Missing him.

Someone once told me something after Gabriel was born that I've kept with me throughout our journey. A little piece of wisdom that has stuck with me from the very beginning.  When you are pregnant, you share blood, cells, and other things with your baby. Those things stay in your system for life. So for the rest of my time here on earth I will carry a small part of Gabriel (and all of my kids) with me everywhere I go.

This bit of information, this thought, has carried me through some of the roughest days. As I continue to plow through those rough days with that thought in my mind, I know I can keep going.  I don't know if it's actually a fact.  I don't know if they could even scientifically prove that. But I will live the rest of my days believing that a part of him is still physically with me everywhere I go.

With his birthday coming quick and plans in the works, I struggle daily and think about him with every minute that goes by.  From the outside it may seem that I'm wrapped up in the tantrums and crazy that is a 3 year old, or the chaos that comes when you enter twin territory. But inside I am wrapped up in Gabriel. So as I forget things, seem too busy, ignore your texts and calls; please understand that I might be having a quiet moment to myself dreaming of who he may have become.

One day last week I wondered: Will it always be this tough? Will I ever get to just "move on"? I know from my amazing support group that it doesn't work that way. I will always have moments of sadness that will consume my whole heart. The year he should be starting kindergarden, the year he would be entering high school, driving, graduating... Those anniversary dates will never go away. I just need to feel each day out as it comes and go with it.  Then someone shared with me a story about her grandmother. After she passed away they had found toys in the top drawer of her dresser, toys she kept that belonged to a son she lost... She kept them with her all the days of her life, till there were no more.  That story hit home, I want that to be me. I want my kids to find belongings that were his, for them to always know that I never forgot about him. And so they'll know that after so long, I've finally been reunited with him. I want to be the 90 year old woman who continues to love and honor my son.

SIDEBAR: 

I'm going to curse myself by updating with this post...

Last night we received a small blessing.  The boys both slept from 1am till 8am (Sawyer) and 9am (Logan). 7 hours straight, at the same time... I feel like a whole new woman.

I'll post more of an update about the kids in a couple days, when the boys turn TEN MONTHS OLD!

Updating

I'm sitting in my van, bored with nothing I can do. Why you ask? Because I really needed to go to the store, when I got there all 3 kids were sleeping, and its cold with rain. I refuse to haul 3 sleeping kids out in the rain... So even though I'm home, I'm trapped in my van and bored. If you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you've done it too! I do this all the time, where do you think I find time to update my blog?! 

So onto some updates. We're doing good here. As good as we can be with a 3 year old smarty pants and two 9 month old boys who don't sleep through the night, not even close. 

Two weeks ago Logan spiked a 103 fever and the next day popped out two bottom teeth. Ouch. This week it's Sawyer's turn. On Friday he spiked a 102 fever and is pushing through his two bottom teeth. Also on Friday Evelyn was diagnosed with pink eye and put on medication.  It's fun times in our house right now. I will say this though, the last month or so Logan has been a grump. A grouch. A Cranky McCrankerson. But, since popping through those teeth he has found his smile again. It warms my heart and brightens my day. Sawyer has pretty much kept his smile and giggle - little turd.  

Both boys are just on the verge of crawling now, Logan has figured out he can, he just has to get coordinated haha! 

Halloween was chaotic. After dropping daddy off at work I came home to dress the kids up. The boy's bear costumes (that fit last week) didn't fit. Nope, not even close. I got Evelyn ready to go and we went for lunch at daddy's work. While eating I had a thought: if I cut the bear costume in two at the waist, it'll become a sweatshirt... I had sweatpants to match... I knew this would end in disaster. It didn't! It totally worked and the kids looked so cute! We drove 25 minutes to my sisters, 25 minutes to my dad's, 10 minutes to a friend's house, 30 minutes to my grandma's, 15 to pick daddy up from work, stopped by his boss' house and then his mom's. The kids were angry by then and completely over it. I was too. I lugged 3 kids across many miles by myself. They were angry, but I was exhausted.

On Friday I had an emotional time. A dear friend's son (same age as the boys) was seriously injured at daycare. He hit his head and was unresponsive. Mom had a long drive to the hospital where he was airlifted to, unconscious and intubated. My heart stopped. "Oh god, please do not take her baby boy, please do not make her endure that kind of pain, heal him... Please." My stomach was in my throat the entire day, I worried and cried and talked to Gabriel the whole time. "Be there with that sweet boy, if you can heal or comfort him please do. Put your sweet hand on that mommas heart and give her strength. Give her the hug I wish I could give her myself." A bunch of us got together and thought out plans to get supplies to her. A friend of mine from outside of the group thoughtfully picked up and delivered dinner to the hospital for us. I couldn't stop the tears from coming, especially seeing photos and updates. That night, right before I clocked into work, an update was posted that he woke up! Perfect timing and perfect start to my night at work. He's been progressing ever since. 

It was a tough day, knowing her and that her son was so seriously injured was scary, devastating, heartbreaking. I wanted to step away from it, hide my heart from hurting. I couldn't do that though, I needed to continue to pray for him and see how he's doing. I needed to watch for an update, good or bad. 

Breastfeeding: it's coming to an end pretty rapidly. We are supplementing about 50% of the time now. My supply is tanking and nothing I'm doing is helping. I've lost a few more pounds that I worked incredibly hard to put back on. I'm certain they'll be completely weaned before they hit 10 months. Maybe I'll regain some energy! 

Cloth diapers finally caught up to me this week. With Halloween and other things I fell extremely behind on any and all housework. I actually went out and bought sposies because I ran out of cloth... Oops. Derrick was able to catch up on much of the housework and even did the cloth diapers this weekend, thanking my lucky stars for that - my house was a wreck! 

Well, the boys are starting to squirm in their car seats so I better get running again, quite literally. 

Take care!

9 months old!

The boys turned 9 months old yesterday. Holy moly time is flying by way to fast. I'm not sure what happened, perhaps I blinked? 

I continue to breastfeed the boys, although not as exclusively as I did in the past. We supplement formula for nap times and bedtimes. They eat solid foods 3 times a day and usually nurse before or after, even if its just a little bit.  That leaves me to nurse 3 - 4 times a day and overnights.  I'm hoping to wean them off and onto bottles/formula exclusively now. I have loved breastfeeding them and the challenge it entails.  My body is feeling the wrath of breastfeeding twins and my health has to be just as important at some point. Plus it'd be nice to put a little of my weight back on again. 

Cloth diapering is still going great! In fact I invested a small amount of money in 10 new Alva diapers this month.  We've really nailed a system down now and are confident with the process. I can't believe the money we've saved already by doing cloth diapers. If you figure the average family spends upwards of $1,000 in the first year, that means twins would be upwards of $2,000 we've saved.

They say a lot of mamamamama and mostly dadadadada. But have no idea what they are saying really. Sawyer is more the talker and will babble all day long. 

They are starting to pull and tug on each other and love to watch the other play. Logan especially loves to steal Sawyer's Nuki even though he really has no interest in having one himself.   I can't wait for they day they truly interact with each other. 

It's definitely interesting to watch their personalities because they are SO different. There's very little similarities in their personalities at all.  Sawyer is the happy, giggly, smiley one. He loves eating and has no preferences to solid foods. Logan is very serious, you usually have to force a smile out of him and is pretty quiet most of the time. He isn't as much of a fan of solid foods, is much more picky about what he will actually eat, and usually only wants a few bites.

Evelyn is still the best big sister ever. She loves to play and rough house with them.  She likes to bring them toys and snacks (puffs) and tries to help stop them from crying.  I think she is antsy for the day she can actually PLAY with them, she'll love having little tikes to harass I think. 

Here's some photos and captions to see how the boys are doing!

Both boys are so close to crawling. I suspect any day now, Logan actually propels himself backwards today.
But most off all, they just want to stand. Not alone, you have to be holding them. But they are the happiest
when they are standing with you.

Logan showing off his two little bottom teeth he popped through this week!  

They've both figured out how to drink from cups now.  They won't drink out of a normal sippy though, only straws.

Just being cute.

Swing will have to go soon.  They no longer want to lay in it, and really they are too big, but they still love it!

Playing playing playing!

They love their crunchies and puffs. They serve no nutritional value but hey, they work great as a distraction!
Plus they've gotten really good with picking up small objects and getting food into their mouths!

Just for fun - 9 month photo outtakes

Here are the outtakes from today's attempted photo shoot. Glad my mom was there to lend a hand haha!

This pretty much summarizes my days as well as any photo shoots I try to do... yup.

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

Another year, another pregnancy and infant loss awareness day is upon us. Many people are reflecting on babies they've lost, or babies lost by their friends or family members.  This year I feel like there's so many more people I know or have heard of that are remembering tiny little beings gone to soon. 

The effect of losing someone so small is dramatic for those touched by the loss. The hopes and dreams these parents had for this baby - this person - are suddenly extinguished. The hopes and dreams these parents had for their lives and families are squashed by the hand of death, so easily smothered and many times as quick as a blink of an eye. 

Tonight, we have been joined by some of our family members for the Remember our Babies walk in a nearby town. Many families gathered to remember their babies during the candle lighting ceremony, it makes your heart ache to think of all these people with such hurt and pain in their lives. 

The spent some time reading the names of the babies each family is missing today. Many heartbreaking stories were shared. I of course shared Gabriel's story.

The walk itself was beautiful. Short, bordered by luminaries, with a stunning view of the town and river. 

The whole event was emotional, it was hard to listen to all the broken hearts telling stories of their little ones they can never hold in their arms. 

Gabriel is thought of by many friends and family members. He is never ever forgotten and always remains a part of our lives.  It's hard to believe that in a few short months we'll "celebrate" his 2nd birthday... 2 years already.

*note* I will be adding more to this tomorrow when I get everything loaded from my memory card, but I wanted this post out today. 

Pinterest

I am a Pinterest fan. I have many boards and hundreds of pins. I have one board designated to pregnancy and infant loss (of course I do!). On that board are various quotes, links to beautiful jewelry designed to remember babies lost, links to various websites and organizations that helped me through, and of course there's one link that's close to my heart - it's a photo of my Gabriel Memorial Tattoo that is directly linked to my blog, more specifically the post I made immediately after getting that tattoo. 

I have the app loaded on my smartphone and get periodic notifications throughout the day. It seems like every day I get at least one notification that someone has repinned that specific pin.  

I have mixed feelings about this. My initial reaction is always flattery, someone likes the tattoo that I spent months designing while Gabriel was still tucked safely inside. The tattoo that my artist helped put together and make an actual piece of art to be put permantely on my body - forever. Someone out there has hopefully clicked beyond the "pin" button and read into my blog. Learning of the journey we took nearly 2 short years ago. 

My following thoughts are always the same: I hope the person who has pinned that link isn't experiencing that same heartache, the same feeling of pain and loss that we feel going along the journey. My heart aches for the pain that these "repinners" are feeling as they search for inspiration for their very own memorial tattoo. 

My final thought, that doesn't always come to mind: there's one more person who has read Gabriel's name, possibly out loud or maybe to themselves. That's another person who knows Gabriel existed and is helping keep his memory alive - even if they've never met him, or us. 

My hope is this: if they are searching, possibly feeling lost and alone, I hope they are reading past the link into the world I live in. I hope they find hope and comfort in reading the words I've put out there for the public in hopes that someone somewhere will get whatever it is they are looking for. Help, hope, faith, healing, or whatever it is that their heart desires. 

There is hope, comfort and healing in knowing you are not alone. 

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

It's October. That means pregnancy and infant loss awareness month is once again upon us. I'm hoping to attend a walk the evening of October 15th which marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I will register to have Gabriel's name read for that event. If you want to go with me let me know and I'll get the information to you. 

I don't know how, but I had briefly forgotten and was reminded by Derrick - slightly unusual. 

This month we will remember, honor, and cherish the son we held for only a brief moment in time, but will hold forever in our hearts.