrained in my memory bank).  It's still here, the last physical piece of him is still mine!

And of course, it's in my immediate plan to find a much safer way to store this!

Anniversary realizations

A few weeks ago I downloaded the TimeHop app. It goes back in time each day to your Facebook and shows you what statuses you posted that day in years past. 

Today was an exciting one as I read through statuses that all lead back to the wedding, today was our 1 year anniversary. 

TimeHop Abe showed me something interesting I never realized before. 3 years ago today we found out there was something wrong with our baby. Unknowingly we selected this day as our wedding anniversary because 11 years ago today marks the day we first met. I never realized that this day was so intimately connected to Gabriel as well. 

At first I was kind of saddened by that news. But a friend told me this: it's as if Gabriel wanted this day to be a happy one instead of a sad one. 

Then my sadness turned. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss/Infertility Awareness Wraps

As I've mentioned before, I began a new chapter in my life as a Jamberry Consultant.  I loved their nail wraps the moment I put them on my nails and knew at that moment I was hooked.

Recently I created a custom wrap design in their Nail Art Studio to support Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Infertility Awareness.  100% of my commission will be donated to Prenatal Partners for Life and Nickolas' Gift.  Two amazing and wonderful organizations.  Both offer support and care packages to families experiencing the loss of their child.  Prenatal Partners for Life is the organization that not only sent me care packages before and after Gabriel was born, but also paid for his headstone at the cemetery.  Nickolas' Gift has provided unmatched love and support in the grieving process.

Here is the nail design

I am doing it as a bulk order,  I will be placing the order so that nobody has to pay shipping on them, no later than August 20th.

If you don't know what Jamberry Nail Wraps are, I'm including some brief information below. If you have any questions or are interested in getting some wraps to help support a great cause, send me an email to samakasrc@gmail.com and I'd be happy to help you.  The more money we can donate the better!

My reality

There are certain things about my reality, that nobody should ever have to deal with. In a few short weeks, Miss E will be starting preschool. While this is bitter sweet for me, she's extremely excited. 

Over the course of the last few weeks, we've received countless letters from the school. Some about the schedule, more money they need, school supplies and orientation invitations. Today we received a letter from her teachers, it was really sweet and on the back showed photos of them and some things about them. Evelyn was excited to see the face of her teacher. Finally a name and face: Mrs Sandy. 

Along with this letter was a "student star!" Form. Apparently these forms (with a photo attached) will be put into a book. Each week a student gets to take the book home to learn about their fellow classmates. 

It's all basic information: name, birthday, age, likes, etc. But there's always one thing...

 "I have _____ people in my family, their names are _____."

Of course my instant thought was "do I include Gabriel or not?" This is a common problem I face everyday as I meet people, I have figured out the answer - if I will see them again, I include him. If I won't see them again, then I don't. 

By that rule, since I'll see them all again, I should include him. Besides, it's a chance for her teachers and other parents to know about him and that we include him in our family. Next to his name I would include "... (He lives with Jesus)" since it's a religious school.

 On the other hand, this is going to 4 year olds. They will probably be confused and bring up uncomfortable questions to their parents, who would then be struggling to find a way to explain death to their innocent little kids.  

So what do I do? And why on earth was I dealt the hand that has to deal with things like this? I spent countless hours today pondering which way to go. 

I don't know what I'll do yet. I've left the line blank and will likely talk to her teachers about it at orientation. I can't decide, and a part of me is hoping they'll decide for me. Although I'm a little scared of what they may say. I find often times people don't think before they speak.  Hopefully they'll be kind and let me down gently, because in my heart I really want to include his name. 

 

They lost it.

Evelyn came walking up to me with the tiny little glass container that once held a tiny little clipping of Gabriel's hair. In it, in place of his hair was a tiny piece of balloon. 

I had caught the boys on the table dancing around digging in our cabinet, but the hair container isn't something I look for daily. It's just something I know I have. 

Could it have been moved, dumped before? Maybe. Perhaps they got into it before and I just never noticed. Perhaps it's been missing weeks, or even months. I don't know. 

What I do know is that my heart is shattered. The last physical piece of our first son that we had, is gone. Finding it at this point would be a miracle. Especially with all our pets and pet hair. Even if it did happen today, it's such a small amount of hair that finding it is near impossible. 

Evelyn insists she found the container in our room. But I know it was kept with all Gabriel's things in our cabinet downstairs. So if it was in our room, it could have happened long ago. 

I'm at a loss and now find myself picking up the pieces once again. 

Slap in the face

People have very different perspectives and feelings about cemeteries.  Some feel the need to go out often, some don't feel like going out at all. Some are afraid and uncomfortable, while others enjoy the serenity.  I've always been one who appreciates the peace a cemetery provides, the memories and history  that float around the people buried there, the continued love families share for their deceased loved ones.

 

I don't typically spend much time visiting family members and mourning over their rapidly decaying remains. Gabriel is different though,  I like to go out there often.  I go there for myself. I bring him gifts. It's my only chance to be near him, physically in his presence. But, it's a harsh reality to go there and see our son's name, carved so delicately in stone.

"Gabriel Chavez - Our Son, Our Angel".  

I go there for a quick slap in the face.   Yes, I said it. A slap, in the face.  This is my life.      This is my story.      The harsh reality check  feels good sometimes.  You can cry, mourn, and celebrate there. You can be angry and grateful to the universe at the same time.  It's a release to let all the emotions out, and a comfort to be physically near him. It's healing to be so firmly reminded of his existence in my  life. 

 

The emotions that roll through when you visit your child at the cemetery are intense. It's excitement, sadness, anger, fear, and heartache. It's  longing, happiness, peace, hate, and love. It's everything you've ever felt all rolled into one. It's powerful, intensive, fierce and often hard to handle. But that's why I go. For those few moments I don't need to handle it.  I feel however I feel in the moment and my attention and feelings are focused on him, directed on that tiny baby cradled in the coffin, instead of in my arms.

 

I feel sad.  I haven't been to the cemetery in months. 

I know Gabriel is around me, I know he's watching me and always near me, I talk to him often. Sometimes though, I just need to be physically near him.  I sometimes find myself crouching or laying on the ground in the middle of the cemetery just so I can be as close as possible to him; physically near whatever is left of his tiny little body.  Sometimes I just need that cold harsh reminder that he did exist.  

Somewhere in my mind, I think I'm afraid I'll forget him.  I know in my heart that could never happen.  My heart will always remember those moments we spent together, and the time we had.  But memories fade, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think I fear that the most. I believe that to be the reason visiting the cemetery is so important to me.  I get a firm reminder of him and everything we went through together. The cold hard slap in the face is exactly what makes me feel confident that I can never forget.

 

The heart-wrenching thing for me is seeing all the fresh new graves buried deep in the ground.  All the other tiny babies that have joined Gabriel and his friends. There's too many. So many babies gone from their parents arms.  It breaks my heart to know so many other moms have felt the same pain and heartache that I have had to endure.   

 

I think of him every day.  I miss him everyday. I wonder what life would be like now if he were still here with us. I think about all the milestones we watch the boys go through, that we never got to see of Gabriel. All the different ages and stages of life that our surviving kids get to experience, but Gabriel won't.