Tragedy Strikes again...

6 weeks ago, Derrick's dad was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia - Stage 5. We knew he didn't have long to live but didn't expect it to be so short either.  After weeks of transfusions and multiple hospital stays, Joe passed away on Thursday, July 18th.  Derrick was able to get there and say good bye before he passed away. I wasn't able to go with him as Sawyer was sick, but I sent a message to Joe for Derrick to give him: "Please tell him to give Gabriel a huge hug and kiss for me." When Derrick gave him the message he definitely acknowledged the request - in the only way a person on incredible pain killers and seeming incoherent. That's when we learned that one of the things he kept saying was that he couldn't wait to get there and find Gabriel. Heart hit hard at that moment.

"Talk so kids will listen. Listen so kids will talk" 

 None the less, the news of his passing hit hard.  On Sunday we went over to his house with the family so each person could get what they wanted.

A little back history for you, for reasons unknown Derrick's dad has always had a fondness and soft spot for our sweet Gabriel.  He had a huge frame with all pictures of our moments with Gabriel.  He had various statues and other framed photos around his home. Of course we inherited all these things. 

Derrick is amidst a very difficult grieving process right now.  We are all learning to live without his father here. Its rough to say the least.

It's very difficult to think about the wedding that is to happen in 3 weeks, knowing that his dad won't be there in person to celebrate with us.  That day will be especially hard given this loss is so recent for Derrick and his family. 

I can update more later about this loss. But I have many other updates to do in the meantime...

How crazy is this life...

I've been telling myself for weeks: "I need to update. I should write a blog tomorrow." Does it happen? Obviously not.  Life is crazy, in fact it's beyond crazy. It's chaos. I don't even know where to begin.

It's summer, so I'm trying to get me and the kids outside as much as possible to enjoy the weather. Some days have been way too hot and humid which makes it unbearable, so those days we stay inside and enjoy the nice cool a/c. But, on those nicer days, we make sure we get out. Some days we go to the zoo, play in Evelyn's kiddy pool, go to a park, go for a walk...

Sawyer and Logan

The boys are 5 1/2 months now, wow that seems so crazy! I feel like I blink and another day is gone. They keep me on my toes and running fast. Much housework gets put on the side burner because the kids don't give me a chance!  Lately they've been fussy, clingy, whiny. They want to eat but then I go to feed them and they don't want it. Logan no longer wants a nuk so he's a little harder to keep content. If one is sleeping then the other is crying, as soon as one stops crying the other starts. Then of course if they are happy Evelyn needs something.  

So, you want to know how they're progressing? Beautifully. Logan loves to stand and will do it for hours if you hold his hands, one time he even tried taking a couple steps. He sits really well and can almost sit on his own. He sleeps much better at night now giving us between 5 and 7 hour stretches. We introduced both boys to food a week ago. Logan would eat oatmeal but obviously didn't like it, he made that clear. He scarfed down sweet potatoes as if it were candy but today I can't get him to touch bananas.  Sawyer is a bit behind his brother. He stands assisted but only for seconds at a time. He sits well but isn't really close to sitting on his own. I only could get a bite or two of oatmeal into Sawyer each feeding, he hated it. He took one or two bites of sweet potatoes but also won't even try the bananas.

Both boys still sleep in their rock n plays in our room. Now that they have been sleeping better at night I'm getting ready to move them into their own room.  The trouble is adjusting them to sleeping flat in their cribs. They don't sleep well like that so the adjustment is rough.  I've tried doing it little by little during nap times, but they just don't do well. I'll probably start by moving their rock n plays into their room at night for them to sleep in, when they are sleeping better at nap times in their cribs I can start that process at night.  Part of me thinks their room is unfamiliar territory for them and therefore a little scary. 

Miss Evelyn

Evelyn is so amazing. She loves her brothers so much. "Him laughin at me", "him crying", "baby grabbing feet". She always makes sure they have toys to play with and blankets to snuggle. Of course she inadvertently nearly smothers them in the blankets, but she doesn't mean too. She gives them tons of hugs and kisses, it captures my heart every time. She turned 3 on the 18th. I can't believe how big she's gotten. We just had a really small party at our house because we're obviously not up for planning a big party right now, grilling hot dogs and hamburgers, cake and melted ice cream. We all sat outside and the kids played.  Last night she spiked her 2nd fever ever. I don't know where it came from but at 7pm her temp was 101.0, by 11pm she was at 102.8. At midnight her and daddy ended up on the couch downstairs where they slept all night. At 8am she was down to 100.8. She has been doing great all day so whatever infection got her, she was able to fight it off.  As a child my favorite book was always Dr Suess' "The Foot Book".  Well, this has proven to be Evelyn's favorite too, although she makes us read many many books to her each day.  The other day she was reading to one of her grandma's, I guess she's managed to memorize much of the book already!  She's also learning her colors, ABC's and counting. She can almost sing the whole ABCs now and can write about 5 letters.  She counts to 10 but always skips 5, I really don't know what she has against the number 5. She knows most of her main colors: blue, pink, red, orange, yellow, green, black... She knows some shapes like stars, circles, and hearts. She's learning so much lately.

Cloth Diapering

We have stuck with cloth diapering the boys, and Derrick has even said he likes it!  Some days, when I don't have time to do laundry, they end up in disposables... Every single time we do, they have a poo-spolosion.  Its terrible. I try my best to keep them out of disposables for that reason alone.  Logan blew out of a cloth diaper yesterday, but I couldn't expect any diaper to hold in that much poo!  I could use more supplies in my rotation. As it stands right now I HAVE to do diaper laundry every other day, if I don't or I wait till the next morning I end up running out.  It'd be ok but sometimes the kids just don't let me get to the diaper laundry.  Evelyn is rockin and rollin on her potty.  She rarely has a diaper on anymore besides nighttime. We are weaning her off night sippy cups in hopes of getting her night trained as well.  We still have trouble with pooping on the potty, but she's making progress.  Recently she's taken a liking to the sticker reward method a little bit, so we've been trying that.

Eating and Breastfeeding

We've introduced a little bit of solids to the boys. I intended to wait until they hit 6 months but they were starting to be interested in what we were eating - so we thought we'd give it a try.  Neither really liked oatmeal, Logan liked Sweet Potatoes but Sawyer wasn't into it.  Neither will even try bananas. It's a good thing solids aren't mandatory at this age because they really aren't having any part of it.  I'll keep gently trying and hopefully, eventually, they'll come around.  During the day they still eat every 2-3 hours, but we're getting much longer stretches at night. We haven't had to introduce any formula up to this point, however I do think I'm going to supplement one feeding a day so I can pump and build my stash up a bit before the wedding.  I hate to supplement formula even for one feeding because I've been really proud to be able to exclusively breastfeed for so long, but I need a stash built for the wedding or else I'm going to find myself breastfeeding the whole day!  But so far breastfeeding has been going really well, its not easy but its definitely been doable.  I enjoy having that time with each of them.  I never tandem feed anymore, I just didn't like it.  It was clumsy and difficult and I spent the entire time relatching, adjusting and hoping Evelyn didn't need either of my hands for anything.  At least by doing one at a time I am able to have that one on one time with each baby, and have a spare hand incase Evelyn needs something or my phone rings.

Wedding wedding wedding

On top of the kids keeping me busy, I've been crazy planning this wedding that's coming SO quick!  It's only like 6 weeks away - YIKES!  I don't have that much to do I guess, just a lot of little things. Many small errands that need to be run.  I guess it's just a matter of making time for it all... Which time is not an easy thing to come by with 3 little ones running around!

Missing Gabriel

I've been thinking of Gabriel a lot more lately.  I miss him terribly.  He'd be a year and a half right now, possibly the perfect age for summer activities.  I can't get out to be near him as often as I'd like to, I'm so wrapped up at home. I do talk to him a lot and tell him all the fun things he'd be enjoying right now.  I see other kids around the age he would be and it hits my heart hard.  Even when I look at his pictures or randomly come across one it makes my eyes get all watery and my heart stings a little.  I wish he was here, I wish he could be enjoying all the blessings life has to offer. I wish I didn't have a candle in his memory for the church and hall. I wish I didn't have a special table planned for the reception.  I'd so much rather have him there, in person, dancing and laughing with us. I would love to get him an adorable little tux to wear... Perhaps I'll cut a piece off his blanket and have it sewn into my dress, I'm sure my seamstress wouldn't mind.  I wouldn't be completely heartbroken over a missing piece because he had a couple different blankets wrapped around him the day he was born. I wish I had an article of my grandfather's clothing to do the same with... But I don't.  My mom gave me a daffodil clip to incorporate too, I think I'll clip it into my bouquet.  Daffodil is one of the December birth flowers, it represents the promise of a brighter future (spring), so much significance in one little flower clip.


Here's some photos from recently.

Pure Beauty

Sawyer 5 months old

Logan loves his feet!

Logan always eats his hands

Baptism

Camp Ice Age - Mall of America

Happy 4th of July!

Been meaning to update.

It's been a rough week. I've been meaning to update for awhile now and honestly, it's been hard. I'm not going to lie, teething twins who are going through leap 4 in development right now sucks... Bad.  So far this has been the hardest part for us.  They are cranky, crabby, tired, not sleeping well and all around not being their normally good selves.

I've been stressed out to the max, and just about lost my cool Monday at my sister's house.  Evelyn has been doing so well with potty training, breastfeeding has gone so well so far, but yesterday was a cluster of not good moments.  I had just gotten to my sister's place, tired from working all weekend but looking forward to some time out of the house.  Right away Sawyer started fussing, I knew he was hungry and ready to eat. I fed him and right away Logan started in. He wasn't so easy to fix though, he was fussing and upset and refusing the boob.  This has been happening with this teething business.  I knew he was hungry, he was obviously acting hungry, yet he refused to eat. My pots were boiling, I finally got him to eat and he calmed down. That's when Evelyn - who wasn't wearing any pants or panties because she'll pee in them - pooped, it was wedged between her cheeks and streaked all over the back of her dress, the only dress I had with me (What was I thinking?!?!). I'm pretty certain steam was coming out of my ears. Some days I just can't catch a break. Luckily my sister was there to lend a hand and keep me from completely losing my sanity.

Mental note: bibs are mandatory!

Leap 4 is a horrible leap in development. Before they were going through this leap they could only perceive one smooth transition. After this leap, they are able to perceive a short, familiar series of smooth transitions with all the senses. They are learning all kinds of new skills: grabbing items, putting things in their mouth, playing in activity centers, reacting to mirror images etc.  Perfecting these skills is very frustrating for a baby and this makes them exceptionally fussy.  Plus, the way they perceive the world is changing and that is scary for them, more fussiness.  Joy.  Now add on the teething that is potentially happening and we have the happiest household ever. Not.  They are drool monsters, hands and fists always in their mouths. They are constantly trying to chew on EVERYTHING.  They are fussy and crabby and show all the signs of teething - except the obvious protruding teeth.

Epstein's Pearls in Sawyer's mouth?

I was looking in Sawyer's mouth today and spotted what appeared to be a tooth, but different. It would be abnormal for a tooth to be coming in on the side before front ones. Plus, it doesn't look like a normal tooth would look, so I googled it and found "Epstein's Pearls".  I think that's what Sawyer has, I don't see any in Logan's mouth.
















Had the boys' 4 month appointment last week, it was a week after they turned 4 months because I was being chicken about their shots.  The appointment went fine though.  I mentioned the flatness to the their heads, she wasn't concerned and said it would begin to round out now.  We talked about breastfeeding and how that's going and about their development.  They don't seem to be lagging far behind, the only thing they are missing is the rolling over business.  Evelyn was also a late roller so I'm not concerned. These guys are just content to lay on their backs. They HATE tummy time and panic everytime I even try.  Logan is weighing in at 14.6lbs and 23.25in long with a 16in head.  He ranks in the 90th percentile now. Sawyer weighs in at 12.13lbs and 23in long with a 16in head. He ranks in the 56th percentile.  They are growing well!  Its interesting to me that they are the same lenth, same head size, yet there is 2lbs difference in them.  They got 3 more shots and 1 oral vaccine... I think the shots are harder on me than it is on them, and it's always twice as bad because I have to go through it twice!

Logan: "Chew on ALL the fingers!"

Evelyn's potty training comes and goes.  She's so weird.  If I put anything on her: pants, panties, a pull-up, she always pees in it.  If she goes bottomless with just a skirt or dress on than she'll use the potty all day long. This is fine for when we are at home or at family's houses, but when we go places we can't exactly have her bottomless. Plus, we have setbacks. I think the boys being in diapers has an effect on her because she always wants to poop in a diaper, we are having a really hard time getting her to poop on her potty.  Sometimes when she's running around bottomless she'll poop and that is just a big mess - usually on her and her clothes. It's so frustrating and annoying, but we'll get there.


I went a couple weeks ago and got my tattoo done for the twins.  My artist was in town so I jumped on the opportunity to have him do it.  I  knew that I wanted it to match the one I already had for Evelyn, he did a great job! I had requested the dragonflies not be "identical" as the boys are two individuals, now that it's healing you can see that one is more green, one is more blue.

This was taken by Evelyn to show how they match.

Healing up nice

So, although updates come few and far between these days, its because we are so so busy. Life has gotten a little crazy.  Bear with me.


Here are some of my favorite photos from recently - Enjoy all the cuteness!

Bumbo time!

This girl LOVES her brothers!

Holding hands

Enjoying crib time

4 months Post Twin Pregnancy

MIts been 4 months since the boys were born. I figure I should probably do an update on how I'm doing. I'm going to cover as many bases as I can in this post because I don't update on myself very often.

Now that we've experienced having a single baby, and having twins, I can't imagine having just a singleton anymore.  Its become such a normal thing for us to have two infants around that I think it would be weird to only have one.  I can't imagine only having one of the twins and not the other, I've tried to imagine it many different ways and I can't.

Well into my pregnancy, my left side ribs began to hurt me. They would be sore and often felt like my ribs were separating.  This happened because I'm not a large framed person, the boys didn't have a lot of space to grow so my entire ribcage expanded dramatically. So much so, that even my bras stopped fitting.  When the boys were born I really hoped my ribs would fix themselves. They didn't. At my 6 week checkup I mentioned that they still hurt much of the time and they suggested waiting it out. Well here we are 4 months later and they still bother me. It feels like they are popping out of place and get very sore at times. At some point I need to get in and have it looked at, but for now I just deal with the discomfort. The odd thing is, my van seats cause me the most trouble, for some reason I always have to sit leaning forward because it feels weird on my ribs to sit with my back against the seat... I realize this probably isn't the safest arrangement.

My belly button never fully recovered from the pregnancy.  It seems like it wants to stay semi herniated. I hate my belly button now, although I realize it could be much worse, I'm not sure the stretch marks could be. I will be wearing a swim suit that covers it all up. And really, the stretch marks aren't as bad as they look in the picture I'm posting, they appear much darker in photos than they are looking at them in real life - thanks a lot technology.

Although my body has obviously taken a beating I wouldn't change it for the world.  I won't wear a bikini again, but I'm not out to impress anybody with my body.  I can't complain too much. By 12 weeks I was able to squeeze into my pre-baby clothes, by 3 months I was back down lower than my pre-pregnancy weight.

My brain is on overload. There is so much I have to remember all the time: when the boys ate, were changed and slept (and for how long). When Evelyn ate, went potty and if she napped. When I have to be where at what time, what the date is, what day of the week it is, what we are doing next weekend, when the next doctor visit is, when the last time I talked to my best friends, which baby gets which breast, when did i go see Gabriel last, where my keys are, did I put diapers in the diaper bag, did I start the dryer after I loaded it, was it Logan or Sawyer who pooped, when did the other baby last poop? The list goes on and on of things that are constantly going through my brain. So if I don't remember - forgive me. My brain cannot handle this much information! 

We are still exclusively breastfeeding.  During the week I just feed them myself, on the weekends when I work they get bottles of frozen/pumped milk during the night. During the day Derrick just comes to wake me up when they get hungry. This system works the best for us.  When he would let me sleep I would wake up in pain and uncomfortable and it caused trouble with my supply.  So they get 1 or 2 bottles on Friday and Saturday nights.  They have no problems adjusting back and forth.

I love being a stay at home mom, I wouldn't change it for the world. However, this weather is seriously taking a toll on us.  We had snow into May - not ideal weather conditions to take a 2 year old and a couple newborn twins out.  We were couped up inside much longer than we hoped.  Now, we've had a only a handful of "nice" days and its been cool and rainy all the other days. I want to get out to more parks, I want to have the kids outside playing and enjoying some sunshine, but it just hasn't been very possible. So aside from the times when we get out to other people's houses or stores we are just hanging around the house, not doing a whole lot.

Getting around with the twins and a toddler is interesting - to say the least.  We've pretty much got it down to a science now though.  If I'm traveling alone with the kids: I put everything I need on the table as I'm getting ready to go (which is at least an hour and a half before I actually need to leave), this way I don't forget things like, oh, my keys.  I change, feed, and put each boy in their carseat and during that time I am convincing Evelyn to put her shoes on, which she eventually does.  I usually make multiple trips to the van, one with the stuff (diaper bag, wallet, keys, phone etc), one with Evelyn and one with the boys. 

Being on time is impossible for me. I always have to plan to be somewhere 30 minutes before I actually want or need to be there. It's a long process to get our of the house. 

We have changed the set up of the van a few times. During the snow months I took one of the middle seats out so Evelyn and one base was in the back, the other base was in the remaining "captain's chair". This worked great because we had a wide open space for putting a car seat in while addressing the other kids. That space also worked well for diaper changes and other things.  Now we re-arranged so both babies are in the captain's chairs and Evelyn is alone in the back seat.  This opened up a seat incase someone were riding with us, and made a seat where Derrick could sit if the kids were being a handful.

Its crazy that these boys are already 4 months old. I don't know where all that time went. As I go back and look at the pictures I can't believe how big I got, I never realized it. I can't believe how small they were and how alien-like they looked.

Overall things are good. The boys are happy most of the time, they really are content little guys.  I couldn't have asked for better babies.  We think they are teething so that makes life difficult and very frustrating at times.  Plus with Evelyn turning 3 next month, things get a little testy around here pretty fast.

I love watching Evelyn with her brothers, she's such a good big sister and wants to play with them so bad.  In time little one, in time. In the meantime she loves to kiss and hug them, she plays with their hands and feet,  and it absolutely takes my breath away. There's nothing sweeter.

4 months old!

4 months old already! Where is time going??  I can't believe 4 months has already gone by!

Realizations and signs

I was reading through my blog today, reliving the journey we've travelled. It's amazing to me to go back and read everything we went through. It's so different to live it day to day than it is to go back and read it. 

While reading our posts, I had a realization or two. The one that stood out to me involved build-a-bear. Our first experience involved putting Gabriel's heart tones inside a teddy bear. That bears heart still beats and it still sits on my nightstand, I'd be incomplete without it. 

That experience also involved making bears for Gabriel and Evelyn. One for him to be buried with, and one for Evelyn to keep with her. Someday she'll know that her baby brother also has one. 

Our most recent trip to Build-A-Bear involved making 2 bears to match Gabriel's, one for each boy. Someday they too will know that Gabriel has that same bear with him.

While reading my blog, I came across a post that happened about 2 months after Gabriel's birth. I had taken Evelyn to McDonald's, after ordering they offered me a choice between some random toy or a Build-A-Bear toy - given our Build-A-Bear experience I knew right away that we needed those Build-A-Bear toy. When we got home I learned Evelyn received not one, but 2 of these toys! Both had hearts on them, Evelyn and I both felt like we had won the jackpot.

My realization was this: was Gabriel telling me we'd have the twins? Was this a sign? 

Or perhaps both those psychics had such a strong feeling we'd be pregnant soon because it would be twins and they were sensing that? 

There's been a few times I've hoped things were signs from Gabriel. Shortly after we selected his  headstone, the clouds in the sky looked like a dove, much like the dove we had placed on Gabriel's stone.

The night Gabriel was born, there was a single star in the sky at dusk, for 15 minutes it was the only star there, and I stood and stared at it. I love to think back to those minutes that we were connected and Gabriel was letting me know he was ok. 

These are moments I live for. These are the moments I believe Gabriel communicates with me. I haven't had a moment for awhile now, maybe again some day...

Catching Up

It seems I have some catching up to do. Getting time to blog these days is hard!

Now that it's summer I try to get Evelyn and the boys out and about as much as possible. Walking, parks, and just hanging around outside.  I usually end up typing into a blog on my phone while I'm wondering around, but I never seem to get around to finishing it on the computer so I can add pictures and edit it how I want to.

Build A Bear x2

Last week, my mom and I took the kids out to Build A Bear. The boys needed a bear to match the one we buried with Gabriel, that Evelyn also has.  Its great to know all the kids will have a bear that matches the one Gabriel has with him forever.

The bear is called "Champ".  We didn't realize until this trip in, that Champ has a story all his own.  He is in honor of a little girl who lost her battle to cancer. A donation is made in her honor each time a bear is sold.  What a fitting bear to have chosen for our purpose.

I was sad to hear that the bear would be redesigned in a few weeks. I really like the bear and knowing I can always get one. I suppose it doesn't matter what the design is, as long as it's Champ.

Mother's Day without Gabriel

Still tough.  I wore my Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness ribbon the whole day again this year. I guess that's my way of keeping him with me always. Nobody probably noticed, but I knew it was there and I knew he was with me.

I looked around at all the babies around me, thinking of all the mother's missing a child that day. It sad to see so many out there now, Gabriel is 3 rows back in a sea of babies lost.

Lunch With Gabriel

The first actual summer day - in the 90s today. We went out and had "lunch" with Gabriel, even though my lunch got left at home. My mom, step dad, and the kids joined me. This was the first time the boys were introduced to the cemetery and Gabriel's place. It was bitter sweet. I had been looking forward to having a day when I could take them out there, yet wish this wasn't going to be a part of their life.  Someone once told me it didn't have to be, that I didn't have to take the kids there. I guess they don't understand, I do have to take the kids there. I need the kids to know and to be familiar with their other brother.

This was also the first time I've gone out there on a day when it was nice enough to drag the boys out of the van. It started out at 65 degrees. In the hour we were there it was up to 80 and by the end of the day it was somewhere around 95!

The boys

Sleeping is better. They are now going 4-5 hours each night instead of 2-3.  Makes for a happy momma. They are also spacing out their eating times too, now they eat every 3-4 hours instead of 2-3.  Also makes momma happy. 

They are full of smiles and laughs. They love to watch and observe everything around them.  They love their sister, they laugh and smile at her as they watch her play and be crazy. She loves entertaining her brothers, she gets a big kick out of them.

Our little girl is such a helper, she loves to be around her brothers and help us with them. She is just dying to be able to play with them, she's always trying to pile her toys on them. What can I say, she likes to share.