9 months old!

The boys turned 9 months old yesterday. Holy moly time is flying by way to fast. I'm not sure what happened, perhaps I blinked? 

I continue to breastfeed the boys, although not as exclusively as I did in the past. We supplement formula for nap times and bedtimes. They eat solid foods 3 times a day and usually nurse before or after, even if its just a little bit.  That leaves me to nurse 3 - 4 times a day and overnights.  I'm hoping to wean them off and onto bottles/formula exclusively now. I have loved breastfeeding them and the challenge it entails.  My body is feeling the wrath of breastfeeding twins and my health has to be just as important at some point. Plus it'd be nice to put a little of my weight back on again. 

Cloth diapering is still going great! In fact I invested a small amount of money in 10 new Alva diapers this month.  We've really nailed a system down now and are confident with the process. I can't believe the money we've saved already by doing cloth diapers. If you figure the average family spends upwards of $1,000 in the first year, that means twins would be upwards of $2,000 we've saved.

They say a lot of mamamamama and mostly dadadadada. But have no idea what they are saying really. Sawyer is more the talker and will babble all day long. 

They are starting to pull and tug on each other and love to watch the other play. Logan especially loves to steal Sawyer's Nuki even though he really has no interest in having one himself.   I can't wait for they day they truly interact with each other. 

It's definitely interesting to watch their personalities because they are SO different. There's very little similarities in their personalities at all.  Sawyer is the happy, giggly, smiley one. He loves eating and has no preferences to solid foods. Logan is very serious, you usually have to force a smile out of him and is pretty quiet most of the time. He isn't as much of a fan of solid foods, is much more picky about what he will actually eat, and usually only wants a few bites.

Evelyn is still the best big sister ever. She loves to play and rough house with them.  She likes to bring them toys and snacks (puffs) and tries to help stop them from crying.  I think she is antsy for the day she can actually PLAY with them, she'll love having little tikes to harass I think. 

Here's some photos and captions to see how the boys are doing!

Both boys are so close to crawling. I suspect any day now, Logan actually propels himself backwards today.
But most off all, they just want to stand. Not alone, you have to be holding them. But they are the happiest
when they are standing with you.

Logan showing off his two little bottom teeth he popped through this week!  

They've both figured out how to drink from cups now.  They won't drink out of a normal sippy though, only straws.

Just being cute.

Swing will have to go soon.  They no longer want to lay in it, and really they are too big, but they still love it!

Playing playing playing!

They love their crunchies and puffs. They serve no nutritional value but hey, they work great as a distraction!
Plus they've gotten really good with picking up small objects and getting food into their mouths!

Just for fun - 9 month photo outtakes

Here are the outtakes from today's attempted photo shoot. Glad my mom was there to lend a hand haha!

This pretty much summarizes my days as well as any photo shoots I try to do... yup.

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

Another year, another pregnancy and infant loss awareness day is upon us. Many people are reflecting on babies they've lost, or babies lost by their friends or family members.  This year I feel like there's so many more people I know or have heard of that are remembering tiny little beings gone to soon. 

The effect of losing someone so small is dramatic for those touched by the loss. The hopes and dreams these parents had for this baby - this person - are suddenly extinguished. The hopes and dreams these parents had for their lives and families are squashed by the hand of death, so easily smothered and many times as quick as a blink of an eye. 

Tonight, we have been joined by some of our family members for the Remember our Babies walk in a nearby town. Many families gathered to remember their babies during the candle lighting ceremony, it makes your heart ache to think of all these people with such hurt and pain in their lives. 

The spent some time reading the names of the babies each family is missing today. Many heartbreaking stories were shared. I of course shared Gabriel's story.

The walk itself was beautiful. Short, bordered by luminaries, with a stunning view of the town and river. 

The whole event was emotional, it was hard to listen to all the broken hearts telling stories of their little ones they can never hold in their arms. 

Gabriel is thought of by many friends and family members. He is never ever forgotten and always remains a part of our lives.  It's hard to believe that in a few short months we'll "celebrate" his 2nd birthday... 2 years already.

*note* I will be adding more to this tomorrow when I get everything loaded from my memory card, but I wanted this post out today. 

Pinterest

I am a Pinterest fan. I have many boards and hundreds of pins. I have one board designated to pregnancy and infant loss (of course I do!). On that board are various quotes, links to beautiful jewelry designed to remember babies lost, links to various websites and organizations that helped me through, and of course there's one link that's close to my heart - it's a photo of my Gabriel Memorial Tattoo that is directly linked to my blog, more specifically the post I made immediately after getting that tattoo. 

I have the app loaded on my smartphone and get periodic notifications throughout the day. It seems like every day I get at least one notification that someone has repinned that specific pin.  

I have mixed feelings about this. My initial reaction is always flattery, someone likes the tattoo that I spent months designing while Gabriel was still tucked safely inside. The tattoo that my artist helped put together and make an actual piece of art to be put permantely on my body - forever. Someone out there has hopefully clicked beyond the "pin" button and read into my blog. Learning of the journey we took nearly 2 short years ago. 

My following thoughts are always the same: I hope the person who has pinned that link isn't experiencing that same heartache, the same feeling of pain and loss that we feel going along the journey. My heart aches for the pain that these "repinners" are feeling as they search for inspiration for their very own memorial tattoo. 

My final thought, that doesn't always come to mind: there's one more person who has read Gabriel's name, possibly out loud or maybe to themselves. That's another person who knows Gabriel existed and is helping keep his memory alive - even if they've never met him, or us. 

My hope is this: if they are searching, possibly feeling lost and alone, I hope they are reading past the link into the world I live in. I hope they find hope and comfort in reading the words I've put out there for the public in hopes that someone somewhere will get whatever it is they are looking for. Help, hope, faith, healing, or whatever it is that their heart desires. 

There is hope, comfort and healing in knowing you are not alone. 

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

It's October. That means pregnancy and infant loss awareness month is once again upon us. I'm hoping to attend a walk the evening of October 15th which marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I will register to have Gabriel's name read for that event. If you want to go with me let me know and I'll get the information to you. 

I don't know how, but I had briefly forgotten and was reminded by Derrick - slightly unusual. 

This month we will remember, honor, and cherish the son we held for only a brief moment in time, but will hold forever in our hearts. 

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge

For the last year and a half I have been attending a support group once a month (or at least as often as I remember to go) that has been wonderful.  The group is run by a woman named Dawn who runs Nickolas' Gift, a foundation in honor of her son who would be 17 years old today.  She also lost her son to Potter's Syndrome.

The group is filled with wonderful, loving, caring, and heartbroken individuals who have each lost a baby or infant for various reasons.  Each has their own story, yet we are all traveling very much the same journey.

This weekend Nickolas' Gift took us all to a place I've had my eye on for a long time: Faith's Lodge.  This is a beautiful property who's sole purpose is to provide a safe haven for families who have lost a child or are raising a child with special needs and various disorders.  It's a place for families to come relax and reflect on the journey they are on, no matter what part of the journey they are currently experiencing.

Faith's Lodge is nestled near Webster Wisconsin. There is a small quiet pond with canoes and paddle boats. It is surrounded by the beauty that Earth has provided.  As you walk around outside you notice markers signaling that someone had donated that tree, bench, brick or plant in honor of the loved one they miss so dearly.

As you walk around the lodge and the property surrounding it, there are many inspirational quotes and motivating phrases nestled among the trees and adorning the walls.

Inside the lodge, in one of the many community areas there is a crafting room.  This room is designed for creating items in memory of your child and your journey.  They provide bird houses and other art supplies to let your heart and mind soar.  One of the Faith's Lodge traditions is a Heart Rock Ritual.  They find stones shaped like a heart on the shore's of Lake Superior.  There is a connection between the smooth edges, the rough patches and the journey that rock has taken in correlation with the journey you are on.  

We had Evelyn paint Gabriel's Rock a pretty turquoise blue.  I painted a solid blue heart outlining the stone's shape.  Derrick did the lettering and floral design.

Gabriel Ray 12-8-11     Forever in our hearts

Derrick kept finding himself going back to the rock to add more to it. After he added leaves on the flowers, he returned to add highlights to the leaves, he finally felt it was complete enough to put at the bridge.

After it stopped raining, we walked down the path to Sophia's Bridge. As you approach you see all the beautiful colors and rocks that other's have placed there before you. It's bittersweet to see how many broken hearted parents are traveling the same journey as you, yet oddly comforting to know you really are not alone.

  

Derrick pointed out a spot near the bridge that he felt suited the stone we painted as a family for Gabriel. Naturally the location was somewhere a little difficult to get to especially when the ground was wet. But I took the duty of climbing down to the rotting tree stump to place the stone inside the little "cave" that would maybe protect it from the elements. There it will remain next to the few stones nearby that were placed there before ours.

Later I had attempted to create a Garden Stone with Gabriel's name. I made 3 whole hearted attempts before sliding the pan over to Derrick to do. I couldn't make it work or get it to look the way I wanted it to.  He ended up finishing it for me instead.

Inside the rooms there are journals where others have documented their stories.  There were 4 journals in our room dating as far back as 2008.  The stories were heartbreaking and ranging from stillborn infants to 17 year old airplane crash victims.  We could only browse through and read a few of them before it was too emotional to handle any longer. 

I did manage to take a few moments to write in Gabriel's story though. Hopefully someone somewhere will be as deeply touched by him as we were while reading the stories already written.

We were able to hang out, bond with the group, cry and laugh.  We were able to relax, eat, and reflect. It was inspiring to see the leaps some people took on their journey over the weekend and amazing that such a place exists that these families were able to do that. 

Here's more random photos from our retreat: