Good things do happen.

I write this as I sob, uncontrollably but passionately. Happy tears, happier tears than I've felt in a long time. 

Last night I went to group. I had missed a session or two (I lose track of days easily these days) so I had much to talk about. Losing Gabriel's hair, the anniversary dates, and other things. Hard things.  I mentioned that I hadn't come to terms with knowing his hair is gone. I sort of pushed it under the rug to deal with on a day that I was in a better place to deal. 

After all this time I really thought it was long gone... But alas I FOUND GABRIEL'S HAIR TODAY!!! I had to do a double and a triple take, but it was real!  I couldn't believe it! 

I instantly cried, hard. I sat there sobbing on my bedroom floor. Pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I gently sniffed it, it still harbors his scent (or maybe it's just that engrained in my memory bank).  It's still here, the last physical piece of him is still mine!

And of course, it's in my immediate plan to find a much safer way to store this!

Anniversary realizations

A few weeks ago I downloaded the TimeHop app. It goes back in time each day to your Facebook and shows you what statuses you posted that day in years past. 

Today was an exciting one as I read through statuses that all lead back to the wedding, today was our 1 year anniversary. 

TimeHop Abe showed me something interesting I never realized before. 3 years ago today we found out there was something wrong with our baby. Unknowingly we selected this day as our wedding anniversary because 11 years ago today marks the day we first met. I never realized that this day was so intimately connected to Gabriel as well. 

At first I was kind of saddened by that news. But a friend told me this: it's as if Gabriel wanted this day to be a happy one instead of a sad one. 

Then my sadness turned. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss/Infertility Awareness Wraps

As I've mentioned before, I began a new chapter in my life as a Jamberry Consultant.  I loved their nail wraps the moment I put them on my nails and knew at that moment I was hooked.

Recently I created a custom wrap design in their Nail Art Studio to support Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Infertility Awareness.  100% of my commission will be donated to Prenatal Partners for Life and Nickolas' Gift.  Two amazing and wonderful organizations.  Both offer support and care packages to families experiencing the loss of their child.  Prenatal Partners for Life is the organization that not only sent me care packages before and after Gabriel was born, but also paid for his headstone at the cemetery.  Nickolas' Gift has provided unmatched love and support in the grieving process.

Here is the nail design

I am doing it as a bulk order,  I will be placing the order so that nobody has to pay shipping on them, no later than August 20th.

If you don't know what Jamberry Nail Wraps are, I'm including some brief information below. If you have any questions or are interested in getting some wraps to help support a great cause, send me an email to samakasrc@gmail.com and I'd be happy to help you.  The more money we can donate the better!

My reality

There are certain things about my reality, that nobody should ever have to deal with. In a few short weeks, Miss E will be starting preschool. While this is bitter sweet for me, she's extremely excited. 

Over the course of the last few weeks, we've received countless letters from the school. Some about the schedule, more money they need, school supplies and orientation invitations. Today we received a letter from her teachers, it was really sweet and on the back showed photos of them and some things about them. Evelyn was excited to see the face of her teacher. Finally a name and face: Mrs Sandy. 

Along with this letter was a "student star!" Form. Apparently these forms (with a photo attached) will be put into a book. Each week a student gets to take the book home to learn about their fellow classmates. 

It's all basic information: name, birthday, age, likes, etc. But there's always one thing...

 "I have _____ people in my family, their names are _____."

Of course my instant thought was "do I include Gabriel or not?" This is a common problem I face everyday as I meet people, I have figured out the answer - if I will see them again, I include him. If I won't see them again, then I don't. 

By that rule, since I'll see them all again, I should include him. Besides, it's a chance for her teachers and other parents to know about him and that we include him in our family. Next to his name I would include "... (He lives with Jesus)" since it's a religious school.

 On the other hand, this is going to 4 year olds. They will probably be confused and bring up uncomfortable questions to their parents, who would then be struggling to find a way to explain death to their innocent little kids.  

So what do I do? And why on earth was I dealt the hand that has to deal with things like this? I spent countless hours today pondering which way to go. 

I don't know what I'll do yet. I've left the line blank and will likely talk to her teachers about it at orientation. I can't decide, and a part of me is hoping they'll decide for me. Although I'm a little scared of what they may say. I find often times people don't think before they speak.  Hopefully they'll be kind and let me down gently, because in my heart I really want to include his name. 

 

They lost it.

Evelyn came walking up to me with the tiny little glass container that once held a tiny little clipping of Gabriel's hair. In it, in place of his hair was a tiny piece of balloon. 

I had caught the boys on the table dancing around digging in our cabinet, but the hair container isn't something I look for daily. It's just something I know I have. 

Could it have been moved, dumped before? Maybe. Perhaps they got into it before and I just never noticed. Perhaps it's been missing weeks, or even months. I don't know. 

What I do know is that my heart is shattered. The last physical piece of our first son that we had, is gone. Finding it at this point would be a miracle. Especially with all our pets and pet hair. Even if it did happen today, it's such a small amount of hair that finding it is near impossible. 

Evelyn insists she found the container in our room. But I know it was kept with all Gabriel's things in our cabinet downstairs. So if it was in our room, it could have happened long ago. 

I'm at a loss and now find myself picking up the pieces once again. 

Slap in the face

People have very different perspectives and feelings about cemeteries.  Some feel the need to go out often, some don't feel like going out at all. Some are afraid and uncomfortable, while others enjoy the serenity.  I've always been one who appreciates the peace a cemetery provides, the memories and history  that float around the people buried there, the continued love families share for their deceased loved ones.

 

I don't typically spend much time visiting family members and mourning over their rapidly decaying remains. Gabriel is different though,  I like to go out there often.  I go there for myself. I bring him gifts. It's my only chance to be near him, physically in his presence. But, it's a harsh reality to go there and see our son's name, carved so delicately in stone.

"Gabriel Chavez - Our Son, Our Angel".  

I go there for a quick slap in the face.   Yes, I said it. A slap, in the face.  This is my life.      This is my story.      The harsh reality check  feels good sometimes.  You can cry, mourn, and celebrate there. You can be angry and grateful to the universe at the same time.  It's a release to let all the emotions out, and a comfort to be physically near him. It's healing to be so firmly reminded of his existence in my  life. 

 

The emotions that roll through when you visit your child at the cemetery are intense. It's excitement, sadness, anger, fear, and heartache. It's  longing, happiness, peace, hate, and love. It's everything you've ever felt all rolled into one. It's powerful, intensive, fierce and often hard to handle. But that's why I go. For those few moments I don't need to handle it.  I feel however I feel in the moment and my attention and feelings are focused on him, directed on that tiny baby cradled in the coffin, instead of in my arms.

 

I feel sad.  I haven't been to the cemetery in months. 

I know Gabriel is around me, I know he's watching me and always near me, I talk to him often. Sometimes though, I just need to be physically near him.  I sometimes find myself crouching or laying on the ground in the middle of the cemetery just so I can be as close as possible to him; physically near whatever is left of his tiny little body.  Sometimes I just need that cold harsh reminder that he did exist.  

Somewhere in my mind, I think I'm afraid I'll forget him.  I know in my heart that could never happen.  My heart will always remember those moments we spent together, and the time we had.  But memories fade, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think I fear that the most. I believe that to be the reason visiting the cemetery is so important to me.  I get a firm reminder of him and everything we went through together. The cold hard slap in the face is exactly what makes me feel confident that I can never forget.

 

The heart-wrenching thing for me is seeing all the fresh new graves buried deep in the ground.  All the other tiny babies that have joined Gabriel and his friends. There's too many. So many babies gone from their parents arms.  It breaks my heart to know so many other moms have felt the same pain and heartache that I have had to endure.   

 

I think of him every day.  I miss him everyday. I wonder what life would be like now if he were still here with us. I think about all the milestones we watch the boys go through, that we never got to see of Gabriel. All the different ages and stages of life that our surviving kids get to experience, but Gabriel won't.

Dreaming

It's been awhile since I've written here. Life has been crazy and I can't seem to keep up with it all. The kids are all over the place all the time and it takes every ounce of my time and attention to watch them. What have I been doing? A lot. I've been babysitting my neighbor girl who is almost 2 while her parents are working. She's a easy kid with basically no demands. The kids all get along well with her and enjoy having her here. It does make me wonder though, is this what life would be like if Gabriel had survived? She's only 6 months younger than he would be if things had turned out differently. Would we still have been blessed with the twins and have ended up as a family of 6? I recently took on a business opportunity selling Jamberry Nails. I love it and it's been very successful for me, but it's another thing I've added to my plate. I've been meal planning weekly, continuing my journey learning DSLR photography and trying to find time to enjoy summer now that it's finally here. So to say I've been busy is quite the understatement.

Lately I've been having dreams though, maybe it was a sign that I need to update here or maybe it's a sign of something completely different. The dream is terrifying and heart breaking. I'll detail every part that I can remember of it, I recall different parts every time I have it. It starts with us in the NICU, we had a son. An extremely early son the size of my hand. A few minutes in we discover that our son has a pre diagnosed heart condition, the chances of survival are slim. Soon we are in a meeting with a surgical team. We are presented two options: 1) they surgically adhere a patch to his heart. This option would be easily survivable but may not fix his problem and he would die anyway. Option 2) they do a much more invasive surgery with very low odds of surviving through, but the surgery would fix the problem if he were to survive (I'm lead to believe it's a full heart transplant of some kind). I've yet to learn what the actual diagnosis or problem is, and also our son doesn't have a name, although I'm sure those are just details I have yet to remember.  Why am I having these dreams? Why am I being forced to recall all the emotions of losing a child again. Why is my subconscious doing this to me. I wake up feeling all the pain and heartache of child loss as if it just happened again. There has to be a reason this is happening, but I think the reason has yet to come to   me.

A few weeks ago I had coffee with a mom who's daughter passed away a few short weeks after Gabriel. It was a completely different cause, but we connect just the same. There's no friendship like those of people who understand you. There's no conversation a loss parent can have that compares to being able to talk openly about your dead baby without feeling uncomfortable or judged. It was a lovely coffee date that was hard to walk away from, but we both have other children that needed tending to, so like all good things, our date had to come to an end.

I haven't planted Gabriel's garden yet, I want to though. I did plant forget me not seeds and if those grow I'll put those in his garden. It's the little things that are important to me. A garden is something   of peace that just helps me remember him.

I haven't been out to the cometary much, it's hard when you have kids to tend to. It's hard to go out   there sometimes because you see all the new graves that have been added, I always say a prayer for all the families that continue to lose precious babies.

A friend showed me an article in People magazine that spotlighted Jaime Beautler's surviving baby Abigail. Against the odds sweet Abigail is surviving Bilareral Renal Agenesis. And along with that, there's a second surviving baby in New York now too. I told Jaime how much I wish Gabriel had come after Abigail so he could have had a chance of surviving too. She is looking to start fundraising to help more babies survive this condition, I'm trying to come up with ideas to help, but have yet to come up with anything great. The ultimate goal is to change Potter's Syndrome from being 100% terminal, to having some kind of survival rate.

Recently I have been getting asked a lot how many kids I have. Although I still struggle with that question I've been feeling more comfortable answering with 3 much of the time. I still cringe after  thinking that I've forgotten one, but I've come to realize that people don't understand baby loss and  the journey a parent travels, people don't know that although I still miss him daily, my heart doesn't crumble when I talk about him anymore. I've come to realize that I can't handle the sad puppy dog eyes or the way people will uncomfortably cut the conversation short because suddenly a happy topic, has turned toward one of death. When people walk away abruptly after I mention him, I so badly want to tell them that if they don't know what to say, tell me that. Tell me exactly that: "I don't know what to say, I'm sorry for your loss." It's much less saddening for me if I don't feel like mentioning my dead son is uncomfortable for you. I am blessed to have Gabriel as a part of my life, it just sucks that he can't be here in my arms.

I've been trying to make custom nail wraps through my Jamberry business that I can sell, and donate my commission to pregnancy and infant loss organizations. The task has been much more difficult than anticipated, but I hope to have some completed soon.

I'll try to update again soon, but now my kids are hungry. Here's some photos to tie you over till then.

Finally loaded our frames after 7 months! Our family tree wouldn't be complete without a picture of Gabriel included.