They lost it.

Evelyn came walking up to me with the tiny little glass container that once held a tiny little clipping of Gabriel's hair. In it, in place of his hair was a tiny piece of balloon. 

I had caught the boys on the table dancing around digging in our cabinet, but the hair container isn't something I look for daily. It's just something I know I have. 

Could it have been moved, dumped before? Maybe. Perhaps they got into it before and I just never noticed. Perhaps it's been missing weeks, or even months. I don't know. 

What I do know is that my heart is shattered. The last physical piece of our first son that we had, is gone. Finding it at this point would be a miracle. Especially with all our pets and pet hair. Even if it did happen today, it's such a small amount of hair that finding it is near impossible. 

Evelyn insists she found the container in our room. But I know it was kept with all Gabriel's things in our cabinet downstairs. So if it was in our room, it could have happened long ago. 

I'm at a loss and now find myself picking up the pieces once again. 

Slap in the face

People have very different perspectives and feelings about cemeteries.  Some feel the need to go out often, some don't feel like going out at all. Some are afraid and uncomfortable, while others enjoy the serenity.  I've always been one who appreciates the peace a cemetery provides, the memories and history  that float around the people buried there, the continued love families share for their deceased loved ones.

 

I don't typically spend much time visiting family members and mourning over their rapidly decaying remains. Gabriel is different though,  I like to go out there often.  I go there for myself. I bring him gifts. It's my only chance to be near him, physically in his presence. But, it's a harsh reality to go there and see our son's name, carved so delicately in stone.

"Gabriel Chavez - Our Son, Our Angel".  

I go there for a quick slap in the face.   Yes, I said it. A slap, in the face.  This is my life.      This is my story.      The harsh reality check  feels good sometimes.  You can cry, mourn, and celebrate there. You can be angry and grateful to the universe at the same time.  It's a release to let all the emotions out, and a comfort to be physically near him. It's healing to be so firmly reminded of his existence in my  life. 

 

The emotions that roll through when you visit your child at the cemetery are intense. It's excitement, sadness, anger, fear, and heartache. It's  longing, happiness, peace, hate, and love. It's everything you've ever felt all rolled into one. It's powerful, intensive, fierce and often hard to handle. But that's why I go. For those few moments I don't need to handle it.  I feel however I feel in the moment and my attention and feelings are focused on him, directed on that tiny baby cradled in the coffin, instead of in my arms.

 

I feel sad.  I haven't been to the cemetery in months. 

I know Gabriel is around me, I know he's watching me and always near me, I talk to him often. Sometimes though, I just need to be physically near him.  I sometimes find myself crouching or laying on the ground in the middle of the cemetery just so I can be as close as possible to him; physically near whatever is left of his tiny little body.  Sometimes I just need that cold harsh reminder that he did exist.  

Somewhere in my mind, I think I'm afraid I'll forget him.  I know in my heart that could never happen.  My heart will always remember those moments we spent together, and the time we had.  But memories fade, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think I fear that the most. I believe that to be the reason visiting the cemetery is so important to me.  I get a firm reminder of him and everything we went through together. The cold hard slap in the face is exactly what makes me feel confident that I can never forget.

 

The heart-wrenching thing for me is seeing all the fresh new graves buried deep in the ground.  All the other tiny babies that have joined Gabriel and his friends. There's too many. So many babies gone from their parents arms.  It breaks my heart to know so many other moms have felt the same pain and heartache that I have had to endure.   

 

I think of him every day.  I miss him everyday. I wonder what life would be like now if he were still here with us. I think about all the milestones we watch the boys go through, that we never got to see of Gabriel. All the different ages and stages of life that our surviving kids get to experience, but Gabriel won't.

Dreaming

It's been awhile since I've written here. Life has been crazy and I can't seem to keep up with it all. The kids are all over the place all the time and it takes every ounce of my time and attention to watch them. What have I been doing? A lot. I've been babysitting my neighbor girl who is almost 2 while her parents are working. She's a easy kid with basically no demands. The kids all get along well with her and enjoy having her here. It does make me wonder though, is this what life would be like if Gabriel had survived? She's only 6 months younger than he would be if things had turned out differently. Would we still have been blessed with the twins and have ended up as a family of 6? I recently took on a business opportunity selling Jamberry Nails. I love it and it's been very successful for me, but it's another thing I've added to my plate. I've been meal planning weekly, continuing my journey learning DSLR photography and trying to find time to enjoy summer now that it's finally here. So to say I've been busy is quite the understatement.

Lately I've been having dreams though, maybe it was a sign that I need to update here or maybe it's a sign of something completely different. The dream is terrifying and heart breaking. I'll detail every part that I can remember of it, I recall different parts every time I have it. It starts with us in the NICU, we had a son. An extremely early son the size of my hand. A few minutes in we discover that our son has a pre diagnosed heart condition, the chances of survival are slim. Soon we are in a meeting with a surgical team. We are presented two options: 1) they surgically adhere a patch to his heart. This option would be easily survivable but may not fix his problem and he would die anyway. Option 2) they do a much more invasive surgery with very low odds of surviving through, but the surgery would fix the problem if he were to survive (I'm lead to believe it's a full heart transplant of some kind). I've yet to learn what the actual diagnosis or problem is, and also our son doesn't have a name, although I'm sure those are just details I have yet to remember.  Why am I having these dreams? Why am I being forced to recall all the emotions of losing a child again. Why is my subconscious doing this to me. I wake up feeling all the pain and heartache of child loss as if it just happened again. There has to be a reason this is happening, but I think the reason has yet to come to   me.

A few weeks ago I had coffee with a mom who's daughter passed away a few short weeks after Gabriel. It was a completely different cause, but we connect just the same. There's no friendship like those of people who understand you. There's no conversation a loss parent can have that compares to being able to talk openly about your dead baby without feeling uncomfortable or judged. It was a lovely coffee date that was hard to walk away from, but we both have other children that needed tending to, so like all good things, our date had to come to an end.

I haven't planted Gabriel's garden yet, I want to though. I did plant forget me not seeds and if those grow I'll put those in his garden. It's the little things that are important to me. A garden is something   of peace that just helps me remember him.

I haven't been out to the cometary much, it's hard when you have kids to tend to. It's hard to go out   there sometimes because you see all the new graves that have been added, I always say a prayer for all the families that continue to lose precious babies.

A friend showed me an article in People magazine that spotlighted Jaime Beautler's surviving baby Abigail. Against the odds sweet Abigail is surviving Bilareral Renal Agenesis. And along with that, there's a second surviving baby in New York now too. I told Jaime how much I wish Gabriel had come after Abigail so he could have had a chance of surviving too. She is looking to start fundraising to help more babies survive this condition, I'm trying to come up with ideas to help, but have yet to come up with anything great. The ultimate goal is to change Potter's Syndrome from being 100% terminal, to having some kind of survival rate.

Recently I have been getting asked a lot how many kids I have. Although I still struggle with that question I've been feeling more comfortable answering with 3 much of the time. I still cringe after  thinking that I've forgotten one, but I've come to realize that people don't understand baby loss and  the journey a parent travels, people don't know that although I still miss him daily, my heart doesn't crumble when I talk about him anymore. I've come to realize that I can't handle the sad puppy dog eyes or the way people will uncomfortably cut the conversation short because suddenly a happy topic, has turned toward one of death. When people walk away abruptly after I mention him, I so badly want to tell them that if they don't know what to say, tell me that. Tell me exactly that: "I don't know what to say, I'm sorry for your loss." It's much less saddening for me if I don't feel like mentioning my dead son is uncomfortable for you. I am blessed to have Gabriel as a part of my life, it just sucks that he can't be here in my arms.

I've been trying to make custom nail wraps through my Jamberry business that I can sell, and donate my commission to pregnancy and infant loss organizations. The task has been much more difficult than anticipated, but I hope to have some completed soon.

I'll try to update again soon, but now my kids are hungry. Here's some photos to tie you over till then.

Finally loaded our frames after 7 months! Our family tree wouldn't be complete without a picture of Gabriel included. 

Jewelry Keepsakes

Someday, when I get around to opening a foundation in memory of Gabriel, one of the things I want to do is donate necklace urns to parents who have their child cremated. No we did not have Gabriel cremated, but if I thought I would get a necklace urn I may have.  I still might get one for myself one day, but I'll put a few strands of his hair in it instead.

I was bored one night and surfing the web for "necklace urns". Weird? Probably. Such is the life of a loss parent.  I came across a website - www.jewelrykeepsakes.com, They had some really beautiful designs, they appeared to be good quality, so I jotted down the website and moved on.

Flash forward a few weeks,  I received an email from one of their employees about their necklaces.  I was really surprised considering I never left any personal information on the website as I was surfing.   They had found my blog and got my email that route.

She told me about their photo engraved necklaces. I didn't see these when I was browsing, but I had a specific thing in mind so I didn't think to look for other things.  I got excited as I read the words "I'd be happy to send you a necklace of your choice free of charge in exchange for giving feedback and posting a link on your blog".  No hesitation here, I knew I was in.

I took a moment to browse through their jewelry. They had bracelets, urn necklaces, rings, pet specific remembrance jewelry and a lot more. I jumped into the photo jewelry.  I immediately liked that they had the option of Gold or White Gold for each pendant. I noticed there was a range of pricing from $39 - $180, nice that they had options that people could afford. It was hard to choose just one though, they were all beautiful. I chose a small silver plated heart pendant. I was happy to see that I could personalize the necklace and have words engraved on the backside. I selected to upgrade from the 20in rhodium plated brass snake chain that comes included, to the 18in rhodium plated sterling silver snake chain.  That would be an extra charge if I were placing a regular order.  I gave her my name and shipping information and sent a photo with the cropping request.

I excitedly waited for the necklace, I wasn't expecting it to come for at least a week or two.  A few days later I got an email asking if I'd received it.  I'm terrible about regularly checking the mail, but I sure got down to the box as fast as I could!  Turns out, it was delivered 2 days after my order!  Wow, I'm already impressed at this point.

I ripped open the  package and found a little white box. 

Inside the white box was a nice black velvet (felt) jewelry box.
I was pleased to see this, it shows me quality and care.

I was floored when I opened the box.
My photo looks a bit dark (poor lighting),

but the photo is much clearer than I anticipated it being.

There staring my in the face, was my favorite
Gabriel photo.  

Just trying to get pictures where you can see the photo. 

I flipped it over and saw my inscription on the back.
"Gabriel Ray
In Our Hearts
12/8/11"

They provide a 20 inch snake chain,
but I upgraded to the 18 inch better quality version.  It feels a little bit thin,
but it seems like it's sturdy enough.

I immediately noticed the pendant was about the size of a quarter, maybe slightly smaller.
 I appreciate that because I'm not one to wear big chunky jewelry if any.

Of course I threaded that chain on it as soon as I could and threw it on my neck.
Now Gabriel's face is close to my heart.

And now for a horrible "I just woke up" camera selfie,
perhaps I should have used my phone for this task
 (DSLR cameras are kinda heavy, this was not easy!)

 I really really like it. I feel like from a distance it looks like a plain heart necklace, but when you are within talking distance you can see his photo on there. It's  the size of a quarter but slightly thicker.  It isn't some cheap flimsy disc hanging on a chain, it feels like it's great quality and it isn't heavy at all.

I can look down and see his face anytime I want to. I'm a proud momma right now.

If you would like to take a look, go to www.jewelrykeepsakes.com and browse their site.  This specific necklace is of the "photo" variety.

The cool thing is, these don't have to be only for losses.  You could put a photo of your current living kids, a friend, or you're beloved cat.  You can put a photo of your parents, grandparents or great aunt Suzie.

I don't wear jewelry often, I have a necklace with Evelyn and Gabriel's names and birthstones that I wear sometimes.  I don't know how often I'll wear this in the future, but I can tell you one thing,  it won't be coming off anytime soon.

Updating

Clearly I've been busy. Not "running around, working, going out" busy. Instead I'm: "changing diapers, feeding kids, cleaning up toys, bath time, bed time, relax time" busy. 

It's been awhile since I really updated how our family is doing. Logan is walking and Sawyer is trying. Both boys are trying to talk and eat like champs. They still don't sleep through the night (the other night being the exception) and we are exhausted to say the least.  We are still plugging away with our cloth diapers everyday. It's been great for us.

Evelyn is quickly learning to write and recognize her letters, she loves to color and do artsy things. She's begun playing house, puppy, picnic and with her imaginary friend. She's smart, too smart sometimes and keeps us on our toes. 

We are all dying for it to get nice enough to get outside. It's warming up now but not enough for the kids to really play out there (plus it's wet and there's still snow). 

I'm trying to be more social and make an effort to stay in touch with friends, all while taking care of the family and having some "me time" (yeah right). 

Me time is summed up as any moment when my camera is in front of my face. No matter what I'm taking a photo of; kids are fighting, animals outside, Logan standing on Sawyer's head... For 15 seconds it's just me and my camera. I have been trying to get my hands on any person or thing that will allow me to take their photo, I want the experience. I need the experience. And it gives me something to focus on and enjoy. 15 seconds where nothing else matters. And that sums up me time. 

Overall we're doing well. Functioning as a family of 5 with 2 under 2 and 3 under 4... It tends to be a bit crazy.  

Our fight to save Gabriel.

It was brought to my attention a little while back that during our journey I never really outlined our fight to save our baby. I shared bits and pieces, comments here and there, but never really talked about the conversations we had with our doctors. I've been thinking back on it for awhile now, remembering that time and time again we were simply told no. 

When we first got the diagnosis, my first reaction was "what do we do?" The doctor was pleasant but explained that there is no cure, nobody had survived Bilateral Renal Agenesis. I was heartbroken and devastated. I wanted to run out of the clinic and never talk about it again. She insisted we make an appointment to come back and talk about things, that we had the option to induce now or to wait awhile, subtly insisting we induce soon. When we came back to the clinic I had done my google research (haha) and inquired about injecting fluids. Maybe we could get the lungs and other organs to develop and worry about the kidneys after birth. The answer was simple "it won't work." 

I was directed to a doctor for a second opinion. He confirmed the diagnosis, and again I inquired about injecting fluid. He explained that even if the other organs were to develop further (even though we'd likely missed the development time) that there was no equipment to do dialysis on such a tiny being, that we'd have to live on hope of finding a kidney match and essentially made me feel like we'd have to hope someone else's baby would die so that we could receive the baby's kidneys and the process was sketchy at best. 

When we went to the next doctor we were told the same things. It just wouldn't work. I tried to explain that by trying we wouldn't be any worse off than we already were, but that wasn't enough to convince them of an experimental treatment that gave my baby a chance at life. 

I talked to my doctor about the infusions and got told it was too late, even if she could try it. It had been weeks since we first got the diagnosis and knew something was wrong and there was no way the necessary organs would develop in time.  I knew she was right. Approaching 30 weeks we were too far along to hope for enough development in our baby. 

I'm not saying the doctors were mean or didn't want to help me. But doctors are scientific and there's no scientific research or documentation showing a treatment like that would have worked. Beyond that there's risks involved for them too. I understand why they were saying the things they were, in their experience it wouldn't work. 

I gave in, just like so many other parents had to before me. I caved to the understanding that there was nothing they could do. 

After seeing Jaime's baby survive after doing exactly what I was pressing for was both heart wrenching and rewarding. If I had tried a little harder, if I had pushed a little more, could he be here with us?  Could we have saved our baby? 

There's no guarantee. There's nothing saying the dialysis would have kept him alive. I've since learned through Jaime that you aren't waiting for an infant kidney, they can transplant with an adult kidney. Non-the-less there's no guarantee we would have found a match, or that he'd make it through the surgeries. There's no guarantee that something else could have taken his life. 

The boys' first birthday!

January 23rd marked the boys' first year! We did it, we made it an entire year as parents of twins and kept our sanity too.... ok maybe that's to be determined HA!

Obviously their birthday celebration was far different from the 1st birthday we celebrated for Gabriel.  I actually had my babies here to celebrate this one.

Their birthday fell on a Thursday this year, so we did cupcakes at home to celebrate.  Then we had a small party on the Saturday after and invited friends and family to come celebrate with us.

Here's some photos for you to enjoy :)

Birthday Cupcakes: 

Logan

Sawyer

Birthday Party
 

Cake

Logan

Sawyer

First birthday photos 

Sawyer

Logan