Pinterest

I am a Pinterest fan. I have many boards and hundreds of pins. I have one board designated to pregnancy and infant loss (of course I do!). On that board are various quotes, links to beautiful jewelry designed to remember babies lost, links to various websites and organizations that helped me through, and of course there's one link that's close to my heart - it's a photo of my Gabriel Memorial Tattoo that is directly linked to my blog, more specifically the post I made immediately after getting that tattoo. 

I have the app loaded on my smartphone and get periodic notifications throughout the day. It seems like every day I get at least one notification that someone has repinned that specific pin.  

I have mixed feelings about this. My initial reaction is always flattery, someone likes the tattoo that I spent months designing while Gabriel was still tucked safely inside. The tattoo that my artist helped put together and make an actual piece of art to be put permantely on my body - forever. Someone out there has hopefully clicked beyond the "pin" button and read into my blog. Learning of the journey we took nearly 2 short years ago. 

My following thoughts are always the same: I hope the person who has pinned that link isn't experiencing that same heartache, the same feeling of pain and loss that we feel going along the journey. My heart aches for the pain that these "repinners" are feeling as they search for inspiration for their very own memorial tattoo. 

My final thought, that doesn't always come to mind: there's one more person who has read Gabriel's name, possibly out loud or maybe to themselves. That's another person who knows Gabriel existed and is helping keep his memory alive - even if they've never met him, or us. 

My hope is this: if they are searching, possibly feeling lost and alone, I hope they are reading past the link into the world I live in. I hope they find hope and comfort in reading the words I've put out there for the public in hopes that someone somewhere will get whatever it is they are looking for. Help, hope, faith, healing, or whatever it is that their heart desires. 

There is hope, comfort and healing in knowing you are not alone. 

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

It's October. That means pregnancy and infant loss awareness month is once again upon us. I'm hoping to attend a walk the evening of October 15th which marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I will register to have Gabriel's name read for that event. If you want to go with me let me know and I'll get the information to you. 

I don't know how, but I had briefly forgotten and was reminded by Derrick - slightly unusual. 

This month we will remember, honor, and cherish the son we held for only a brief moment in time, but will hold forever in our hearts. 

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge

For the last year and a half I have been attending a support group once a month (or at least as often as I remember to go) that has been wonderful.  The group is run by a woman named Dawn who runs Nickolas' Gift, a foundation in honor of her son who would be 17 years old today.  She also lost her son to Potter's Syndrome.

The group is filled with wonderful, loving, caring, and heartbroken individuals who have each lost a baby or infant for various reasons.  Each has their own story, yet we are all traveling very much the same journey.

This weekend Nickolas' Gift took us all to a place I've had my eye on for a long time: Faith's Lodge.  This is a beautiful property who's sole purpose is to provide a safe haven for families who have lost a child or are raising a child with special needs and various disorders.  It's a place for families to come relax and reflect on the journey they are on, no matter what part of the journey they are currently experiencing.

Faith's Lodge is nestled near Webster Wisconsin. There is a small quiet pond with canoes and paddle boats. It is surrounded by the beauty that Earth has provided.  As you walk around outside you notice markers signaling that someone had donated that tree, bench, brick or plant in honor of the loved one they miss so dearly.

As you walk around the lodge and the property surrounding it, there are many inspirational quotes and motivating phrases nestled among the trees and adorning the walls.

Inside the lodge, in one of the many community areas there is a crafting room.  This room is designed for creating items in memory of your child and your journey.  They provide bird houses and other art supplies to let your heart and mind soar.  One of the Faith's Lodge traditions is a Heart Rock Ritual.  They find stones shaped like a heart on the shore's of Lake Superior.  There is a connection between the smooth edges, the rough patches and the journey that rock has taken in correlation with the journey you are on.  

We had Evelyn paint Gabriel's Rock a pretty turquoise blue.  I painted a solid blue heart outlining the stone's shape.  Derrick did the lettering and floral design.

Gabriel Ray 12-8-11     Forever in our hearts

Derrick kept finding himself going back to the rock to add more to it. After he added leaves on the flowers, he returned to add highlights to the leaves, he finally felt it was complete enough to put at the bridge.

After it stopped raining, we walked down the path to Sophia's Bridge. As you approach you see all the beautiful colors and rocks that other's have placed there before you. It's bittersweet to see how many broken hearted parents are traveling the same journey as you, yet oddly comforting to know you really are not alone.

  

Derrick pointed out a spot near the bridge that he felt suited the stone we painted as a family for Gabriel. Naturally the location was somewhere a little difficult to get to especially when the ground was wet. But I took the duty of climbing down to the rotting tree stump to place the stone inside the little "cave" that would maybe protect it from the elements. There it will remain next to the few stones nearby that were placed there before ours.

Later I had attempted to create a Garden Stone with Gabriel's name. I made 3 whole hearted attempts before sliding the pan over to Derrick to do. I couldn't make it work or get it to look the way I wanted it to.  He ended up finishing it for me instead.

Inside the rooms there are journals where others have documented their stories.  There were 4 journals in our room dating as far back as 2008.  The stories were heartbreaking and ranging from stillborn infants to 17 year old airplane crash victims.  We could only browse through and read a few of them before it was too emotional to handle any longer. 

I did manage to take a few moments to write in Gabriel's story though. Hopefully someone somewhere will be as deeply touched by him as we were while reading the stories already written.

We were able to hang out, bond with the group, cry and laugh.  We were able to relax, eat, and reflect. It was inspiring to see the leaps some people took on their journey over the weekend and amazing that such a place exists that these families were able to do that. 

Here's more random photos from our retreat: 

Proactive Genetics: Part 3 - The Results

The Results are in!

In the poll on my blog, the results were different than I expected! 61% thought they would be identical, 26% thought 1/2 identical and nobody thought they're fraternal.   Depending on the day would depend on what I thought.  Somedays I can't tell them apart, other days there are obvious differences to me.  For that reason I mostly think fraternal or inconclusive.

Proactive Genetics said to allow up to 10 days to receive the results of the cheek swab we did on the boys. The results are already in:





---- COPY OF TEST RESULTS #17932-130912 ----

We are pleased to report to you the results of the twin zygosity test that you requested. Analysis of the DNA indicates that Sawyer Joseph Chavez and Logan Martin Chavez are monozygotic, or more commonly referred to as identical twins.

We first isolated DNA from cheek cells from the swab kits that were returned to our lab. We amplified the DNA using a technique called PCR. Next, we analyzed 15 standard DNA markers used in human identity (D3S1358, TH01, D21S11, D18S51, Penta-E, D5S818, D13S317, D7S820, D16S539, CSF1PO, Penta-D, vWA, D8S1179, TPOX and FGA) and determined that the highly variable DNA markers were the same for both twins. Thus, there is greater than a 99.9% probability that the twins are monozygotic.






IDENTICAL!  Wow, I guess all the strangers we run into are right!  I remember reading somewhere that identical twin boys is the least common form of twinning - how cool! 

The reason we didn't know if they are identical or not is because they both had their own sac and their own placenta.  Some doctors and ultrasound technicians assume this means they are fraternal - which is exactly what we were told. But that's not true - obviously.  

Identical twins can have their own, or share, both the outer sac (chorion) and the inner sac (amnion):

Number of Chorions	Number of Amnions	Number of Placentas	When Split Occurs	Commonality
2 chorions	2 amnions	2 separate placenta	1-4 days after conception	25-30% of identicals
2 chorions	2 amnions	2 fused placentas	1-4 days after conception
1 chorion	2 amnions	1 placenta	4-9 days	65-70%, most common
1 chorion	1 amnion	1 placenta	9-12 days	1-5%, rare

I will have some reading to do about identical twins now, even though I've done a lot already I feel like I need to search out other parents of identicals as a resource for raising them.  I want to make sure they have their own identity, they are their own people. 

8 months old!

Yesterday, the boys turned 8 months old!  This is flying by quick! 

It's amazing how far the boys have come.  Sitting, standing assisted, eating solid foods, rolling all over the place.  We still aren't crawling or getting up on all 4's, but Evelyn didn't crawl till she was 10 months so I'm not worried yet.  The "Gooo's" and "daaaaa's" along side the amazing amount of giggles is more than my heart can handle most days.  Logan can drink out of a straw already and both are able to drink out of a regular sippy cup - when they want to.  

They have been a bit of a struggle lately, our sleeping problems are getting better as we've moved the boys into their cribs at night. Seems my theory about our snoring keeping them awake may have been accurate.   But the last few weeks they've been incredibly fussy and clingy. If I even consider the possibility of thinking about setting Logan down, he panics and throws a fit.  The last few days have been better during the day, but their night sleep is worse.  

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge is a big property in northern Wisconsin that has been designated to families who have lost a child.  This weekend my amazing support group "Nikolas' Gift" has rented out the lodge and invited us all to go.  I'm SO looking forward to this weekend with the kids and families who are walking our same journey. 

Lately I've been having a bit of a rough time.  My heart longs for Gabriel, my arms crave his hugs.  I will never understand why my mind and body can't just realize that he isn't here. I can't hold him and I can't hug him and I won't be able to until death removes me from this earth.  It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see him or something that reminds me of him. I rearranged a few rooms in our house, and when I moved the desk I exposed all his things we still have stashed.  His shadow boxes and foot prints and our Build - A - Bear are all just staring at me, I notice them now more than before.  

Our Faith's Lodge weekend couldn't come at a more perfect time for me.  I'm so grateful for this opportunity,  I need this.

Proactive Genetics (part 2)

Yay!

Proactive Genetics (part 1)

6 days ago (Thursday) I ordered a kit to have the boys twin zygosity tested - are they identical or not?

Today we received our package from Proactive Genetics in Augusta Georgia. It came in a medium sized bubble envelope. 

Inside was the crucial items we'd been waiting for.  There was a thank you letter that described a basic outline of the process. There was also a postcard for you to acknowledge that - even though the test is 99% accurate - it's not qualified for any medical or legal use. (Ok, I just want it for informational purposes anyways.) Then there was the long version of the collection instructions. These confused me at first, but I'll get into that later. There were 2 test tubes with cotton swabs and a bubble mailer to send everything back. 

You have to do two sessions of swabbing 2 swabs in each cheek for both babies at night, and 2 swabs in each cheek for both babies the following morning. Put the swabs in the labeled tubes and send back. 

They don't tell you what the solution is that is in the tubes,
just that it's supposed to help preserve the samples.  

I was actually impressed they didn't seem to mind it at all. They were completely unsure what we were sticking in their mouths but it went fast so I don't think they minded at all.

We'll repeat the process in the morning as directed by the instructions and then I'll stop at the post office and send it back. Can't wait to get the results!

Oh, and don't forget to vote on the poll for which way you think the results will come back! (It's on the right hand side!)

LOGAN

"Am I doing ok mom?"

"Ok, I eat it"

High five for a job well done.

SAWYER

"Ehhh... What are you putting in my mouth??"

"Like a lollipop mom?"